I have been affected lately by of many recent events lately in my life. Someone whom i fell for had decided to not continue what was i guess the dating scene. I know i shouldnt be affected by it but sometimes at some point of time it really gets to me..

I notice the change in behavior for quite a while eversince the day he left my house.The behavior then soon relates to many miscommunications and many exasperation on both ends. You end or starts the arguments always over the sms through the phone. At many a times i wonder why we cant talk face to face.. It is sad that again i have failed yet in another attempt at a relationship. It burns and hurt alot and i trying to deal with the situation. The last few strings of messages really were filled with more hurt anger and cynism that i never thought would come my way. Afterall all this while i always been tolerating, swallowing and never once blew my top or reveal my upmost displeasure to you..

I gave what i got and my questions to you on are we dating ( you never seems to be able to admit to that) and questions like Are you dating anyone else( you wanted an open dating relationship) peeves you off in which i do not understand why does that peeves you. You call me insecurity and etc.. when all i wanted was just firstly i do not want to assume things that only one side had agreed on.. and the second questions was a legitimate question to ask since that was you who wanted an open relationship. Wanting to know from you and understand you seems to peeve you off..

Whatever it is it hurts when you brush me off so easily.. i gave all that i got and this is the brunt that i received. I saw in your profile that you seeing someone special.. i know its bad to think of it but somehow i felt you had a change of heart and i guess found someone else. You moved on i guess that good, i still trying but seeing the word " Seeing someone special" stings because throughout the time we are dating your status was "single" and now when i see that new change in your profile it disheartening to know that that someone special never did or never was me in the first place..

I wish you all the happiness in the world Riyan.. for whoever it is you choose that accompany and walk with you in life.. " To love someone is to set someone free and see him happy" i really did like you alot and i know i could have love you unconditionally but i guess that not enough for you..

There is at some point of time in a person life where he felt he defeated. I feel like that now. Someone always been telling me to live each day as if its my last and that tomorrow never comes. I never fully grasp the idea of it but somehow i been doing it to the best of my capability.

Somehow or rather i feel like if it is my last then i live with quite a number of regrets. I been forwarding, accomodating and really listening to things but why rather then it working out i feel like i get slap back? Why is it so difficult?

"Y"

I cover your ass when you got into trouble. I save your skin. I came down to accompany you for your breaks as and when i can. I try to accomodate my timing to you. I ask you in advance and it was you who mentioned you want to go out, meet up and take it from there. A day where you overslept and didn meet up when i arrange to meet u near your place you tell me no need too late for you. You hardly or don reply to my sms on things i ask or sent to you. You don have time to meet me but have time for everything else. Your reply that you going to reply to me by end of the week, the end of the week never came..

*X*

I know and understand of your predicament of your work and all.You move around alot and i totally fine with it. Your efforts in your sms and calls have always been appreciated and treasured alot but your hot and cold treatment sometimes leave me baffled. I not someone who keeps asking for anything and i not the sort that rakes up the past. Sometimes my questions such as you sent the email? or when your next off day becomes a wrong question and like it seems i raking up things in which I am just asking? I been noticing that the answers from ok, to ok (see how), to maybe and recently i got was can we don talk about this? A wrong word spoken in which means nothing like "my dear" just a term and i got a snap remark from you. I always happy talking to you. I don have any expectations from you.

Basically "X" "Y", I feel that on one hand you like my company and can click but you just want it either from afar or just via the phone. Any work any kind of work will sure leave you with time, you all seems to have time for everything but even for a meal or a drink with me where i told you i accomodate to your time and even venue have always been turned down. Its not about you not having time i feel, its about you do not feel i am worth your time. As time passes i beginning to feel it more and more. If you do have some secrets that leaves this action you taking I hope you can tell me. I still love and adores your company be it by phone or just sms and chat.

But as i say i think i going to be just a simpleton and stop asking you and for meet up and etc. I shall refrain myself from asking and hope that you can one day find time to meet me.. meanwhile i just bask and enjoy in your company minus the actual seeing you in person.;

Its the monday and "X" is off again today. The thing is eversince that one day on Thursday. Everything seems to be spiralling down. I come to the point that i stop caring anymore. If "X" message then good for me and if "X" does not then doesnt matter any more.

