This is one of those friday where i stone more than i work. Simply because there wasnt much work to do. I cleared them way early in the morning.. Preparation all set and done.. so basically its just stoning and filing.

The day is dreadful enough and staring at papers that needed to be file makes the whole event even more significantly boring to a point that i actually doze off more than 8 times at my desk.. yes that is HOW boring it is today.. The time crept so slow that i swear it actually stop moving once in a while..

Let see other than the fact that Victor, Ridz and Peter is accompanying me online.. it was a blessing at least they make the day passes by and makes it more bearable.

See even doing this entry for my blog i have a problem of thinking what to say or add in. I actually lost for words for once the last two weeks have been a quiet time for me here in my directorate. There finally a time for us to breathe but now and then there are urgent matters tat comes our way but other than that its just a coming to work doing watever loose ends there is and thats about it..

I have to attend the SAF day this sunday representing my workplace.. got arrowed also to sing in some choir for National day.. what luck..

Cant attend my poly gathering today.. cant attend my new groupies of friends for fun tomorrow.. impt stuff need to be look into on sat cause sunday is dedicated to the SAF day parade.. DAMN DAMN...

Is this entry long enough.. think it is lah lazy to think.. Brain cells dying.. DAMN...

Music Video:

UMBRELLA (by Rihanna)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

Gosh Fell in love with this song thanks to dear Indera... so here.. wanted to put the lyrics down but well u guys might as well enjoy the song here instead hehee... Click on the link at the side to get the lyrics if u want.

I was reading my past entries in my friendster blog before my switch to this current one that i am using. I was suprised at what i had written. At that point of time, i find reading it kind of soothes me a little because it dawns upon me how i have grown at that point of time. I got to admit amist the bitterness anger and angst, there was words in the entry that shows that i have grown and that i learnt something albeit being the hard way.



Upon reading after reading i realise that most of the times i learnt things the hard way. I had it mostly slap to my face hard and then the recovery is left up to me to treat it in whichever way i learnt. It seems amist having my lady luck shining on me with a great family and friends and a good job that comes with it, personal life lessons are learnt each time the hard way. The kind that leaves me stunned shocked and torn apart. Reading those entries sometimes i wonder however did i manage to actually bounce back and pick up and to carry my face high and move on.



Many of the people around me thinks i having a good time in my life. I got to admit if you look at my life putting away my personal life, everything has been nothing but smooth sailing and great. My career is somewhat moving, I improving myself getting the degree, my family doing great and always there to support me, Having friends around me.



But no one see the sadness behind my eyes. No one notice the bleeding heart. No one understood the empty body that yearns for someone whose hand would fit into mine. Whose arms would be for me. No one notices the confusion in my head. I am so lost when personal life is concern. It seems following my heart, my mind, my logical, my instinct always lead to an undesirable outcome. It seems really really frustrating for me. You have no idea how angry i am sometimes. I just don know how to go about it anymore. Everything i do brings a repercussion that just.... isnt wat i was expecting. Why? Sometimes i wonder what have i done to deserve this? Why is it the one thing that everyone can have i cant? Why is it that i always feel like a freak when personal life is in question? Why am i not always the type that one would like?

Being nice to someone i fancy becomes too nice that the person only wants me to be their friends only because i so nice, afraid of losing a friend. Being apprehensive to the person drives them away. Loving a person truly leaves me on the lurch through a silent break. I too good for them. Like SERIOUSLY how else do you think i should do? What else can i do? How else do you want me to do this? What is then the right way? Why is it when i give up someone comes along and when i give hope the hope comes dashing down? I feel like it some sick joke that life just loves to play on me.. Why? Why? Why give me hope when i lost it and why take it away from me when i embrace it? Is it a curse for being who i am? Why?

Music Video:TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE (by JoJo)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

This is one of my favourite songs for now. Too Little too Late. Sometimes certain things once its too late no matter how short is it.. you just cant turn back to it. Like the chorus of the lyrics says...

And you knowIt's just too little too lateA little too wrongAnd I can't wait Boy you know all the right things to say (You know it's just too little too late)You say you dream of my face But you don't like meYou just like the chase To be real, it doesn't matter anyway (You know it's just too little too late)

There been many a times that i seen things happening here in Singapore that i do have to say is such an irony. Sometimes it become so starking obvious that the actions that was taken or decided on is the exact opposite of what was preached or told.

On a personal note, from experiences that i been told or first hand seen with my own eyes how on the Media was portraying about the homosexual issues and that the government is no longer on the anti homosexual and etc and yet there are times where i see a homosexual being subjected to scrutiny not because of his/her merits but because of her sexuality. I can just understand the insult and the humiliation he/she had to go through with these kind of treatment. In other words no matter how good he/she is, she is forever subjected and judged on his/her sexuality. Such an irony. Look at the media and its frenzy feedback from the general public. Honestly speaking, to the lady(forget her name) and whoever is against the homosexuals citing them as gallivants, pest of society, ill depraving sex manic depression problematic people, telling how the lifestyle of social ills and associatin with aids and HIV. Seriously, it is sad to see these people are highly educated and at times are even in respectable professions and positions and yet they have such a sheltered shallow perspective of life. Seriously, does being homosexual means one is incapable of executing their jobs well, that they are blinded and thus are unable to perform the task at hand? it is funny how the ills of the homosexual are highlighted in public and yet things like the high divorce rate are not mentioned and the heterosexuals, the ills of having extra marital affairs, the frequent meet with social escorts or prostitutes locally or overseas say Batam and etc are not considered the social ills of the society. These actions by these people are considered normal and not a social problem or even the personal problems. So to these people open your eyes big. One of the main socialproblems the heterosexuals are facing maybe residing in your own life or doors. to them i say GET A LIFE and start growing up. Just by being heterosexual that doesnt make u first class human being.. or better than others.

