I have been out of tune with myself much nowadays.. I been very fake with my exterior lately and i do admit that i portray a differently from what i am feeling inside.. I been lying..

Deep down i been having weird out of tune feeling with myself. I rather been down lately and having one of my bouts of hollow feelings again within me. I guess i am complex person.. I feel out of tune very off with myself and not inline and as such i been rather sad and i try not to portray much about it on the exterior.

Jasmine confession about her feeling of lonliness and hollowness struck a much deeper chord with me cause for once i guess i hearing someone else saying something that normally would have come out from my own mouth.

One reason why i know why i feeling this way is beause i noticed that I have very limited people around me.. At work i have Idah, Yan and Kak M with me but if they have their engagement i noticed i left with no one but myself. Then there is Bryce who is going back to Australia, Indera who shift works makes it tough to meet and i been on more occasions clashing with him.. and Jay who going leave for overseas study soon.. The recent lashing out with him is a sign how we fought.

Life have not been a bed of roses in terms of my personal life.. I know i trying to live day to day by it and at times i do admit that i am also being an avoidance of totally avoiding whatever it is that bothers me to the fact that i know i lost quite a lot of confidence in myself. If i fancy someone gosh... i know its almost head for doom as it always happens and recently just yesterday the action that i took today seems to be more of a regrettable decision than it is of a good one. My sentiments that the action i took today is going be another slap across my face and i not sure how i going to be able to take it in.. but as usual i have to even though i know my heart would bleed alil or a lot.

As advised by Idah, here i am trying to piece words together on how i feel and trying to get it out to be able to understand. These days life been good to me family been good and all but its just that perhaps the sinking feeling of being alone is what pulls me down now because i don know.

Its sometimes funny how i see a friend who practically get chased by gazillions of people and yet nocholantly he treats them like easy come easy goes.. I am not sure if he appreciates them but sometimes i wonder how it feels to have people flocking to you without you even trying and for me all i asking for is one person who wants me and i want the person back in return.. I not asking for alot i asking for only one and somehow in my life thats a super tall order..

I not ugly but i not good looking either, i one of those whom you see roaming the street and i guess i am one of those who looks god enough to be labelled as the boy or the guy next door.. But rather then feeling like the boy next door i feel like Moses Lim from the TV series.. i am the toy that sits on the shelves and waste away.. i am that beggar sitting on the street that people walks pass and says thank god i am not him..

Sometimes i just feel that my purpose of the jinx lovelife is to let others appreciate what they have in their life and possession. I am the one whom people look and say with a sigh of relief "thank god i am not him".

So to you out there i do hope whoever you are you find me soon.. The jadedness is really growing in huge amount and in huge volume that soon it might consume me. I know i am not in depression but just that sometimes the negativity is just too huge to be ignored. Its like when you are in a room of silence and that silence get so deafening that you cannot ignore its existence.

To my non existence readers, if you are reading this you might be judging me in which i don really know what you thinking and in case you think i am suicidal or in depressions then i can safely tell you i am not..lets just say i been out of tune with myself , off keyed needs lots of tuning and lots of working to get myself together.. I left something behind in my last holiday and there fore i need to find me again somehow..