Today was meant to be the day where somehow there is suppose to be some silver lining amidst the bleak weather that have been shadowing my personal life but at last what that could have happen had burst into thin air..

I should have known it was a bubble meant for me to see but never touch.. Like a fool as like before it burst in my face and now i left with the emptiness again.. When am i ever going to learn?

Naive should be my middle name... my heart aches. It hurts but sigh.. another day another time sometimes why is it some people do not understand that silent is the worst form of knife to someone heart than words itself..

Have I been craving it so much that i refuse to see that i heading the same road again and again.. and that the road will lead no where but downwards.. You hurt me.. whether or not you did it on purpose or unconsciously you hurt me.. your silence slice what was suppose to be a healing..

Was i naive enough to think that what you say was true? Was i too daft to know the cursed words that always rings in my head " These are just words... its your own fault to take it truthfully" For what its worth at least i didn judge or doubt but yet that virtue that i takes seriously seems to be the pit of my downfall from grace.. i like the dancer who can never fly in the air.. the one who clumsily fall down the staircase...

Wo YAO DE XING FU

KE SHI NA KE XING FU PU SHI WO DE

NA KE XING FU PU HUI LAI

LU GUO WO HUI NA DAO I TIAN

WO QIU HE MAN ZHU LE

Well the long awaited pictures from my Bangkok trip in January with of course pictures that only show the better side of me and my lovelies Indera, Bryce and Faisal..

The FOUR bachelors on the prowl in the streets of Bangkok!!

Click on Link:

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AYsWTZm3bNmLCeg&notag=1

A good friend says my blog too much heaviness in it so here the lighter side of it.. i got to be hero for a day...

Guess which one am i Lol..

Its the Annual Dinner and Dance...

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AYsWTZm3bNmLCPg&notag=1

I had my virgin beach parties with two of my lovelies from work.. Idah and Yan.. As usual we started the cam whoring i mean.. we are at the beach.. so hit it up and this i personally like which is why its my main cover pic for the entry so hehehe.. enjoy the pics of course they are only link to those that are meant to be seen in its all glorified fashion and beauty..

hehe.. a tribute to GER GER YAN IDAH SAM and the OH SO SWEET COUPLE ( forgot you guys name).. Click Link Below!

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AYsWTZm3bNmLCHA&notag=1

I have been out of tune with myself much nowadays.. I been very fake with my exterior lately and i do admit that i portray a differently from what i am feeling inside.. I been lying..

Deep down i been having weird out of tune feeling with myself. I rather been down lately and having one of my bouts of hollow feelings again within me. I guess i am complex person.. I feel out of tune very off with myself and not inline and as such i been rather sad and i try not to portray much about it on the exterior.

Jasmine confession about her feeling of lonliness and hollowness struck a much deeper chord with me cause for once i guess i hearing someone else saying something that normally would have come out from my own mouth.

One reason why i know why i feeling this way is beause i noticed that I have very limited people around me.. At work i have Idah, Yan and Kak M with me but if they have their engagement i noticed i left with no one but myself. Then there is Bryce who is going back to Australia, Indera who shift works makes it tough to meet and i been on more occasions clashing with him.. and Jay who going leave for overseas study soon.. The recent lashing out with him is a sign how we fought.

Life have not been a bed of roses in terms of my personal life.. I know i trying to live day to day by it and at times i do admit that i am also being an avoidance of totally avoiding whatever it is that bothers me to the fact that i know i lost quite a lot of confidence in myself. If i fancy someone gosh... i know its almost head for doom as it always happens and recently just yesterday the action that i took today seems to be more of a regrettable decision than it is of a good one. My sentiments that the action i took today is going be another slap across my face and i not sure how i going to be able to take it in.. but as usual i have to even though i know my heart would bleed alil or a lot.

As advised by Idah, here i am trying to piece words together on how i feel and trying to get it out to be able to understand. These days life been good to me family been good and all but its just that perhaps the sinking feeling of being alone is what pulls me down now because i don know.

Its sometimes funny how i see a friend who practically get chased by gazillions of people and yet nocholantly he treats them like easy come easy goes.. I am not sure if he appreciates them but sometimes i wonder how it feels to have people flocking to you without you even trying and for me all i asking for is one person who wants me and i want the person back in return.. I not asking for alot i asking for only one and somehow in my life thats a super tall order..