"X" mentioned missed talking to me but yet its been like almost 2 weeks whenever the sentence comes as " Call you later" " I go shower first" " will call back" it has come to a point where i realise this are words that literally spell out i won call. I not sure if "x" sees that but then again i maybe just a friend whoom "x" is comfortable talking to. Anyway i tired of playing games already. There is already so much i can take so yeah..

whatever lah.. I am not a toy where u feel like calling you call you feel like msging u msg. maybe i do get pushed and taken advantage of.. Stupid me..

Just like in the picture here, i at a cross road again. I cant help it but feel rather down and out today. No doubt i received the sms and all but somehow or rather something does not seems to be flowing right?

Why the avoidance whenever the question of meet up is asked? Why promised night after night to call you back later but not a single time a call is made back despite me informing that I be sleeping late or waiting for his call. Why the reply does not come in when i asked about is your weekend off still valid? Is there something I should know? I need to talk to you so that i can know what is going on? I don want to play any games and i am not interested to play any games. Just be straight direct and true thats all i asking for even if the answer is a bitter one i rather swallow a bitter pill than to just hang by the noose and not knowing whether to hang or be hanged? I am sick of uncertainty and i am tired of trying to figure the games. I either am good at it or sucks at it either way it doesnt bode me well. So please just be direct with me.. I hate being on the neither here nor there kind of place. Its very disturbing and making me going through a roller coaster..

I been meaning to blog for a while and again the procrastination bug has been biting me time and again or maybe the inspiration to write a blog just was not there hei.. you cant blame me if the deary stuff keep pouring out..

Well to my non existent readers out there.. here an update of my life.. Let see where did i last jet off.. hmm.. oh ya i met a certain someone whom known for a while but sad to say let just say things din set off as it would.. Naive is one thing that still stays with me.. STUPID ME...

Well, anyway for a start here goes.. hmm i met another certain someone who has been giving me more smiles and couple of frowns but well no ones perfect so things been well good and progressing.. I still have my skeptics and doubts but after having that much of failure who wouldnt right.. To you thanks for being in my life for the past four years more or less, Let just see how it goes and i do hope everything goes the way it should.. Up till then my fingers would be crossing...

Well.. one other exciting thing that coming up is.. TADAAH.. see the photo.. my photoshoot with Alvin or more adoringly i call him Jsangye his pyseudo name in the cyber world.. Well he does have a knack with the camera and WAH LAAA he create wonders with me.. in the photoshoot.. *GRINCH* though i do get my fair share of snaps from him.. of course his mouth hahaha.. about how my No confidence in myself is really showing in my pictures and he and my dearest Indera had to ART direct me.. ya judging my the photos you may think hei.. u look confident but haha.. on the contrary i guess i realise i don have that much so yeah something to work on.. :P

So yeah!! going for my Holiday soon not after i have to bitch to my school for informing us of my next module so late i have to most probably defer my class.. DAMN! Poor me.. they should have informed us much earlier..

Well an announcement.. i think i going to have a subsidiary BLOG yes.. cause the photos here difficult to post and i cant arrange then the way i want it.. so the more RAUNCHY blog will be in where else but the other label.. Livejournal.. where VICTOR i promise you that blog will be more scantilly dress and more pompous than this one... This blog will of course stil be running but of a more personal life and my free psychologist to free my mind of the turbulent emotional roller coasters that i go through everyday..

In my attempt to lighten up the sombre mood that my blog always carry (hei! this blog of mine suppose to be the carriers for my sadness and tragedies), i shall attempt to answer victor's question on what makes a man from his entry into his blog.. Victor if you are reading this then hahaha.. see whether you agree with me..

