FrOzEn SaNcTuArY

2009-10-11T22:49:00.002+08:00

It was a last minute decision, something i would say more out of the moment decision that i decided to watch the show with Benjamin.. Not really knowing the synopsis of the show except for the fact its about a boy meet girl, boy fall in love, girl not on same agenda and blah blah blah..

Well it turned out that the show had more depth to it and more reflection than i thought.. The show did well in making one think and making one able to connect with the characters in the show.. the definition of love, the idealism behind the one and fate and the idea of you know it when it happens to you..

What the show din tell you is this " What happens when IT happens to you but then the IT does not happen to the other person, then what?" The show informs of the hard sordid truth that everything mostly is a conincidence, something that happens at the right or wrong time to you, he loves her but she not looking for a boyfriend but in the end became someone's wife, as bitter as the truth was she did say something honestly " I found it in him something which i couldnt find in you". Its a hard piece of truth but that truth is the best medication for him because by knowing the truth that he isnt her IT could he then finally move on and goes on again.. She however stole something from him the idealism of something positive but however gave him the tenacity and the will to carry on living and becoming stronger and taking things with a pinch of salt..

I hate the idea that the show makes me remember my last IT and how it tore me apart and took me a while to piece myself together and in many sense, that me is piece together but never really am complete anymore nor is it ever the same, in a way i lose some and i gain some.

IT decided to end what we were having at the stroke of midnight to 2009. Decision made a while back and i guess i failed to make IT change his mind.. three months of sadness that overwhelm me and that each day a storm always hangs over my head. My smile was forced and the sadness was hidden behind a face that void of expression.

Days become deary and literally sometimes you pig out hoping the food digest it away or listen to music, getting in bed and stayin in bed.. basically do everything you can do make it go away.. or make it stay either way it not healthy.. It took three month mourning, two months in the States and one two more months of stablising myself that i decided to open up and move on and get to know people out there not to find a replacement but just to start living again and hopefully if IT happens again may it be mutual...

I stop hoping much for it lest i be dissapointed again and falls back on the ground..though deep in my heart i do want to sleep at night in the arms of someone i can call my own, waking up to see IT still sleeping and breathing looking all serene or waking up seeing IT lking at me and feeling belong.. Having something to look forward to after the end of a hard day of work, a meal or something along that line...

Its the companion that miss most, the known idea that you can snuggle into the person arms or have your arms around the person, talking nonsense being that crazy you and all knowing that even after despite knowing you the person still loves you for who you are..

I guess in us, humans the most important thing that makes us human is attachment. it is with attachments that one opens up to loving someone and making sacrifices and being just..happy.
Contentment pours in when the attachment is there, when you grown to love the work you do or the job you are in the attachment makes you stay and be productive, when you start loving the people around you, the attachment makes you keep them in your mind, heart and communicate always, keeping them close..

I never knew if the IT will happen to me again.. and if it does happen will my IT be the same feeling that feel with the last IT, will i know that this is IT or will i doubt it and wonders about it, scare to embrace it remembering how it tore me apart or that i will embrace the IT knowing that the last failed one has made me more resilient to find what is ultimately my own happiness and that of finding the right coincidence that is rightfully mine?

2009-10-11T22:45:00.001+08:00

There is a saying there you never know how much something or someone means to you until you lost it or it has gone away...

I guess it is true although as much the fact that i always cherish you being around it feels empty now that you have gone away not forever but for a while away.. and with your absence i guess i have to be more independent and work my way around the time of your absence.. My confidante..Well i do good and i do well...

2009-10-11T22:35:00.003+08:00

There is a sudden big change that has occured in my life... Some good some bad.. here a short take of what is the good thing that has happen...

I did my graduation at Ritz Carlton Hotel in Singapore.. Initially i did not have any intention of doing it but well for my parents i decided to go for it and i am glad i did it because what my mom expressed to me was something that i felt more accomplished then actuallly finishing the degree. Mom says she felt that she could finally feel so relieve that all the years of her hard work and prayers have finally came and that she finally see one of her children going up there in the robe she had always wish she get to see.. That is enough for me.. At least i did my parents proud..

2008-09-03T09:46:00.002+08:00

I have been affected lately by of many recent events lately in my life. Someone whom i fell for had decided to not continue what was i guess the dating scene. I know i shouldnt be affected by it but sometimes at some point of time it really gets to me..

