It was a last minute decision, something i would say more out of the moment decision that i decided to watch the show with Benjamin.. Not really knowing the synopsis of the show except for the fact its about a boy meet girl, boy fall in love, girl not on same agenda and blah blah blah..

Well it turned out that the show had more depth to it and more reflection than i thought.. The show did well in making one think and making one able to connect with the characters in the show.. the definition of love, the idealism behind the one and fate and the idea of you know it when it happens to you..

What the show din tell you is this " What happens when IT happens to you but then the IT does not happen to the other person, then what?" The show informs of the hard sordid truth that everything mostly is a conincidence, something that happens at the right or wrong time to you, he loves her but she not looking for a boyfriend but in the end became someone's wife, as bitter as the truth was she did say something honestly " I found it in him something which i couldnt find in you". Its a hard piece of truth but that truth is the best medication for him because by knowing the truth that he isnt her IT could he then finally move on and goes on again.. She however stole something from him the idealism of something positive but however gave him the tenacity and the will to carry on living and becoming stronger and taking things with a pinch of salt..

I hate the idea that the show makes me remember my last IT and how it tore me apart and took me a while to piece myself together and in many sense, that me is piece together but never really am complete anymore nor is it ever the same, in a way i lose some and i gain some.

IT decided to end what we were having at the stroke of midnight to 2009. Decision made a while back and i guess i failed to make IT change his mind.. three months of sadness that overwhelm me and that each day a storm always hangs over my head. My smile was forced and the sadness was hidden behind a face that void of expression.

Days become deary and literally sometimes you pig out hoping the food digest it away or listen to music, getting in bed and stayin in bed.. basically do everything you can do make it go away.. or make it stay either way it not healthy.. It took three month mourning, two months in the States and one two more months of stablising myself that i decided to open up and move on and get to know people out there not to find a replacement but just to start living again and hopefully if IT happens again may it be mutual...

I stop hoping much for it lest i be dissapointed again and falls back on the ground..though deep in my heart i do want to sleep at night in the arms of someone i can call my own, waking up to see IT still sleeping and breathing looking all serene or waking up seeing IT lking at me and feeling belong.. Having something to look forward to after the end of a hard day of work, a meal or something along that line...

Its the companion that miss most, the known idea that you can snuggle into the person arms or have your arms around the person, talking nonsense being that crazy you and all knowing that even after despite knowing you the person still loves you for who you are..

I guess in us, humans the most important thing that makes us human is attachment. it is with attachments that one opens up to loving someone and making sacrifices and being just..happy.
Contentment pours in when the attachment is there, when you grown to love the work you do or the job you are in the attachment makes you stay and be productive, when you start loving the people around you, the attachment makes you keep them in your mind, heart and communicate always, keeping them close..

I never knew if the IT will happen to me again.. and if it does happen will my IT be the same feeling that feel with the last IT, will i know that this is IT or will i doubt it and wonders about it, scare to embrace it remembering how it tore me apart or that i will embrace the IT knowing that the last failed one has made me more resilient to find what is ultimately my own happiness and that of finding the right coincidence that is rightfully mine?

There is a saying there you never know how much something or someone means to you until you lost it or it has gone away...

I guess it is true although as much the fact that i always cherish you being around it feels empty now that you have gone away not forever but for a while away.. and with your absence i guess i have to be more independent and work my way around the time of your absence.. My confidante..Well i do good and i do well...

There is a sudden big change that has occured in my life... Some good some bad.. here a short take of what is the good thing that has happen...

I did my graduation at Ritz Carlton Hotel in Singapore.. Initially i did not have any intention of doing it but well for my parents i decided to go for it and i am glad i did it because what my mom expressed to me was something that i felt more accomplished then actuallly finishing the degree. Mom says she felt that she could finally feel so relieve that all the years of her hard work and prayers have finally came and that she finally see one of her children going up there in the robe she had always wish she get to see.. That is enough for me.. At least i did my parents proud..

I have been affected lately by of many recent events lately in my life. Someone whom i fell for had decided to not continue what was i guess the dating scene. I know i shouldnt be affected by it but sometimes at some point of time it really gets to me..