I not ugly but i not good looking either, i one of those whom you see roaming the street and i guess i am one of those who looks god enough to be labelled as the boy or the guy next door.. But rather then feeling like the boy next door i feel like Moses Lim from the TV series.. i am the toy that sits on the shelves and waste away.. i am that beggar sitting on the street that people walks pass and says thank god i am not him..

Sometimes i just feel that my purpose of the jinx lovelife is to let others appreciate what they have in their life and possession. I am the one whom people look and say with a sigh of relief "thank god i am not him".

So to you out there i do hope whoever you are you find me soon.. The jadedness is really growing in huge amount and in huge volume that soon it might consume me. I know i am not in depression but just that sometimes the negativity is just too huge to be ignored. Its like when you are in a room of silence and that silence get so deafening that you cannot ignore its existence.

To my non existence readers, if you are reading this you might be judging me in which i don really know what you thinking and in case you think i am suicidal or in depressions then i can safely tell you i am not..lets just say i been out of tune with myself , off keyed needs lots of tuning and lots of working to get myself together.. I left something behind in my last holiday and there fore i need to find me again somehow..

My brazen attempt at the pageant last year has brought most of it remnants back into this year still with the Asiaone face of the year competition from the monthly winners of last year.

By some miraculous title i am Face of the Month for October 2007 and i by some means known as Mr October. It still give me a weird ringing tone to it. I somehow become nameless and got associated with the associated month.. :P

Well for my non existent readers you can check me out at www.asiaone.com at the bottom of the page there is a small click onlink for face of the year and there you will see my competitors. I wont win thats for sure but hecks! its my obligation to continue with the end year pageant. Dutifully fulfilling my duties as Mr. October.

It been a while since i last posted and yeah i got to admit i been busy working and schooling that i was totally drained both emotionally and physically that i was beginning to drag each day that comes and i got more tired that i was before..

Well, today i am back at work feeling much more refreshed. I went bangkok for 4days3nights. The holiday and short getaway makes gets me revitalised, more energy and felt better i guess.I gained quite a fair bit from the experience. It was my virgin trip to the land of the elephants.

The details of the trip will be conveyed in my next post once my photos come in.. I gained lots more than i thought i get from my experience in bangkok.. It was a trip different from all my trips overseas... This trip was really my trip my move my exprience.. its was my trip..

It been a liberated trip for me. I actually get to be me. Wholy me and totally me. It felt good to be me and for once i felt i was ok being me. There was nothing wrong being me there. For once i felt good about myself, i could tell myself i was alright as me. I was great as a me. I had the confident to walk down the street. I made people look at me again. Head turn and i was good..

You read this and you think gosh this guy is so into himself but sometimes don you want for once to be able to make head turns for the good reasons. To feel that you are good and that you are alright, Judgements about you were positive and its like self medicine for yourself.

For right or wrong, i am me and i was comfortable sitting in my own skin. I met people i see people i mix around with people. People taken to me because i am me. That was nice for a change.

Now i penning this down because it felt dreamlike somehow. It was hard as i was leaving the airport. I saw myself standing behind the glass door as i was leaving for the plane. I could almost see me waving to myself as i left the airport through the glass door. I had to leave me behind in bangkok as i left.I actually turn around and look at myself waving as i left. That was me there.. In returning back to Singapore for my family and friends, i had to leave me there. It was something i had to do. i had to only bring back me that was acceptable here in Singapore.. As i sat on the plane i remembered the video clip by stephanie Sun, Wo De Ai.. that was me leaving me.. temporary love affair with myself.. and i remembered a scene from the Asian Boys Volume 3 the theatre how the macho guy met his former self and the connection and emotions that ran through.. You can call me emotional can call me a wreck but it was a good trip for me. refreshing.. and happy..

1. This posting was meant to be up and running yesterday.. but...
2. 1 i got held up with work
3. 2. the timing was just wayward
4. 3. I got distracted
5. 4. the thoughts did not flow.

I am under tremendous stress now with the module i am taking for my degree.. It is heavy stuff and i got to admit it is overwhelming compared to the last two modules i took. I am taking the American history Political Science which is majorly heavy and very current affairs. I have to admit listening and learning the whole Political stories were great and highly addictive and entertaining however the studying part and the explanation of the stories itself added on personal view makes it highly difficult.

