Just like in the picture here, i at a cross road again. I cant help it but feel rather down and out today. No doubt i received the sms and all but somehow or rather something does not seems to be flowing right?

Why the avoidance whenever the question of meet up is asked? Why promised night after night to call you back later but not a single time a call is made back despite me informing that I be sleeping late or waiting for his call. Why the reply does not come in when i asked about is your weekend off still valid? Is there something I should know? I need to talk to you so that i can know what is going on? I don want to play any games and i am not interested to play any games. Just be straight direct and true thats all i asking for even if the answer is a bitter one i rather swallow a bitter pill than to just hang by the noose and not knowing whether to hang or be hanged? I am sick of uncertainty and i am tired of trying to figure the games. I either am good at it or sucks at it either way it doesnt bode me well. So please just be direct with me.. I hate being on the neither here nor there kind of place. Its very disturbing and making me going through a roller coaster..

I been meaning to blog for a while and again the procrastination bug has been biting me time and again or maybe the inspiration to write a blog just was not there hei.. you cant blame me if the deary stuff keep pouring out..

Well to my non existent readers out there.. here an update of my life.. Let see where did i last jet off.. hmm.. oh ya i met a certain someone whom known for a while but sad to say let just say things din set off as it would.. Naive is one thing that still stays with me.. STUPID ME...

Well, anyway for a start here goes.. hmm i met another certain someone who has been giving me more smiles and couple of frowns but well no ones perfect so things been well good and progressing.. I still have my skeptics and doubts but after having that much of failure who wouldnt right.. To you thanks for being in my life for the past four years more or less, Let just see how it goes and i do hope everything goes the way it should.. Up till then my fingers would be crossing...

Well.. one other exciting thing that coming up is.. TADAAH.. see the photo.. my photoshoot with Alvin or more adoringly i call him Jsangye his pyseudo name in the cyber world.. Well he does have a knack with the camera and WAH LAAA he create wonders with me.. in the photoshoot.. *GRINCH* though i do get my fair share of snaps from him.. of course his mouth hahaha.. about how my No confidence in myself is really showing in my pictures and he and my dearest Indera had to ART direct me.. ya judging my the photos you may think hei.. u look confident but haha.. on the contrary i guess i realise i don have that much so yeah something to work on.. :P

So yeah!! going for my Holiday soon not after i have to bitch to my school for informing us of my next module so late i have to most probably defer my class.. DAMN! Poor me.. they should have informed us much earlier..

Well an announcement.. i think i going to have a subsidiary BLOG yes.. cause the photos here difficult to post and i cant arrange then the way i want it.. so the more RAUNCHY blog will be in where else but the other label.. Livejournal.. where VICTOR i promise you that blog will be more scantilly dress and more pompous than this one... This blog will of course stil be running but of a more personal life and my free psychologist to free my mind of the turbulent emotional roller coasters that i go through everyday..

In my attempt to lighten up the sombre mood that my blog always carry (hei! this blog of mine suppose to be the carriers for my sadness and tragedies), i shall attempt to answer victor's question on what makes a man from his entry into his blog.. Victor if you are reading this then hahaha.. see whether you agree with me..

A man is a man when he...

does not mix his words and meant it and kept it. Words coming out from the mouth are important verbal agreement to another party. It binds someone together or to a commitment but sad to say in my journey coming to 26 years of my life, those man i met does not carry this trait..

knows when to mouth and dare to mouth the word, "I am sorry". Just when a man makes his mistakes especially life related decisions, its a true man who can apologise and acknowledge the mistake to be his and that he is sorry for it..

Confront his fears. Some men fear big things others are just a simple thing of professing his love to someone or telling people of his weakness of a certain person or object..

he is not afraid of his emotions.. there are many out there who hides his emotions for fearing he not be regarded as a man.. A man who is not afraid to show his emotions does not only shows he a man but a human who has an array of feelings and that it is perfectly alright not to be a man of steel..

In all of my life so far meeting the men be it straight, bisexual, homosexual, Asexual or watever it is, sometimes the more effeminate mens seems to be able to fulfillmore of the above criterias more than their straight counterparts... does being effiminate or gay defines him as not men or is it the straights actions or lack of its display of the above criteria makes him more a man than others? What makes a man is a question of which type you want to be? A man intuned with his innerself or a man moulded by what society and people view how man should be like? liberated or supppressed, thats what makes a man..

Today was meant to be the day where somehow there is suppose to be some silver lining amidst the bleak weather that have been shadowing my personal life but at last what that could have happen had burst into thin air..

I should have known it was a bubble meant for me to see but never touch.. Like a fool as like before it burst in my face and now i left with the emptiness again.. When am i ever going to learn?

Naive should be my middle name... my heart aches. It hurts but sigh.. another day another time sometimes why is it some people do not understand that silent is the worst form of knife to someone heart than words itself..

Have I been craving it so much that i refuse to see that i heading the same road again and again.. and that the road will lead no where but downwards.. You hurt me.. whether or not you did it on purpose or unconsciously you hurt me.. your silence slice what was suppose to be a healing..