I notice the change in behavior for quite a while eversince the day he left my house.The behavior then soon relates to many miscommunications and many exasperation on both ends. You end or starts the arguments always over the sms through the phone. At many a times i wonder why we cant talk face to face.. It is sad that again i have failed yet in another attempt at a relationship. It burns and hurt alot and i trying to deal with the situation. The last few strings of messages really were filled with more hurt anger and cynism that i never thought would come my way. Afterall all this while i always been tolerating, swallowing and never once blew my top or reveal my upmost displeasure to you..

I gave what i got and my questions to you on are we dating ( you never seems to be able to admit to that) and questions like Are you dating anyone else( you wanted an open dating relationship) peeves you off in which i do not understand why does that peeves you. You call me insecurity and etc.. when all i wanted was just firstly i do not want to assume things that only one side had agreed on.. and the second questions was a legitimate question to ask since that was you who wanted an open relationship. Wanting to know from you and understand you seems to peeve you off..

Whatever it is it hurts when you brush me off so easily.. i gave all that i got and this is the brunt that i received. I saw in your profile that you seeing someone special.. i know its bad to think of it but somehow i felt you had a change of heart and i guess found someone else. You moved on i guess that good, i still trying but seeing the word " Seeing someone special" stings because throughout the time we are dating your status was "single" and now when i see that new change in your profile it disheartening to know that that someone special never did or never was me in the first place..

I wish you all the happiness in the world Riyan.. for whoever it is you choose that accompany and walk with you in life.. " To love someone is to set someone free and see him happy" i really did like you alot and i know i could have love you unconditionally but i guess that not enough for you..

There is at some point of time in a person life where he felt he defeated. I feel like that now. Someone always been telling me to live each day as if its my last and that tomorrow never comes. I never fully grasp the idea of it but somehow i been doing it to the best of my capability.

Somehow or rather i feel like if it is my last then i live with quite a number of regrets. I been forwarding, accomodating and really listening to things but why rather then it working out i feel like i get slap back? Why is it so difficult?

"Y"

I cover your ass when you got into trouble. I save your skin. I came down to accompany you for your breaks as and when i can. I try to accomodate my timing to you. I ask you in advance and it was you who mentioned you want to go out, meet up and take it from there. A day where you overslept and didn meet up when i arrange to meet u near your place you tell me no need too late for you. You hardly or don reply to my sms on things i ask or sent to you. You don have time to meet me but have time for everything else. Your reply that you going to reply to me by end of the week, the end of the week never came..

*X*

I know and understand of your predicament of your work and all.You move around alot and i totally fine with it. Your efforts in your sms and calls have always been appreciated and treasured alot but your hot and cold treatment sometimes leave me baffled. I not someone who keeps asking for anything and i not the sort that rakes up the past. Sometimes my questions such as you sent the email? or when your next off day becomes a wrong question and like it seems i raking up things in which I am just asking? I been noticing that the answers from ok, to ok (see how), to maybe and recently i got was can we don talk about this? A wrong word spoken in which means nothing like "my dear" just a term and i got a snap remark from you. I always happy talking to you. I don have any expectations from you.

Basically "X" "Y", I feel that on one hand you like my company and can click but you just want it either from afar or just via the phone. Any work any kind of work will sure leave you with time, you all seems to have time for everything but even for a meal or a drink with me where i told you i accomodate to your time and even venue have always been turned down. Its not about you not having time i feel, its about you do not feel i am worth your time. As time passes i beginning to feel it more and more. If you do have some secrets that leaves this action you taking I hope you can tell me. I still love and adores your company be it by phone or just sms and chat.

But as i say i think i going to be just a simpleton and stop asking you and for meet up and etc. I shall refrain myself from asking and hope that you can one day find time to meet me.. meanwhile i just bask and enjoy in your company minus the actual seeing you in person.;

Its the monday and "X" is off again today. The thing is eversince that one day on Thursday. Everything seems to be spiralling down. I come to the point that i stop caring anymore. If "X" message then good for me and if "X" does not then doesnt matter any more.

"X" mentioned missed talking to me but yet its been like almost 2 weeks whenever the sentence comes as " Call you later" " I go shower first" " will call back" it has come to a point where i realise this are words that literally spell out i won call. I not sure if "x" sees that but then again i maybe just a friend whoom "x" is comfortable talking to. Anyway i tired of playing games already. There is already so much i can take so yeah..

whatever lah.. I am not a toy where u feel like calling you call you feel like msging u msg. maybe i do get pushed and taken advantage of.. Stupid me..