I notice the change in behavior for quite a while eversince the day he left my house.The behavior then soon relates to many miscommunications and many exasperation on both ends. You end or starts the arguments always over the sms through the phone. At many a times i wonder why we cant talk face to face.. It is sad that again i have failed yet in another attempt at a relationship. It burns and hurt alot and i trying to deal with the situation. The last few strings of messages really were filled with more hurt anger and cynism that i never thought would come my way. Afterall all this while i always been tolerating, swallowing and never once blew my top or reveal my upmost displeasure to you..

I gave what i got and my questions to you on are we dating ( you never seems to be able to admit to that) and questions like Are you dating anyone else( you wanted an open dating relationship) peeves you off in which i do not understand why does that peeves you. You call me insecurity and etc.. when all i wanted was just firstly i do not want to assume things that only one side had agreed on.. and the second questions was a legitimate question to ask since that was you who wanted an open relationship. Wanting to know from you and understand you seems to peeve you off..

Whatever it is it hurts when you brush me off so easily.. i gave all that i got and this is the brunt that i received. I saw in your profile that you seeing someone special.. i know its bad to think of it but somehow i felt you had a change of heart and i guess found someone else. You moved on i guess that good, i still trying but seeing the word " Seeing someone special" stings because throughout the time we are dating your status was "single" and now when i see that new change in your profile it disheartening to know that that someone special never did or never was me in the first place..

I wish you all the happiness in the world Riyan.. for whoever it is you choose that accompany and walk with you in life.. " To love someone is to set someone free and see him happy" i really did like you alot and i know i could have love you unconditionally but i guess that not enough for you..

2008-04-01T10:27:00.003+08:00

There is at some point of time in a person life where he felt he defeated. I feel like that now. Someone always been telling me to live each day as if its my last and that tomorrow never comes. I never fully grasp the idea of it but somehow i been doing it to the best of my capability.

Somehow or rather i feel like if it is my last then i live with quite a number of regrets. I been forwarding, accomodating and really listening to things but why rather then it working out i feel like i get slap back? Why is it so difficult?

"Y"

I cover your ass when you got into trouble. I save your skin. I came down to accompany you for your breaks as and when i can. I try to accomodate my timing to you. I ask you in advance and it was you who mentioned you want to go out, meet up and take it from there. A day where you overslept and didn meet up when i arrange to meet u near your place you tell me no need too late for you. You hardly or don reply to my sms on things i ask or sent to you. You don have time to meet me but have time for everything else. Your reply that you going to reply to me by end of the week, the end of the week never came..

*X*

I know and understand of your predicament of your work and all.You move around alot and i totally fine with it. Your efforts in your sms and calls have always been appreciated and treasured alot but your hot and cold treatment sometimes leave me baffled. I not someone who keeps asking for anything and i not the sort that rakes up the past. Sometimes my questions such as you sent the email? or when your next off day becomes a wrong question and like it seems i raking up things in which I am just asking? I been noticing that the answers from ok, to ok (see how), to maybe and recently i got was can we don talk about this? A wrong word spoken in which means nothing like "my dear" just a term and i got a snap remark from you. I always happy talking to you. I don have any expectations from you.

Basically "X" "Y", I feel that on one hand you like my company and can click but you just want it either from afar or just via the phone. Any work any kind of work will sure leave you with time, you all seems to have time for everything but even for a meal or a drink with me where i told you i accomodate to your time and even venue have always been turned down. Its not about you not having time i feel, its about you do not feel i am worth your time. As time passes i beginning to feel it more and more. If you do have some secrets that leaves this action you taking I hope you can tell me. I still love and adores your company be it by phone or just sms and chat.

But as i say i think i going to be just a simpleton and stop asking you and for meet up and etc. I shall refrain myself from asking and hope that you can one day find time to meet me.. meanwhile i just bask and enjoy in your company minus the actual seeing you in person.;

2008-03-03T09:50:00.002+08:00

Its the monday and "X" is off again today. The thing is eversince that one day on Thursday. Everything seems to be spiralling down. I come to the point that i stop caring anymore. If "X" message then good for me and if "X" does not then doesnt matter any more.

"X" mentioned missed talking to me but yet its been like almost 2 weeks whenever the sentence comes as " Call you later" " I go shower first" " will call back" it has come to a point where i realise this are words that literally spell out i won call. I not sure if "x" sees that but then again i maybe just a friend whoom "x" is comfortable talking to. Anyway i tired of playing games already. There is already so much i can take so yeah..

whatever lah.. I am not a toy where u feel like calling you call you feel like msging u msg. maybe i do get pushed and taken advantage of.. Stupid me..