Was i naive enough to think that what you say was true? Was i too daft to know the cursed words that always rings in my head " These are just words... its your own fault to take it truthfully" For what its worth at least i didn judge or doubt but yet that virtue that i takes seriously seems to be the pit of my downfall from grace.. i like the dancer who can never fly in the air.. the one who clumsily fall down the staircase...

Wo YAO DE XING FU

KE SHI NA KE XING FU PU SHI WO DE

NA KE XING FU PU HUI LAI

LU GUO WO HUI NA DAO I TIAN

WO QIU HE MAN ZHU LE

Well the long awaited pictures from my Bangkok trip in January with of course pictures that only show the better side of me and my lovelies Indera, Bryce and Faisal..

The FOUR bachelors on the prowl in the streets of Bangkok!!

Click on Link:

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A good friend says my blog too much heaviness in it so here the lighter side of it.. i got to be hero for a day...

Guess which one am i Lol..

Its the Annual Dinner and Dance...

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I had my virgin beach parties with two of my lovelies from work.. Idah and Yan.. As usual we started the cam whoring i mean.. we are at the beach.. so hit it up and this i personally like which is why its my main cover pic for the entry so hehehe.. enjoy the pics of course they are only link to those that are meant to be seen in its all glorified fashion and beauty..

hehe.. a tribute to GER GER YAN IDAH SAM and the OH SO SWEET COUPLE ( forgot you guys name).. Click Link Below!

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I have been out of tune with myself much nowadays.. I been very fake with my exterior lately and i do admit that i portray a differently from what i am feeling inside.. I been lying..

Deep down i been having weird out of tune feeling with myself. I rather been down lately and having one of my bouts of hollow feelings again within me. I guess i am complex person.. I feel out of tune very off with myself and not inline and as such i been rather sad and i try not to portray much about it on the exterior.

Jasmine confession about her feeling of lonliness and hollowness struck a much deeper chord with me cause for once i guess i hearing someone else saying something that normally would have come out from my own mouth.

One reason why i know why i feeling this way is beause i noticed that I have very limited people around me.. At work i have Idah, Yan and Kak M with me but if they have their engagement i noticed i left with no one but myself. Then there is Bryce who is going back to Australia, Indera who shift works makes it tough to meet and i been on more occasions clashing with him.. and Jay who going leave for overseas study soon.. The recent lashing out with him is a sign how we fought.

Life have not been a bed of roses in terms of my personal life.. I know i trying to live day to day by it and at times i do admit that i am also being an avoidance of totally avoiding whatever it is that bothers me to the fact that i know i lost quite a lot of confidence in myself. If i fancy someone gosh... i know its almost head for doom as it always happens and recently just yesterday the action that i took today seems to be more of a regrettable decision than it is of a good one. My sentiments that the action i took today is going be another slap across my face and i not sure how i going to be able to take it in.. but as usual i have to even though i know my heart would bleed alil or a lot.

As advised by Idah, here i am trying to piece words together on how i feel and trying to get it out to be able to understand. These days life been good to me family been good and all but its just that perhaps the sinking feeling of being alone is what pulls me down now because i don know.

Its sometimes funny how i see a friend who practically get chased by gazillions of people and yet nocholantly he treats them like easy come easy goes.. I am not sure if he appreciates them but sometimes i wonder how it feels to have people flocking to you without you even trying and for me all i asking for is one person who wants me and i want the person back in return.. I not asking for alot i asking for only one and somehow in my life thats a super tall order..

I not ugly but i not good looking either, i one of those whom you see roaming the street and i guess i am one of those who looks god enough to be labelled as the boy or the guy next door.. But rather then feeling like the boy next door i feel like Moses Lim from the TV series.. i am the toy that sits on the shelves and waste away.. i am that beggar sitting on the street that people walks pass and says thank god i am not him..

Sometimes i just feel that my purpose of the jinx lovelife is to let others appreciate what they have in their life and possession. I am the one whom people look and say with a sigh of relief "thank god i am not him".

So to you out there i do hope whoever you are you find me soon.. The jadedness is really growing in huge amount and in huge volume that soon it might consume me. I know i am not in depression but just that sometimes the negativity is just too huge to be ignored. Its like when you are in a room of silence and that silence get so deafening that you cannot ignore its existence.

To my non existence readers, if you are reading this you might be judging me in which i don really know what you thinking and in case you think i am suicidal or in depressions then i can safely tell you i am not..lets just say i been out of tune with myself , off keyed needs lots of tuning and lots of working to get myself together.. I left something behind in my last holiday and there fore i need to find me again somehow..

My brazen attempt at the pageant last year has brought most of it remnants back into this year still with the Asiaone face of the year competition from the monthly winners of last year.

By some miraculous title i am Face of the Month for October 2007 and i by some means known as Mr October. It still give me a weird ringing tone to it. I somehow become nameless and got associated with the associated month.. :P

Well for my non existent readers you can check me out at www.asiaone.com at the bottom of the page there is a small click onlink for face of the year and there you will see my competitors. I wont win thats for sure but hecks! its my obligation to continue with the end year pageant. Dutifully fulfilling my duties as Mr. October.