The good things is i have seen that i have lesser and lesser financial burden that straps my pay which is somehow a good thing. I don know what else to say.. Hmm... i rewrite again if ineed to right now just post this one..

There are suppose to be many updates and photos of stuff occuring in 2007. The last leg of the year but have been failing to do so thanks to my never ending studying for my new module, America Political Science. Yesh you heard me Political Science.. Tough one on that..

Well anyway here goes the recapped of what happen...

The last one that i updated was Idah wedding.. Well simply after that there was nothing else to update.. Christmas countdown was a dinner at Fish and Co in Wheelock with Indera, Bryce, Faisal, Adrian, Jay and Jay's friend. Thats about all and after that we all went out seperate ways. The two munchkins who is supppose to either go back or go walk walk before going back in the end end up at PLAY.. Well hahaha you guys know who u are.. SLUTS!~!! kekeke... Unlike Moi, i was at a Karaoke with the rest belting out songs in the most unfashionable way.. crooning like toad to musics of the modern.. But no worries no casualties other than pained ear to all those screeching High Notes.. :P

So come the New Year Eve Update :

Worked Half day(crap!) then had lunch at Eatz19 with Yan followed by a short shopping spree.. then off to AMK where i have to do my groceries shopping with Bryce for the night countdown at my place.. YOU guys who haven pay up better do so.. HHMMMMMPRH!!! lol.. Well all went well met Jay went back to my place, we had chicken, some chicken red curry, some snacks, drinks, pizza (which we ate next morning, post party) followed by dips, doughnuts,cheetos and many other stuff.. The night was spent away with playing games and watching movies and listening to the songs of 2007.. It was a small event but meaningful to me having the closest friends around me from Bryce, Adrian, Indera, Faisal and Jay.. I had my fun cuddling up with you guys, hearing you guys SNORE like some ship docking and all the other embarrassing habits we all do in privacy of our own room.. Kekekekee....

And on new years eve.. basically i spent my day rotting at home and playing HELL GATE... my bitch in the game is a cool bitch.. :P so yeah.. So new year has come here are my resolutions..

1. To get to my 62 weight again.

2. to participate in at least 3 Marathons

3. Save up to 4000 by year end

4. To continue with Dboat and participate in at least ONE race

5. Driving test

6. To have at least 2 Holidays this year. ( One coming up, BKK here i COME!!)

Hmmm... Commitment is something that comes across my mind today. Was just listening to random song and Yue Ding came up... Though Randomly the song brings a few things to mind.. That i witness an event the last two days that is base on the word commitment. The one that I witness and was a part of was a commitment in marriage where the sacred vows of marriage and love was professed to a girl and a guy.

Witnessing such an event brought a smile to my face and a tinge of sadness to my heart. Knowing that this was something so beautiful to witness and at the same time wondered will i get that same kind of commitment that happens not to people around me but to me. So far nothing worked out for me. All that i got was just rejections after rejections.

I so happy to see my friend got married to her prince charming and i sure he will be a fantastic husband to her. Sometimes i guess its nice to live and bask in the happiness of others. Its what sometimes one call a comfort cushion. A temporary borrowing of someone else happiness to liven up your own pathetic life. My life complicated and unless you know me you think i just taking the easy way out. I wish there was an easy way out Some form of psychotherapy or shock therapy. But i guess aftermath of living to the happiness of others when you are left on your own, you feel the sudden hollow and emptiness in your life. Loneliness crept in followed by some pangs of sadness then waves of emotion before culmination of tearing up. I live through another day many more days to come. What awaits me in the future no one knows how good or bad it is i guess i got to bite and pull through... Look in the direction of the sun and the rays will guide you to your happiness..

Mood : Mixture & Confuse

I knew Kenshi from the world of cyber for quite a while and well after perhaps a year or a year plus finally we met up on my second visit to KL.

He been nothing but sweet and so hospitable. Someone very tall yeah.. 1.9m the blardy bugger.. lol.. the Gentle giant of KL. Very sociable and affectionate person.. very at ease with telling people of how he feels nothing second guessing. Since i had Indera along, I was introduce to Alex another one of Kensh's friend.