2008-02-28T09:50:00.002+08:00

Just like in the picture here, i at a cross road again. I cant help it but feel rather down and out today. No doubt i received the sms and all but somehow or rather something does not seems to be flowing right?

Why the avoidance whenever the question of meet up is asked? Why promised night after night to call you back later but not a single time a call is made back despite me informing that I be sleeping late or waiting for his call. Why the reply does not come in when i asked about is your weekend off still valid? Is there something I should know? I need to talk to you so that i can know what is going on? I don want to play any games and i am not interested to play any games. Just be straight direct and true thats all i asking for even if the answer is a bitter one i rather swallow a bitter pill than to just hang by the noose and not knowing whether to hang or be hanged? I am sick of uncertainty and i am tired of trying to figure the games. I either am good at it or sucks at it either way it doesnt bode me well. So please just be direct with me.. I hate being on the neither here nor there kind of place. Its very disturbing and making me going through a roller coaster..

2008-02-19T09:42:00.003+08:00

I been meaning to blog for a while and again the procrastination bug has been biting me time and again or maybe the inspiration to write a blog just was not there hei.. you cant blame me if the deary stuff keep pouring out..

Well to my non existent readers out there.. here an update of my life.. Let see where did i last jet off.. hmm.. oh ya i met a certain someone whom known for a while but sad to say let just say things din set off as it would.. Naive is one thing that still stays with me.. STUPID ME...

Well, anyway for a start here goes.. hmm i met another certain someone who has been giving me more smiles and couple of frowns but well no ones perfect so things been well good and progressing.. I still have my skeptics and doubts but after having that much of failure who wouldnt right.. To you thanks for being in my life for the past four years more or less, Let just see how it goes and i do hope everything goes the way it should.. Up till then my fingers would be crossing...

Well.. one other exciting thing that coming up is.. TADAAH.. see the photo.. my photoshoot with Alvin or more adoringly i call him Jsangye his pyseudo name in the cyber world.. Well he does have a knack with the camera and WAH LAAA he create wonders with me.. in the photoshoot.. *GRINCH* though i do get my fair share of snaps from him.. of course his mouth hahaha.. about how my No confidence in myself is really showing in my pictures and he and my dearest Indera had to ART direct me.. ya judging my the photos you may think hei.. u look confident but haha.. on the contrary i guess i realise i don have that much so yeah something to work on.. :P

So yeah!! going for my Holiday soon not after i have to bitch to my school for informing us of my next module so late i have to most probably defer my class.. DAMN! Poor me.. they should have informed us much earlier..

Well an announcement.. i think i going to have a subsidiary BLOG yes.. cause the photos here difficult to post and i cant arrange then the way i want it.. so the more RAUNCHY blog will be in where else but the other label.. Livejournal.. where VICTOR i promise you that blog will be more scantilly dress and more pompous than this one... This blog will of course stil be running but of a more personal life and my free psychologist to free my mind of the turbulent emotional roller coasters that i go through everyday..

2008-02-14T12:53:00.002+08:00

In my attempt to lighten up the sombre mood that my blog always carry (hei! this blog of mine suppose to be the carriers for my sadness and tragedies), i shall attempt to answer victor's question on what makes a man from his entry into his blog.. Victor if you are reading this then hahaha.. see whether you agree with me..

A man is a man when he...

does not mix his words and meant it and kept it. Words coming out from the mouth are important verbal agreement to another party. It binds someone together or to a commitment but sad to say in my journey coming to 26 years of my life, those man i met does not carry this trait..

knows when to mouth and dare to mouth the word, "I am sorry". Just when a man makes his mistakes especially life related decisions, its a true man who can apologise and acknowledge the mistake to be his and that he is sorry for it..

Confront his fears. Some men fear big things others are just a simple thing of professing his love to someone or telling people of his weakness of a certain person or object..

he is not afraid of his emotions.. there are many out there who hides his emotions for fearing he not be regarded as a man.. A man who is not afraid to show his emotions does not only shows he a man but a human who has an array of feelings and that it is perfectly alright not to be a man of steel..

In all of my life so far meeting the men be it straight, bisexual, homosexual, Asexual or watever it is, sometimes the more effeminate mens seems to be able to fulfillmore of the above criterias more than their straight counterparts... does being effiminate or gay defines him as not men or is it the straights actions or lack of its display of the above criteria makes him more a man than others? What makes a man is a question of which type you want to be? A man intuned with his innerself or a man moulded by what society and people view how man should be like? liberated or supppressed, thats what makes a man..