A man is a man when he...

does not mix his words and meant it and kept it. Words coming out from the mouth are important verbal agreement to another party. It binds someone together or to a commitment but sad to say in my journey coming to 26 years of my life, those man i met does not carry this trait..

knows when to mouth and dare to mouth the word, "I am sorry". Just when a man makes his mistakes especially life related decisions, its a true man who can apologise and acknowledge the mistake to be his and that he is sorry for it..

Confront his fears. Some men fear big things others are just a simple thing of professing his love to someone or telling people of his weakness of a certain person or object..

he is not afraid of his emotions.. there are many out there who hides his emotions for fearing he not be regarded as a man.. A man who is not afraid to show his emotions does not only shows he a man but a human who has an array of feelings and that it is perfectly alright not to be a man of steel..

In all of my life so far meeting the men be it straight, bisexual, homosexual, Asexual or watever it is, sometimes the more effeminate mens seems to be able to fulfillmore of the above criterias more than their straight counterparts... does being effiminate or gay defines him as not men or is it the straights actions or lack of its display of the above criteria makes him more a man than others? What makes a man is a question of which type you want to be? A man intuned with his innerself or a man moulded by what society and people view how man should be like? liberated or supppressed, thats what makes a man..

Today was meant to be the day where somehow there is suppose to be some silver lining amidst the bleak weather that have been shadowing my personal life but at last what that could have happen had burst into thin air..

I should have known it was a bubble meant for me to see but never touch.. Like a fool as like before it burst in my face and now i left with the emptiness again.. When am i ever going to learn?

Naive should be my middle name... my heart aches. It hurts but sigh.. another day another time sometimes why is it some people do not understand that silent is the worst form of knife to someone heart than words itself..

Have I been craving it so much that i refuse to see that i heading the same road again and again.. and that the road will lead no where but downwards.. You hurt me.. whether or not you did it on purpose or unconsciously you hurt me.. your silence slice what was suppose to be a healing..

Was i naive enough to think that what you say was true? Was i too daft to know the cursed words that always rings in my head " These are just words... its your own fault to take it truthfully" For what its worth at least i didn judge or doubt but yet that virtue that i takes seriously seems to be the pit of my downfall from grace.. i like the dancer who can never fly in the air.. the one who clumsily fall down the staircase...

Wo YAO DE XING FU

KE SHI NA KE XING FU PU SHI WO DE

NA KE XING FU PU HUI LAI

LU GUO WO HUI NA DAO I TIAN

WO QIU HE MAN ZHU LE

Well the long awaited pictures from my Bangkok trip in January with of course pictures that only show the better side of me and my lovelies Indera, Bryce and Faisal..

The FOUR bachelors on the prowl in the streets of Bangkok!!

Click on Link:

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AYsWTZm3bNmLCeg&notag=1

A good friend says my blog too much heaviness in it so here the lighter side of it.. i got to be hero for a day...

Guess which one am i Lol..

Its the Annual Dinner and Dance...

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AYsWTZm3bNmLCPg&notag=1

I had my virgin beach parties with two of my lovelies from work.. Idah and Yan.. As usual we started the cam whoring i mean.. we are at the beach.. so hit it up and this i personally like which is why its my main cover pic for the entry so hehehe.. enjoy the pics of course they are only link to those that are meant to be seen in its all glorified fashion and beauty..

hehe.. a tribute to GER GER YAN IDAH SAM and the OH SO SWEET COUPLE ( forgot you guys name).. Click Link Below!

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AYsWTZm3bNmLCHA&notag=1

I have been out of tune with myself much nowadays.. I been very fake with my exterior lately and i do admit that i portray a differently from what i am feeling inside.. I been lying..

Deep down i been having weird out of tune feeling with myself. I rather been down lately and having one of my bouts of hollow feelings again within me. I guess i am complex person.. I feel out of tune very off with myself and not inline and as such i been rather sad and i try not to portray much about it on the exterior.

Jasmine confession about her feeling of lonliness and hollowness struck a much deeper chord with me cause for once i guess i hearing someone else saying something that normally would have come out from my own mouth.

