I type a whole load of stuff yesterday for my blog entry only to have an error while i was in the midst of publishing it so that alone totally pisses me off yesterday to type another entry and so here comes another one but in a much shorter version of what i have typed yesterday relishing all the stuff I have done over the supposedly long weekend.. RECAP....

Wed : Valetine Day. Went to work. Had dinner at Swensen with Ridzuan, Bryce and Indera ( as usual late ) then went for the most nerve wrecking voice straining karaoke session, each belting out our own renditions of Stephanie Sun, Mariah Carey just to name a few.

Thursday & Friday : NO IDEA!!

Saturday: Was spent at home.. Then head to gym for dance class Hip Hop then.. back home.. and LALA land..

Sunday : Long Draggy day.. was at Sis place for Sri Yuliani 44th day religious function. She a newborn :P Adorable as hell but i been so busy to have time for my dear niece. She get loads of love from me thats for sure. After that, made my way to work where i been assigned for duty from the afternoon till midnite. What a DRAG. watch all the shows on TV and slept.

Monday : Vegetate at home. Recuperate from the long arduous work of sunday. At nite party my nites away at St James Fab party with Junyu, boi Boi, Indera, Faisal, Johnny and Jay and had a super late supper than ended at six am...

Tuesday : Woke up groggy as hell Not because i drink cause i DON drink or smoke.. From what i call the lack of sleep.. drag myself out of bed meet bryce n indera for lunch.. Bryce last day in Singapore. So trodded down to Vivo City ate.. walk walk then he drop me off at the GYM. Yesh i was tired but i work out like hell.. then watch movie EPIC movie with Jay and Junyu and Boi Boi.,. headed home slept like pig again.

Now that has sum up the super long holiday.. which to me is insufficient for a depraved holiday freak like myself... Now for the paranoia part.. hmmm here Goes...

I waited for now what have been three weeks. Its pass the new year and yet i have yet to hear anything from you. Apart from the few email last week and one chatting session online. Your coming back to Singapore last Friday was much awaited by me.. Then Chinese new year came so i let it pass and waited some more because you needed to be with your family and friends. Understandable.. You told me you going to call me after the new year to arrange a meet up and that you be not as busy as the last three weeks have been.. But yet up till today I have yet to hear from u be it via email or call. I getting paranoid. It seems like history is repeating itself. I so very afraid i going to get left behind as i always do.. I really hoping this is not happening to me yet again.. Please let me hear from you..

I am happy today.. due to the events that took place yesterday. You came online. You replied my mail. You made arrangements to meet me at night to chat online. You apologise to me for not being able to reply to my mail. Though to you maybe an insignificant gesture but to me its a great difference from getting silent treatment. I felt much relief receiving words from you. It enough for me for now knowing that.

The week of waiting. I knew i had to ask you yesterday regarding about is it true about what going on between the two of us. I knew you must be wondering why i ask and i did explain why i ask. However you have no idea how much of a baggage you remove from me when you said that whatever that was said before you left for overseas you meant it and is serious about it. I felt better knowing that. Though was a short meet up at night, i glad that somehow i get to see you online though you were not very talkative.. guess you must be tired..

i looking forward to you coming back this Friday. I looking forward for your call. I looking forward to meet you next week.

Bryce / Indera : It was great fun doing grocery shopping at Mustafa. Though ya at certain time the perfume smellcan be abit overwhelming i got to say that place has loads of stuff to buy... hehee..

Mood : Light Fluffy floating happy!

I got myself thinking today. The one issue that keeps coming up to my mind is Silence. You know how many people craves for silence so that for once they can think, relaxes, focus and the yadaah yadaah yadaah... These whole week silence was my torturer. Silence was so deafening to me that i kept playing songs.. in my head.Silence made me think when i don want to. Silence make me feel when i don feel like it and silence widens the hole in me that is already wide enough to swallow an elephant.

I always do not understand when people says that silence is always good. I never really understood why silence sometimes is always good. It is never always good. Silence leave so much questions unanswered. It maime people, cripple lives and refusal to face the reality.

In my life, I had someone. All of a sudden, that someone left me in silence. No reasons or questions or anything. The someone just dissappeared from my life. Though i telll people i fine, I knew i not. I was scarred. It broke me.Paralyse me. For a while during those period i was angry but not knowing what i was angry at. It took me a while to get back on my feet and i finally put it to rest when i actually bump into that someone i ran after that someone wanted a closure wanting to know why? what happen? But that someone walked away... I never knew ... why that happen and though I have moved on.. Life just isnt the same. That chapter that Someone has someone made me lost myself.

Everyone say me being at my age 24 turning 25 (URGH) i am still young. I think too much and such. Sometimes the silence of it all makes me grows up faster than anything. The silence made me think and forces me to think of the consequences what might happen what might not happen. Can you not blame me for the overwork my mind does?