2008-02-12T00:58:00.000+08:00

Today was meant to be the day where somehow there is suppose to be some silver lining amidst the bleak weather that have been shadowing my personal life but at last what that could have happen had burst into thin air..

I should have known it was a bubble meant for me to see but never touch.. Like a fool as like before it burst in my face and now i left with the emptiness again.. When am i ever going to learn?

Naive should be my middle name... my heart aches. It hurts but sigh.. another day another time sometimes why is it some people do not understand that silent is the worst form of knife to someone heart than words itself..

Have I been craving it so much that i refuse to see that i heading the same road again and again.. and that the road will lead no where but downwards.. You hurt me.. whether or not you did it on purpose or unconsciously you hurt me.. your silence slice what was suppose to be a healing..

Was i naive enough to think that what you say was true? Was i too daft to know the cursed words that always rings in my head " These are just words... its your own fault to take it truthfully" For what its worth at least i didn judge or doubt but yet that virtue that i takes seriously seems to be the pit of my downfall from grace.. i like the dancer who can never fly in the air.. the one who clumsily fall down the staircase...

Wo YAO DE XING FU

KE SHI NA KE XING FU PU SHI WO DE

NA KE XING FU PU HUI LAI

LU GUO WO HUI NA DAO I TIAN

WO QIU HE MAN ZHU LE

2008-02-11T14:01:00.000+08:00

Well the long awaited pictures from my Bangkok trip in January with of course pictures that only show the better side of me and my lovelies Indera, Bryce and Faisal..

The FOUR bachelors on the prowl in the streets of Bangkok!!

Click on Link:

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AYsWTZm3bNmLCeg&notag=1

2008-02-11T12:24:00.000+08:00

A good friend says my blog too much heaviness in it so here the lighter side of it.. i got to be hero for a day...

Guess which one am i Lol..

Its the Annual Dinner and Dance...

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AYsWTZm3bNmLCPg&notag=1

2008-02-11T12:13:00.000+08:00

I had my virgin beach parties with two of my lovelies from work.. Idah and Yan.. As usual we started the cam whoring i mean.. we are at the beach.. so hit it up and this i personally like which is why its my main cover pic for the entry so hehehe.. enjoy the pics of course they are only link to those that are meant to be seen in its all glorified fashion and beauty..

hehe.. a tribute to GER GER YAN IDAH SAM and the OH SO SWEET COUPLE ( forgot you guys name).. Click Link Below!

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AYsWTZm3bNmLCHA&notag=1

2008-02-05T20:41:00.000+08:00

I have been out of tune with myself much nowadays.. I been very fake with my exterior lately and i do admit that i portray a differently from what i am feeling inside.. I been lying..

Deep down i been having weird out of tune feeling with myself. I rather been down lately and having one of my bouts of hollow feelings again within me. I guess i am complex person.. I feel out of tune very off with myself and not inline and as such i been rather sad and i try not to portray much about it on the exterior.

Jasmine confession about her feeling of lonliness and hollowness struck a much deeper chord with me cause for once i guess i hearing someone else saying something that normally would have come out from my own mouth.

One reason why i know why i feeling this way is beause i noticed that I have very limited people around me.. At work i have Idah, Yan and Kak M with me but if they have their engagement i noticed i left with no one but myself. Then there is Bryce who is going back to Australia, Indera who shift works makes it tough to meet and i been on more occasions clashing with him.. and Jay who going leave for overseas study soon.. The recent lashing out with him is a sign how we fought.

Life have not been a bed of roses in terms of my personal life.. I know i trying to live day to day by it and at times i do admit that i am also being an avoidance of totally avoiding whatever it is that bothers me to the fact that i know i lost quite a lot of confidence in myself. If i fancy someone gosh... i know its almost head for doom as it always happens and recently just yesterday the action that i took today seems to be more of a regrettable decision than it is of a good one. My sentiments that the action i took today is going be another slap across my face and i not sure how i going to be able to take it in.. but as usual i have to even though i know my heart would bleed alil or a lot.

As advised by Idah, here i am trying to piece words together on how i feel and trying to get it out to be able to understand. These days life been good to me family been good and all but its just that perhaps the sinking feeling of being alone is what pulls me down now because i don know.

Its sometimes funny how i see a friend who practically get chased by gazillions of people and yet nocholantly he treats them like easy come easy goes.. I am not sure if he appreciates them but sometimes i wonder how it feels to have people flocking to you without you even trying and for me all i asking for is one person who wants me and i want the person back in return.. I not asking for alot i asking for only one and somehow in my life thats a super tall order..