One reason why i know why i feeling this way is beause i noticed that I have very limited people around me.. At work i have Idah, Yan and Kak M with me but if they have their engagement i noticed i left with no one but myself. Then there is Bryce who is going back to Australia, Indera who shift works makes it tough to meet and i been on more occasions clashing with him.. and Jay who going leave for overseas study soon.. The recent lashing out with him is a sign how we fought.

Life have not been a bed of roses in terms of my personal life.. I know i trying to live day to day by it and at times i do admit that i am also being an avoidance of totally avoiding whatever it is that bothers me to the fact that i know i lost quite a lot of confidence in myself. If i fancy someone gosh... i know its almost head for doom as it always happens and recently just yesterday the action that i took today seems to be more of a regrettable decision than it is of a good one. My sentiments that the action i took today is going be another slap across my face and i not sure how i going to be able to take it in.. but as usual i have to even though i know my heart would bleed alil or a lot.

As advised by Idah, here i am trying to piece words together on how i feel and trying to get it out to be able to understand. These days life been good to me family been good and all but its just that perhaps the sinking feeling of being alone is what pulls me down now because i don know.

Its sometimes funny how i see a friend who practically get chased by gazillions of people and yet nocholantly he treats them like easy come easy goes.. I am not sure if he appreciates them but sometimes i wonder how it feels to have people flocking to you without you even trying and for me all i asking for is one person who wants me and i want the person back in return.. I not asking for alot i asking for only one and somehow in my life thats a super tall order..

I not ugly but i not good looking either, i one of those whom you see roaming the street and i guess i am one of those who looks god enough to be labelled as the boy or the guy next door.. But rather then feeling like the boy next door i feel like Moses Lim from the TV series.. i am the toy that sits on the shelves and waste away.. i am that beggar sitting on the street that people walks pass and says thank god i am not him..

Sometimes i just feel that my purpose of the jinx lovelife is to let others appreciate what they have in their life and possession. I am the one whom people look and say with a sigh of relief "thank god i am not him".

So to you out there i do hope whoever you are you find me soon.. The jadedness is really growing in huge amount and in huge volume that soon it might consume me. I know i am not in depression but just that sometimes the negativity is just too huge to be ignored. Its like when you are in a room of silence and that silence get so deafening that you cannot ignore its existence.

To my non existence readers, if you are reading this you might be judging me in which i don really know what you thinking and in case you think i am suicidal or in depressions then i can safely tell you i am not..lets just say i been out of tune with myself , off keyed needs lots of tuning and lots of working to get myself together.. I left something behind in my last holiday and there fore i need to find me again somehow..

My brazen attempt at the pageant last year has brought most of it remnants back into this year still with the Asiaone face of the year competition from the monthly winners of last year.

By some miraculous title i am Face of the Month for October 2007 and i by some means known as Mr October. It still give me a weird ringing tone to it. I somehow become nameless and got associated with the associated month.. :P

Well for my non existent readers you can check me out at www.asiaone.com at the bottom of the page there is a small click onlink for face of the year and there you will see my competitors. I wont win thats for sure but hecks! its my obligation to continue with the end year pageant. Dutifully fulfilling my duties as Mr. October.

It been a while since i last posted and yeah i got to admit i been busy working and schooling that i was totally drained both emotionally and physically that i was beginning to drag each day that comes and i got more tired that i was before..

Well, today i am back at work feeling much more refreshed. I went bangkok for 4days3nights. The holiday and short getaway makes gets me revitalised, more energy and felt better i guess.I gained quite a fair bit from the experience. It was my virgin trip to the land of the elephants.

The details of the trip will be conveyed in my next post once my photos come in.. I gained lots more than i thought i get from my experience in bangkok.. It was a trip different from all my trips overseas... This trip was really my trip my move my exprience.. its was my trip..

It been a liberated trip for me. I actually get to be me. Wholy me and totally me. It felt good to be me and for once i felt i was ok being me. There was nothing wrong being me there. For once i felt good about myself, i could tell myself i was alright as me. I was great as a me. I had the confident to walk down the street. I made people look at me again. Head turn and i was good..