This week has been excrutiatingly hard for me. There is no words to describe how hard it been for me. I been losing sleep over it. Stress over it. I feel so tired sometimes i just feel like giving up. Sometimes i feel that when i wake up i more tired than i was yesterday. Is this a sign of depression. I have mood swings. SOmetimes i get to mad at myself for god knows what reason but i do. SOmetimes suddenly i feel so sad i don know why either. I haven been able to pin point much of anything. Lets just say, nowadays i looking at glass half empty rather than half full.

I want to confide but i somehow or rather nowadays don know how to. One leaving for a way way long time. Another has sort of been so busy sort of grown slowly apart. Somethings i just cant tell him anymore cause I just don think i can tell him.

All in all, I stressed. I Lost and I tired.

I been bad... How I regret what i have done. I shouldnt have let it happen and yet it happen... It was a moment of weakness. DAMN IT.. TGIF! I feel bad feel so ARGH with myself for allowing it to happen. This is what happen when you think too much and let the insecurity and fear take over you. I should have known better and yet I let it happen. Stupid ME! Someone Run ME over.. Slap me across my face JUST SHOOT ME!

Its the friday the week is finally going be over very very soon. Its STRANGE how i felt the week past by very slowly and yet the hours pass by very fast. I don know how to explain it to you but this is how i feel. I try not to think about it. I crossing my finger hopefully i receive the phonecall that i am waiting for. Even an sms would do just fine for me. I rather hear a negative answer than a silent treatment. Yeah to all those out there, if you like to do the silent treatment in which sometimes i guilty of doing on certain issues in my life... think sometimes rather than giving it a silent treatment in which otherwords its called the avoidance issue.. i guess giving an answer even if its a negative answer is good. An issue as it is always has a closure. With that said, a negative or positive answer puts an end or a closing chapter to the issue at hand be it dating loving work school relationship issues. It provides a stepping stone or step for someone to move on move up and get on with life itself.

I did some things i am not proud of. I made wrong decisions and such and I think i need a closure on it. So here is my closure on it this entry. A negative entry but still forms a closure for me, having said so.. so if something bad or uneventful happen to me next week or something that i expects or hopes doesnt fall through then perhaps its just bad karma or... a retribution for me.

Please don dissapoint me like the others in the past have.

Today is is one of those days where you just feel at ease. You feel just nice nothing spectacularly good neither is there anything that is spectacularly bad. Nonetheless it one of those days where you just feel alright. So yeah that explains today picture where i look tired and yet able to smile slightly because of the part serenity that i feeling today. The day has just begun. I not sure how its going be later but i hope everything goes pretty alright today. Its a long week this week with the amount of work that i been driving myself to do. Not to mentioned tomorrow is the day i meet the executive committee of the Asean Scholarship in which i actually managed to squirm myself to the last two (I think) before they hand out the scholarship.

The thing now that makes me half hearted about this whole scholarship is that i would have to quit my job.( i think) because i might have to study full time if i am to actually get the scholarship. The whole idea of education is to get a good job but what if i got a good job. What if i left this job and only to discover this is the job i wanted. SIGH. If i cant get a no pay leave for my education and... I cant do it part time for my course. THEN i have to decide which one to let go and that itself is going to really put a HUGE MAJOR straint in my head.Both are not easy to get and on one hand i got into this job and i think i doing really very well.. on the other hand i manage to squirm myself all the way to the end in getting a scholarship for my studies.. which is to me quite a feat that i actually being able to go all the way to earn myself a scholarship.

The week almost over. I glad you message me even if its a short one. The fact that you message is enough to warm my heart. I hope you manage to get my message and hope your answer is a positive one. Until then take good care of youreslf ok?

Its the midweek.. and yet i feel like the time pass by so painstakingly slow and strangely at times i feel the time pass by so razor sharply fast.. in either way based on my description you can see that it brings me some kind of pain.. Yeah.. life momentarily as it is been an ardous one this week..

Work has been going like a yoyo.. at times busy as hell and the workload can just simmers down within a blink of an eye.. so yeahh, you never know what to expect at work. So far life been neither bad nor good to me. I don have much to complain. I taking my day one at a time. As what they say living for the moment.. what comes tomorrow, tomorrow then handle what was yesterday leave it as it is cause things has already happened no turning back..

What saddens me for this coming February is that Bryce is leaving back to Aust to resume his studies, Indera been so busy working round the clock, Jay is busy in army and weekends he has his date to concern with.. So mostly i left with the great company of none other than myself. To make matter worse, next week Feb 14 is Valentine's day and there is super high chances that this day will be an alone day for me. Not that i not used to it, by god i been having valentine day as a single boy for as long as i can remember. So if this year history repeats itself, it comes as a no suprise. Though at this time and juncture, i hoping this year it would be difference but i dare not dream just in case the bubble burst and i end up curling on my bed.. despair and broken.

I watched the first episode of Grey anatoy for season 3 and GOD HOW I LOVE the show. THe things that they teached in the show is GREAT!! I gain some perspective after watching the show.. TIME.. Time makes one move, inertia, lost, stumble, strong, broken. Be it for good or bad time is the essence.. and the last sentence on in the end everyone just need time..

I waiting for your return. Time is the essence. I don know how it going to turn out but i am waiting. So please don dissapoint me. I don know how much more damage i can take. I willing to wait so please I pray you won dissapoint me.