I not ugly but i not good looking either, i one of those whom you see roaming the street and i guess i am one of those who looks god enough to be labelled as the boy or the guy next door.. But rather then feeling like the boy next door i feel like Moses Lim from the TV series.. i am the toy that sits on the shelves and waste away.. i am that beggar sitting on the street that people walks pass and says thank god i am not him..

Sometimes i just feel that my purpose of the jinx lovelife is to let others appreciate what they have in their life and possession. I am the one whom people look and say with a sigh of relief "thank god i am not him".

So to you out there i do hope whoever you are you find me soon.. The jadedness is really growing in huge amount and in huge volume that soon it might consume me. I know i am not in depression but just that sometimes the negativity is just too huge to be ignored. Its like when you are in a room of silence and that silence get so deafening that you cannot ignore its existence.

To my non existence readers, if you are reading this you might be judging me in which i don really know what you thinking and in case you think i am suicidal or in depressions then i can safely tell you i am not..lets just say i been out of tune with myself , off keyed needs lots of tuning and lots of working to get myself together.. I left something behind in my last holiday and there fore i need to find me again somehow..

2008-02-01T14:43:00.000+08:00

My brazen attempt at the pageant last year has brought most of it remnants back into this year still with the Asiaone face of the year competition from the monthly winners of last year.

By some miraculous title i am Face of the Month for October 2007 and i by some means known as Mr October. It still give me a weird ringing tone to it. I somehow become nameless and got associated with the associated month.. :P

Well for my non existent readers you can check me out at www.asiaone.com at the bottom of the page there is a small click onlink for face of the year and there you will see my competitors. I wont win thats for sure but hecks! its my obligation to continue with the end year pageant. Dutifully fulfilling my duties as Mr. October.

2008-01-22T11:02:00.000+08:00

It been a while since i last posted and yeah i got to admit i been busy working and schooling that i was totally drained both emotionally and physically that i was beginning to drag each day that comes and i got more tired that i was before..

Well, today i am back at work feeling much more refreshed. I went bangkok for 4days3nights. The holiday and short getaway makes gets me revitalised, more energy and felt better i guess.I gained quite a fair bit from the experience. It was my virgin trip to the land of the elephants.

The details of the trip will be conveyed in my next post once my photos come in.. I gained lots more than i thought i get from my experience in bangkok.. It was a trip different from all my trips overseas... This trip was really my trip my move my exprience.. its was my trip..

It been a liberated trip for me. I actually get to be me. Wholy me and totally me. It felt good to be me and for once i felt i was ok being me. There was nothing wrong being me there. For once i felt good about myself, i could tell myself i was alright as me. I was great as a me. I had the confident to walk down the street. I made people look at me again. Head turn and i was good..

You read this and you think gosh this guy is so into himself but sometimes don you want for once to be able to make head turns for the good reasons. To feel that you are good and that you are alright, Judgements about you were positive and its like self medicine for yourself.

For right or wrong, i am me and i was comfortable sitting in my own skin. I met people i see people i mix around with people. People taken to me because i am me. That was nice for a change.

Now i penning this down because it felt dreamlike somehow. It was hard as i was leaving the airport. I saw myself standing behind the glass door as i was leaving for the plane. I could almost see me waving to myself as i left the airport through the glass door. I had to leave me behind in bangkok as i left.I actually turn around and look at myself waving as i left. That was me there.. In returning back to Singapore for my family and friends, i had to leave me there. It was something i had to do. i had to only bring back me that was acceptable here in Singapore.. As i sat on the plane i remembered the video clip by stephanie Sun, Wo De Ai.. that was me leaving me.. temporary love affair with myself.. and i remembered a scene from the Asian Boys Volume 3 the theatre how the macho guy met his former self and the connection and emotions that ran through.. You can call me emotional can call me a wreck but it was a good trip for me. refreshing.. and happy..

2008-01-09T15:06:00.000+08:00

This posting was meant to be up and running yesterday.. but...
1 i got held up with work
2. the timing was just wayward
3. I got distracted
4. the thoughts did not flow.

I am under tremendous stress now with the module i am taking for my degree.. It is heavy stuff and i got to admit it is overwhelming compared to the last two modules i took. I am taking the American history Political Science which is majorly heavy and very current affairs. I have to admit listening and learning the whole Political stories were great and highly addictive and entertaining however the studying part and the explanation of the stories itself added on personal view makes it highly difficult.