Just like in the picture here, i at a cross road again. I cant help it but feel rather down and out today. No doubt i received the sms and all but somehow or rather something does not seems to be flowing right?

Why the avoidance whenever the question of meet up is asked? Why promised night after night to call you back later but not a single time a call is made back despite me informing that I be sleeping late or waiting for his call. Why the reply does not come in when i asked about is your weekend off still valid? Is there something I should know? I need to talk to you so that i can know what is going on? I don want to play any games and i am not interested to play any games. Just be straight direct and true thats all i asking for even if the answer is a bitter one i rather swallow a bitter pill than to just hang by the noose and not knowing whether to hang or be hanged? I am sick of uncertainty and i am tired of trying to figure the games. I either am good at it or sucks at it either way it doesnt bode me well. So please just be direct with me.. I hate being on the neither here nor there kind of place. Its very disturbing and making me going through a roller coaster..

I been meaning to blog for a while and again the procrastination bug has been biting me time and again or maybe the inspiration to write a blog just was not there hei.. you cant blame me if the deary stuff keep pouring out..

Well to my non existent readers out there.. here an update of my life.. Let see where did i last jet off.. hmm.. oh ya i met a certain someone whom known for a while but sad to say let just say things din set off as it would.. Naive is one thing that still stays with me.. STUPID ME...

Well, anyway for a start here goes.. hmm i met another certain someone who has been giving me more smiles and couple of frowns but well no ones perfect so things been well good and progressing.. I still have my skeptics and doubts but after having that much of failure who wouldnt right.. To you thanks for being in my life for the past four years more or less, Let just see how it goes and i do hope everything goes the way it should.. Up till then my fingers would be crossing...

Well.. one other exciting thing that coming up is.. TADAAH.. see the photo.. my photoshoot with Alvin or more adoringly i call him Jsangye his pyseudo name in the cyber world.. Well he does have a knack with the camera and WAH LAAA he create wonders with me.. in the photoshoot.. *GRINCH* though i do get my fair share of snaps from him.. of course his mouth hahaha.. about how my No confidence in myself is really showing in my pictures and he and my dearest Indera had to ART direct me.. ya judging my the photos you may think hei.. u look confident but haha.. on the contrary i guess i realise i don have that much so yeah something to work on.. :P

So yeah!! going for my Holiday soon not after i have to bitch to my school for informing us of my next module so late i have to most probably defer my class.. DAMN! Poor me.. they should have informed us much earlier..

Well an announcement.. i think i going to have a subsidiary BLOG yes.. cause the photos here difficult to post and i cant arrange then the way i want it.. so the more RAUNCHY blog will be in where else but the other label.. Livejournal.. where VICTOR i promise you that blog will be more scantilly dress and more pompous than this one... This blog will of course stil be running but of a more personal life and my free psychologist to free my mind of the turbulent emotional roller coasters that i go through everyday..

In my attempt to lighten up the sombre mood that my blog always carry (hei! this blog of mine suppose to be the carriers for my sadness and tragedies), i shall attempt to answer victor's question on what makes a man from his entry into his blog.. Victor if you are reading this then hahaha.. see whether you agree with me..

A man is a man when he...

does not mix his words and meant it and kept it. Words coming out from the mouth are important verbal agreement to another party. It binds someone together or to a commitment but sad to say in my journey coming to 26 years of my life, those man i met does not carry this trait..

knows when to mouth and dare to mouth the word, "I am sorry". Just when a man makes his mistakes especially life related decisions, its a true man who can apologise and acknowledge the mistake to be his and that he is sorry for it..

Confront his fears. Some men fear big things others are just a simple thing of professing his love to someone or telling people of his weakness of a certain person or object..

he is not afraid of his emotions.. there are many out there who hides his emotions for fearing he not be regarded as a man.. A man who is not afraid to show his emotions does not only shows he a man but a human who has an array of feelings and that it is perfectly alright not to be a man of steel..

In all of my life so far meeting the men be it straight, bisexual, homosexual, Asexual or watever it is, sometimes the more effeminate mens seems to be able to fulfillmore of the above criterias more than their straight counterparts... does being effiminate or gay defines him as not men or is it the straights actions or lack of its display of the above criteria makes him more a man than others? What makes a man is a question of which type you want to be? A man intuned with his innerself or a man moulded by what society and people view how man should be like? liberated or supppressed, thats what makes a man..