Today marks a monday.. The difference with this monday is that i started it off with a smile.. Apparently the Monday blues didn get me today.. :P Throughout the journey to work all i did was smiling sitting on the bike singing and smiling to the song "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce.. though the song is about the guy being ditched.. my Irreplaceable has a different meaning.. :P Thanks to you!

Its going to be a long one week wait but well, let just see how the week goes. I crossing my fingers pls don play me out.. Like Bryce say don put all your eggs in one basket.. So yeah.. i not this time but well somehow or rather the wait and all makes me able to get through the day but with a tinge of aching heart and missing feeling.. WEIRD i know.. Meanwhile i just busy myself with work and gym and those around me.. My moody mood swing kinda left me for now thanks to you!

Well, I miss going out with Jay this week.. he was busy with another really nice person.. WORK ON IT YOU GUYS!! KANBATE!! Meanwhile got to keep myself busy so that week pass by much faster.. Hurry back and hurry call me!! Waiting for you here!

This is me Cam WHoring in my ROOM with my SISTA... YEHAAAaaa~~~~!!!

Here is More of ME doing my CAM WHORING.. hahahhaa..!!!!!

Its Sunday, the day been rather draggy.. Did not do anything much other than just hanging out tremendously alot at home.. just lazing in my room, playing games.. thinking about stuff.. Had small talks with Jay and Bryce...

AND THEN........... it STruck me.. i decided to be a CAM WHORE and start taking pictures of myself not wearing SHIRT.. hahaha.. IT does LOOK PRetty it looks Wierd.. BUt HECKS... haha well.. i show you the real ME in my actual self.. no make up no thing.. my WAKE UP OF BED LOOK..

View at ur own Discretion.. MAY cause involuntary cough.. regurgitation and etc.. so VIEW at your own RISK Too..

Here they are!!!

This posting been long overdued.. haha ITs almost a year already.. these pics you about to see is those few sistas i made in my work place.. THEY are an incredible bunch of crazy fun loving and caring sistas... that have made my stay in my workplace much brighter and enjoyable.. with their company around.. :P

So here they are in no random orders *drum rolls*... Murni aka KAK M, Juliana Chesuan AKA Juli.. Juliana Hussain aka YAN, Imelda aka Mel, Mazliza AKA Liza(not in pic), Su (far in european countries, and latest addition young lady from Public Affairs division IDA...

Right at this moment i am fuming at myself for the stupidity of me.. when comes in a situation where i knew if i go for it i am sure to get it.. Let just say yesterday i had gone swimming at hougang pool... whilst waiting for my dearest bus at the bus stop came one stranger who looks quite nice.. and caught the stranger staring at me.. Cut it short i knew the stranger would like to get to know me and it was obvious and yet.. out of my stupidity and shyness.. i didnt give the stranger some form of encouragement or I myself approaching the stranger.. so all in all I gave up on a good opportunity of getting to know this stranger.. All I know is this particular stranger drops at the same bus stop as me.. and thus.. stays near me... What are the chances i actually bump into the stranger again.. SUPER RARE.... STUPID ME... DAMN IT!How Dumb can i get? the shyness got the better of me when i know i shouldnt.. DAMN!

Today is Thursday.. God knows how did I survived those last few days with bad night rest.. Late night out and well the activities that I have been engaging.. God today my body finally came down with flu.. HOWEVER, I STILL AT WORK!! ARGH! I cant help it but felt that I need to be at work cause i covering my officer. The good news is the whole wait be over soon as she is scheduled to return back to work tomorrow. That is a whole load off my mind knowing that my officer is back at work.. So at least I know I can go to someone should I need any assistance or have queries that needed to be answered... One load off my mind... :P can relax abit..

So let see yesterday I got to know two new friends andrew and *shit* forgot his name but well nice bunch sweet fella... Nice to have made new aquaintances and keeping them building new bridges of friends, connections and such.. Life has been a good slight breeze.. nothing big or unusual just good.. Been exercising like hell.. I need to tone up more.. lose all these fat.. I can tell you that fats or baby fats PARTICULARLY around the waist..... DAMN these fats.. the hardest to kill and burn.. Have to do LOADS and i MEAN LOADS of cardio to just loose a fair pinch of it.. You people out there who is thin and gym to gain muscle... GOD knows how lucky you guys are not to have any love handles... (Btw which moron calls these things love handle.. a handle yes LOVE no.. its unsightly disgusting and totally nothing loving abt it) i bet the person who came up with it has a fetish for fats or something to call something like that LOVE handle.. I call it HATE handle.. No offence to fat people out there.. Nothing against you just against love handle.. cause i have them myself and it URGH! THE MOST stubborn thing on earth to go away.. or melt away.. whichever the case.. ANYWAY they shouldnt use the proverb as stubborn as a mule.. it should be as stubborn as the love handle.. haha.. hmm.m. maybe wasnt such a good idea.. kinda not catchy enough.. almost to a point of lame.. well crapping again.. so yeah.. alright get back on track back to the mundane work...