A very well mannered man with quiet demeanour but well after warms up he a very nice person. warm as hell a person although rather quiet but ever full of smile and like Kenshi says " Never leave anyone behind" will always watch his back to make sure everyone walking together..

Well to you two thanks for your company. Thank you Kenshi for your hospitality. Its nice to have the super damn long chat with you and your great company over the whole time i was there. Say hello to the other two friend of yours whom we met at KLCC i think forgotten their names too. Lots of Love and Hugs!

Just over the last weekend i had made kinda of yet again another last minutre trip to Kuala Lumpur. The capital city of Malaysia.. This time the visit seems more interesting than the last time i was there.

The trip there was more adventurous than previously due to the many hiccups and screw ups but all went well.. Due to work schedules, I took the 3.30pm bus to KL from Transtar premium class treated good in the bus.. like in some airline.. no complaints!!

I met up with a friend in KL. First time meeting after knowing him for a long while actually. Due to again some faults, i was dropped off at Pasar Rakyat and not Puduraya as mentioned by the operator who sold me the tickets. Well thanks to the kind soul of the bus steward i was accompanied walk to the Pasar Wang where i decide to take the cab to meet my friend. Never in my life would i thought that taking a cab in Malaysia would be that challenging... cut story short i met up with Kenji and got to know his friend Alex..

Stayed overnite at his place before proceeding to Indera's relative house the next two subsequent night thanks to the no rooms available in KL. I got cruised when i was shopping alone in KLCC. the audacity of these youngsters.. I had a good meal at A&W, Kenny Rogers, Domino's pizza and some other snacks throughout the entire trip. Diet is thrown out the window.. Manage to get FCUK, Seeds, Padini and some other stuff.. Manage to even squeeze in two games of bowling.. some vegetating with drinks and party my nites aways in LA Queen and the club below it not sure whats its called..

Then back to Singapore and rushed for my lessons where i practically get stared at by the lecturer who thinks i some sort of a punk who aint serious about schooling and etc.. Well.. Part 2 of my KL Trip will be about my dear Kenshi and friends.. and Part 3 a short write up about my Club night. This is just the summaryof my trip to the land of the twin towers.. :)

I am at work now and yes if you are asking if am skiving again the answer is a yeah and a no. Well basically what needed to be done at work is done.. secondly its a short break from the long ardous time of staring at the screen...

I was just thinking many things have happen from my last posting till now and yeah i know i procrastinating about posting about my Stand Chart marathon stuff.. the medals and pic.. Well one is i am lazy to take picture of it secondly haha i cant find my bloody photo from the official organiser which SUCKS... but at least i have the medal to prove i DID it in the name of Reuben Kee and the other dragonboaters..

Second thing is i finally officially joined the dragon boaters of my work place and well forming a new team to work hard at dragonboating.. Yes i have become one of the dragonboaters... strange but true.. am a dragonboater now.. lol.. the irony of it all.. Well like they say you got to try everything once i guess. Achieve and try as much as possible and see where that leads me. Maybe i learn something about dragonboat and who knows i might even light it. the whole camadarie and etc.

So tomorrow onwards starts my short wild and busy schedule of what i call a short vacation which i sure is going to leave me SUPER exhausted. Tomorrow morning will be my photoshoot with the Asiaone for the finals. its an outdoor SHOOT!!! YIKES!!!! at VIVO city double YIKES!!!!

Next will have to rush down to golden Mile to catch my coach to Kuala Lumpur for 6 hours. While in that freaking coach have to do my reading for my class so that i won miss out on what the class did and discuss. A whole freaking book on politics, economics and such.. *yawn* Meeting Kenshi there at 9.30 and off havocing in KL haha till Indera comes..

Sat and Sun has yet to be mapped out other than the fact i will definitely gym there and check into the Hotel. then the shopping spree and endless walking begins from Sat til Sun. Party till we drop.... :P with dearest Indera again.. Jay cant join and Bryce far away in Yunnan. Would have love you guys there too.. Faisal guess too last min for him..

Then i come back on monday str8 rush to class for my lectures and tuesday is the quiz.. and back to work on tuesday.. Can you just imagine the kind of mad rush i going through.. SOOOOO can die..... Good thing is i make full use of my time and thats what i want. No more lazing on my ass got to get up and pumping again..