Irony is the word that is practice here. Basically like in Ovidia Yu's play in the Battles of the playrights, the black crows are let out once in a while or a few are let out so that the world have an impression that they are pro homosexuals and that what i can friendly towards the alternative people and yet day in day out you see or hear how the homosexuals are subjected to many discrimination and etc.

The Alfian Saat in todays paper the reason on his merits or his academics are the reason for him not being able to teach (hear this) PART TIME Teacher.. not even full time is a BIG LAUGH OFF! Seriously that kind of reason works on toddlers, who they trying to kid. It is a huge starking obvious reason why he wasnt allowed to be a part time teacher despite bagging awards for his theater plays and all not to mentioned a Raffles student whom bagged many As.The irony of it all. It is no wonder all the wonders of intelligent brains left Singapore to go overseas.

To begin with whoever i want to be its my life and its what up to me why i want to live it. Who are you to judge how i live my life. IF you think your life is perfect then by all means go live yours don dictate others. If my work and my capabilities is good what has my life got to do with it? Who are you to be the judge?what makes u think you are qualified to judge when your own life is not perfect. So to you out there whoever you are.. two words for you BUZZ OFF!

Well I am very TIRED. the word stressed here is emphasising on how tired i truly am... but this tiredness is the kind that brings a smile to my face and a light heartedness to my spirit because i finally did it... Not sex if that is what you thinking.. i finally join a competition and even though i didn win anything just consolation.. I FEEL really good about myself. will be sending out thank you notes to all the lovely people from Carrie Models International and Academy, the People from FuSe, all the contestants involve.. its was fun and exciting to be doing Men2007 in men style transformation.. Playing around goofing around with all the clothes and hairdo and visitations picture taking.. hehehe.. I didn win if that what u want to know but i think i win big time gaining some portion of myself back. a good feeling and that i accomplished something in my life.. Been there gone there done that. That kind of feeling.. it feels great for a moment i sort of had a nice purpose and great feeling.. well life now carries on i feel a better me has emerge stronger me. found pieces of myself that i have lost. Mostly of course the gaining of that self confidence thing, you know the kind when one is young and feels invincible and that the world is at my feet.. i can do anything i want.. acheive anything i set my mind to :P

Thanks Cale, Christina, Colin, Deanna, Elaine and all those involve that I have missed out.. You guys gave me something i lost for a while.. its a good feeling finding it back. :P

Every day in and out i never knew that hatred could be so deep in someone. In my entire life i have never hated someone as much as i hate the woman that lives next door to me. I never seen anyone has evil and has full of hatred its practically living in her day in day out.

The funny thing about this lady she is supposedly pious wearing the scarf cover her head and all but yet her being itself is so dirty. She talks bad she slams the door at my family for no apparent reason. there is so much hatred in this woman for all the wrong reasons. All she wanna do is find trouble. She fought with practically all the malays in my block. and she supposedly holy. All i can say to u lady HOLY MY ASSS.... even i go religious school she wears that for fashion sake but for the real holy reason of wearing it. SHE AINT FILLING ANY CRITERIAS AT ALL.i amazed at how her family especially her henpecked husband stood up for her. Even though sometimes it happens so obvious she just slams the door to irk others so that she can find fault and starts shooting all sorts of vulgarities to people.

Her son whom i thought is a good person or at least better than her is no better. Blind by her own mom fault spouts the exact same nonsense of vulgarities at people. well he came from her so go figure. the funny thing is even when her mom does it in front of their eyes they still find its my family that irks them and etc. which to me is so weird. HOW BLIND CAN U GET. well if need to see how BLINDNESS AND HATRED LIVES AND BREATHES come on down to my block and live and see.. Mom video tapes whats happening outside and have too many a times proof of how much they try to agitate people. The damn woman. and family to boot. Her daughter in law is the only one who knows and is on our side to be exact just that well being an outsider despiter daughter in law she cant do much. but then again also who can we trust that family is one cock up family wiht loads of baggages of hatred and cant see people better than them. Basically that woman next door is one who likes to show off.. cant stand if ppl are better than her. Have nothing to do other than to find faults and scold vulgarities. ONE DAY i pray that same door that she slam on others is one day going to slam back into her face and twist that same mouth that spouts lots of vulgarities at people.

If i were to get her a present its the rules of wat it truly means to wear a tudung. ITs embarrassing for someone like her to wear tudung at the age where she is and yet have no idea about the true meaning of wearing tudung. So don come telling me about religion or preach about it if you don even practice or fill any of the criteria. SO just BUZZ OFF..

Life has its ways to weave many things into our lives. Both the unpleasantries as well as the sweet deals. Either way its either build us up or bring us down. Nonetheless both are a part of our lives where live in itself has its own secrets of making us more appreciative of being alive and having whoever that crosses our path in life.



Many a times during from my last posting that i have encountered many a downturn and many an upturn. One of my new upturns are meeting these three ladies whom getting more more important in my life and i don know how much they know how appreciative i am that now they are in my life. Idah Kak M and Yan. After knowing so much about me, rather than shunning me away or acting somewhat weird they become even closer and are fine with me infact to a point where they get even closer. I can be who i am and just as i am with them. No acting needed. They have no idea how much that brings me to ease.

Life is already tough enough for me these few years. Only few knew the insults the kind of trash i had to go through so many things and people brought me down. Yet here i am still standing and stil hoping that one day someday someone will give me a break. A break so so badly needed sometimes.

For now, I still surviving on my own. I always try to remember what mom says always remember for every suffering u feel there are always someone out there who suffering even worse than you. The strength i need seems to stem always from my mom patience and resilience. Thanks mom Love you lots.