I was reading my past entries in my friendster blog before my switch to this current one that i am using. I was suprised at what i had written. At that point of time, i find reading it kind of soothes me a little because it dawns upon me how i have grown at that point of time. I got to admit amist the bitterness anger and angst, there was words in the entry that shows that i have grown and that i learnt something albeit being the hard way.



Upon reading after reading i realise that most of the times i learnt things the hard way. I had it mostly slap to my face hard and then the recovery is left up to me to treat it in whichever way i learnt. It seems amist having my lady luck shining on me with a great family and friends and a good job that comes with it, personal life lessons are learnt each time the hard way. The kind that leaves me stunned shocked and torn apart. Reading those entries sometimes i wonder however did i manage to actually bounce back and pick up and to carry my face high and move on.



Many of the people around me thinks i having a good time in my life. I got to admit if you look at my life putting away my personal life, everything has been nothing but smooth sailing and great. My career is somewhat moving, I improving myself getting the degree, my family doing great and always there to support me, Having friends around me.



But no one see the sadness behind my eyes. No one notice the bleeding heart. No one understood the empty body that yearns for someone whose hand would fit into mine. Whose arms would be for me. No one notices the confusion in my head. I am so lost when personal life is concern. It seems following my heart, my mind, my logical, my instinct always lead to an undesirable outcome. It seems really really frustrating for me. You have no idea how angry i am sometimes. I just don know how to go about it anymore. Everything i do brings a repercussion that just.... isnt wat i was expecting. Why? Sometimes i wonder what have i done to deserve this? Why is it the one thing that everyone can have i cant? Why is it that i always feel like a freak when personal life is in question? Why am i not always the type that one would like?

Being nice to someone i fancy becomes too nice that the person only wants me to be their friends only because i so nice, afraid of losing a friend. Being apprehensive to the person drives them away. Loving a person truly leaves me on the lurch through a silent break. I too good for them. Like SERIOUSLY how else do you think i should do? What else can i do? How else do you want me to do this? What is then the right way? Why is it when i give up someone comes along and when i give hope the hope comes dashing down? I feel like it some sick joke that life just loves to play on me.. Why? Why? Why give me hope when i lost it and why take it away from me when i embrace it? Is it a curse for being who i am? Why?