So wish me luck man.. hopefully i will not embarrass myself and do well in my new arena i taking..

My mind now is like the rat here. One small rat taking on the big world. Pretty daunting and quite honestly its one damn darn of a scary deal. I am currently at a cross road again. Its not about personal but more of a career sort of thing.

There are a few thoughts that been running through my brains and these pros and cons are taking a sort of hold on me. I easily get distracted and kind of hard to concentrate at work because i do not know whether my next decision would make my life better or worse.

My current job is good. Nothing much to complain but the obvious discern on the remunerations is a level of concern for me because its fairly obvious we are not rank some sort of priorities in terms of remunerations. In short they make us seems we are a dispensable lot. Irregardless of countless feedbacks, i fail to see any improvement or any fight for our cause and from the history of how the work place function, changes are expected to move at a glacial pace. The increment is so paltry i rather not mentioned it. The only good thing is there are bonuses coming along. Other than that, nothing else seems to be exciting or remotely to look forward to.

The job i applying offers a whole 500 dollars more. It is super enticing. Work wise basis there are higher and faster chances of one moving because its expanding and some arenas are pretty much in baby state. Company well established and you get to widen contacts and travel i guess at some point of time.

Base on the above, its kinda of a lopsided argument with the obivous choice of answers on which one to choose. However as everyone knows the other side might not always be a greener side. Everyone knows that. My worries is what if this change of step going cost me more than it benefits me.

In life everything involve a risk, if i truly change then i be back to square one learning about mixing with the dynamics of people, adapting to the corporate culture. Doing all i can to fit in again after fitting in here at my work place after like 2 yrs. Is this the right career move for me? My worries i guess is valid. it stands. What decision should i take? To move or not to move.

I am at work now. Skiving. My heart feels heavy and things hasnt been pretty or good for me but whats not new. Thats life as they say it.. I moving still even if its at a glacial pace i still moving..

The only thing that lift my spirit today is the post comment from an Adam who wrote about my posting on my tribute to Reuben.. To you thank you. Your small note has made my day. at least i doing something right.

To Reuben and the 4 others who lost your life and to Adam, i proud to say that i completed the standchart with a timing of slightly over an hour. The ran which i dedicated to the 5 of you who perished was a great one for me. I ran none stop.. coming from a first timer and one who have an operated knee i think i done them proud or at least i hope.. I done it thanks to you 5!

Well.. i acheive alot this year learn alot this year and still i made mistakes in my life. some are easily rectified while others are hard or even unable to repair. One mistake which i made this year recently is leaving me here with a heavy heart. My mind wonders alot today.. If you are reading this you know this posting is regarding what i done to you.. I have been dissapointed far too many times that i become a paranoid and sometimes even delusion crept in thinking of some disastrous ending or outcome even before it happen and yet still something that won even happen. I guess coming from experiences that left me kinda torn, i kinda do things that left others hurt and make mistakes that i shouldnt have.. if you reading this i am really sorry for the unneccesary pain and negative feelings that brought to you. You done nothing but have been extending a great hand of warmth listening ear and great comfort when i need it sometimes. Always ever ready.. I not reason out or explain myself to you. All i asking is that you could find it in your heart to just give me that one other chance. a Chance would be great gift to me and if not if you could forgive me that would be sufficient.

I been thinking alot yesterday night and today. i seen something about me that will and have to need some amendments. Life is about changes and what better than a change for the better. I hope to you all and you reading this you could assist me or bear with me for i am changing being the best person that i can be. My apologies to you all if i ever in any way done anything that might have hurt whether consciously or not.

Mood: heavy heart and down

I have live this year more fulfilling in terms of being healthy. Its two more days to my marathon run. It aint much i know i only going for the 10km run. But for a first timer and introduction to the world of marathon. I have come a long way from where i was.

From a guy who perpectually failed his 2.4 with a timing like 20 mins or less. I have now able to run 5km in half hour plus minus. Thats an achievement i guess.. Not to mentioned this is the fifth marathon i taken part in since the start of the year and i bet with you there are many more runs that i taking part. Marathons now is part of my exercise routine.