You read this and you think gosh this guy is so into himself but sometimes don you want for once to be able to make head turns for the good reasons. To feel that you are good and that you are alright, Judgements about you were positive and its like self medicine for yourself.

For right or wrong, i am me and i was comfortable sitting in my own skin. I met people i see people i mix around with people. People taken to me because i am me. That was nice for a change.

Now i penning this down because it felt dreamlike somehow. It was hard as i was leaving the airport. I saw myself standing behind the glass door as i was leaving for the plane. I could almost see me waving to myself as i left the airport through the glass door. I had to leave me behind in bangkok as i left.I actually turn around and look at myself waving as i left. That was me there.. In returning back to Singapore for my family and friends, i had to leave me there. It was something i had to do. i had to only bring back me that was acceptable here in Singapore.. As i sat on the plane i remembered the video clip by stephanie Sun, Wo De Ai.. that was me leaving me.. temporary love affair with myself.. and i remembered a scene from the Asian Boys Volume 3 the theatre how the macho guy met his former self and the connection and emotions that ran through.. You can call me emotional can call me a wreck but it was a good trip for me. refreshing.. and happy..

1. This posting was meant to be up and running yesterday.. but...
2. 1 i got held up with work
3. 2. the timing was just wayward
4. 3. I got distracted
5. 4. the thoughts did not flow.

I am under tremendous stress now with the module i am taking for my degree.. It is heavy stuff and i got to admit it is overwhelming compared to the last two modules i took. I am taking the American history Political Science which is majorly heavy and very current affairs. I have to admit listening and learning the whole Political stories were great and highly addictive and entertaining however the studying part and the explanation of the stories itself added on personal view makes it highly difficult.

The good things is i have seen that i have lesser and lesser financial burden that straps my pay which is somehow a good thing. I don know what else to say.. Hmm... i rewrite again if ineed to right now just post this one..

There are suppose to be many updates and photos of stuff occuring in 2007. The last leg of the year but have been failing to do so thanks to my never ending studying for my new module, America Political Science. Yesh you heard me Political Science.. Tough one on that..

Well anyway here goes the recapped of what happen...

The last one that i updated was Idah wedding.. Well simply after that there was nothing else to update.. Christmas countdown was a dinner at Fish and Co in Wheelock with Indera, Bryce, Faisal, Adrian, Jay and Jay's friend. Thats about all and after that we all went out seperate ways. The two munchkins who is supppose to either go back or go walk walk before going back in the end end up at PLAY.. Well hahaha you guys know who u are.. SLUTS!~!! kekeke... Unlike Moi, i was at a Karaoke with the rest belting out songs in the most unfashionable way.. crooning like toad to musics of the modern.. But no worries no casualties other than pained ear to all those screeching High Notes.. :P

So come the New Year Eve Update :

Worked Half day(crap!) then had lunch at Eatz19 with Yan followed by a short shopping spree.. then off to AMK where i have to do my groceries shopping with Bryce for the night countdown at my place.. YOU guys who haven pay up better do so.. HHMMMMMPRH!!! lol.. Well all went well met Jay went back to my place, we had chicken, some chicken red curry, some snacks, drinks, pizza (which we ate next morning, post party) followed by dips, doughnuts,cheetos and many other stuff.. The night was spent away with playing games and watching movies and listening to the songs of 2007.. It was a small event but meaningful to me having the closest friends around me from Bryce, Adrian, Indera, Faisal and Jay.. I had my fun cuddling up with you guys, hearing you guys SNORE like some ship docking and all the other embarrassing habits we all do in privacy of our own room.. Kekekekee....

And on new years eve.. basically i spent my day rotting at home and playing HELL GATE... my bitch in the game is a cool bitch.. :P so yeah.. So new year has come here are my resolutions..

1. To get to my 62 weight again.

2. to participate in at least 3 Marathons

3. Save up to 4000 by year end

4. To continue with Dboat and participate in at least ONE race

5. Driving test

6. To have at least 2 Holidays this year. ( One coming up, BKK here i COME!!)