Well this run i going to try my best to run all 10km non-stop. I keep in mind the five dragonboaters who gave their life away.. Awe inspiring and sad to see them go.. The run will be for them. My own personal tribute to them : Running till i reach the end where victory awaits me always.. You guys will always be miss by your love ones.

So guys wish me luck for my run... to the five guys watch over us and see how i blaze the trails in your honour and remembrance..

I so excited to RUN...!!!!

To dear readers,

I have never knew whether people read my blog or who have come to by blog to read my entries. Base on resources it seems there are people who read my blogs and of course had some inklings about my life.

My first and foremost thanks to you for taking your time to read about details of my life, things that i have gone through and done and my feelings and emotions that i have been experiencing in which are recorded in here.

Well, whatever notions you have of me or think of me i hope that don not fixate me to somethings that you assume base on info that fallen here.. This is no doubt me without any cover ups but yeah if reading this and you form some bad impression or that i less than a normal human being then it be better that you don read my blog at all..

It tough enough be trying to be who i am at work and outside and at the same time disguising myself. I tired of trying to please all of you.. If you found out things about me and that you are scared because i am unlike the common you then please leave my blog. I tired of trying to fit into everyone's model. No one want to be born or become certain things or what i call flaws in themselves.

I don judge you who are you to judge me and think of yourself as a higher more worthier being than me. You don get to know me then don assume of me and if you seen me and etc don act all uncomfortable and look at me with that expression cause it hurts.. although i don show it but it does.. in a world where modernisation is happening at every corner it is sad to see that backdated mind still exist..

I am judge by you at work by who i am. My moving up the career ladder is hinders by who i am not how i work.. I am judged by the people around me like i am a second class citizen, a nigger in a white environment. I seen many looks on your face and as much as i ignore me it does stings sometimes..

I don ask to be who i am. You think i ask to be like this? My last words before you judge me and acts towards me in the manner that reflects negatively put yourself in my shoe.. DO UNTO OTHERS WHAT YOU WANT OTHERS TO DO UNTO YOU.

Well i sent my Thank You SMS to all those who have sent me wonderful gifts and well wishes when i turned a century years old..

Here are the lists of name in no particular order :

Indera, Idah & Sam, Yan, ridzuan, Jay, Faisal, Jasmine, Claire, osman, Chiow Lin, SIong Chye & Fay, Andrew and Friend, kelvin tan, kelvin chua, Junyu, Anneson, Nasser and friend, victor, mummy, justin, thomas, sharain, kak Ati, Kak Titin, Mark, Gus, cammy, Kym, Sharyn, Ching Ching, Miryanto, Kak Murni, Juli, Ramona, Izmir, Kak Liza.

And everyone else who have done things for me and well wishes i appreciate it.. the gift from your hearts i keep it safe and well in my heart.. LOVE YOU LOTS!

Well My party begins with the dinner at Minottie courtesy of indera's planning and the generous chef and the GF, Yi wen and Chef Andri.. Had a splashing good time and laugh there with Junyu who drove me around in his MINI COOPER.. one cool car.. Jay who came down from his camp.. Idah from work and Indera and Yi Wen...

The later part of the evening was spent going to the movies with dear Jay and Indera watching the ever loved story of Enchanted.

Second Day spent my day nursing my raging migraine.. after which went to do my Hip Hop Class and lastly went on at night clubbing at PLAY with Indera and Jay.. The incident with the Germans were hilarious and had a good time dancing the night away..

Lastly on a sunday where my BBQ starts.. Most of the confirmed guest list came down and amidst the heavy rain that occur midway through the bbq.. all went quite well with many gifts.. i need to insert one more gift very special one from my lovable dearest sister who makes the cookies..

Thats the short summary of what i did over the last weekend.. The thank you posting will come in tomorrow.. PRomise as i got to go and sms them thanks for everything..

These pictures you see are the gifts that i have received from people i love who loves me back of course... here are the list :

A CK Tote Bag

A NUM Laptop bag

Braun Buffel Luggage tag

Cufflinks from cant remember brand

Nice Pink Polo Tee

A Casio swiming diving watch

A side pouch

Addidas latest sport set

Japs series swimming trunks

and few boxes of chocolates..

The thank you notes will come in the next blog.