The good things is i have seen that i have lesser and lesser financial burden that straps my pay which is somehow a good thing. I don know what else to say.. Hmm... i rewrite again if ineed to right now just post this one..

2008-01-02T09:22:00.000+08:00

There are suppose to be many updates and photos of stuff occuring in 2007. The last leg of the year but have been failing to do so thanks to my never ending studying for my new module, America Political Science. Yesh you heard me Political Science.. Tough one on that..

Well anyway here goes the recapped of what happen...

The last one that i updated was Idah wedding.. Well simply after that there was nothing else to update.. Christmas countdown was a dinner at Fish and Co in Wheelock with Indera, Bryce, Faisal, Adrian, Jay and Jay's friend. Thats about all and after that we all went out seperate ways. The two munchkins who is supppose to either go back or go walk walk before going back in the end end up at PLAY.. Well hahaha you guys know who u are.. SLUTS!~!! kekeke... Unlike Moi, i was at a Karaoke with the rest belting out songs in the most unfashionable way.. crooning like toad to musics of the modern.. But no worries no casualties other than pained ear to all those screeching High Notes.. :P

So come the New Year Eve Update :

Worked Half day(crap!) then had lunch at Eatz19 with Yan followed by a short shopping spree.. then off to AMK where i have to do my groceries shopping with Bryce for the night countdown at my place.. YOU guys who haven pay up better do so.. HHMMMMMPRH!!! lol.. Well all went well met Jay went back to my place, we had chicken, some chicken red curry, some snacks, drinks, pizza (which we ate next morning, post party) followed by dips, doughnuts,cheetos and many other stuff.. The night was spent away with playing games and watching movies and listening to the songs of 2007.. It was a small event but meaningful to me having the closest friends around me from Bryce, Adrian, Indera, Faisal and Jay.. I had my fun cuddling up with you guys, hearing you guys SNORE like some ship docking and all the other embarrassing habits we all do in privacy of our own room.. Kekekekee....

And on new years eve.. basically i spent my day rotting at home and playing HELL GATE... my bitch in the game is a cool bitch.. :P so yeah.. So new year has come here are my resolutions..

1. To get to my 62 weight again.

2. to participate in at least 3 Marathons

3. Save up to 4000 by year end

4. To continue with Dboat and participate in at least ONE race

5. Driving test

6. To have at least 2 Holidays this year. ( One coming up, BKK here i COME!!)

2007-12-24T10:42:00.000+08:00

Hmmm... Commitment is something that comes across my mind today. Was just listening to random song and Yue Ding came up... Though Randomly the song brings a few things to mind.. That i witness an event the last two days that is base on the word commitment. The one that I witness and was a part of was a commitment in marriage where the sacred vows of marriage and love was professed to a girl and a guy.

Witnessing such an event brought a smile to my face and a tinge of sadness to my heart. Knowing that this was something so beautiful to witness and at the same time wondered will i get that same kind of commitment that happens not to people around me but to me. So far nothing worked out for me. All that i got was just rejections after rejections.

I so happy to see my friend got married to her prince charming and i sure he will be a fantastic husband to her. Sometimes i guess its nice to live and bask in the happiness of others. Its what sometimes one call a comfort cushion. A temporary borrowing of someone else happiness to liven up your own pathetic life. My life complicated and unless you know me you think i just taking the easy way out. I wish there was an easy way out Some form of psychotherapy or shock therapy. But i guess aftermath of living to the happiness of others when you are left on your own, you feel the sudden hollow and emptiness in your life. Loneliness crept in followed by some pangs of sadness then waves of emotion before culmination of tearing up. I live through another day many more days to come. What awaits me in the future no one knows how good or bad it is i guess i got to bite and pull through... Look in the direction of the sun and the rays will guide you to your happiness..

Mood : Mixture & Confuse

2007-12-21T10:59:00.000+08:00

I knew Kenshi from the world of cyber for quite a while and well after perhaps a year or a year plus finally we met up on my second visit to KL.

He been nothing but sweet and so hospitable. Someone very tall yeah.. 1.9m the blardy bugger.. lol.. the Gentle giant of KL. Very sociable and affectionate person.. very at ease with telling people of how he feels nothing second guessing. Since i had Indera along, I was introduce to Alex another one of Kensh's friend.

A very well mannered man with quiet demeanour but well after warms up he a very nice person. warm as hell a person although rather quiet but ever full of smile and like Kenshi says " Never leave anyone behind" will always watch his back to make sure everyone walking together..

Well to you two thanks for your company. Thank you Kenshi for your hospitality. Its nice to have the super damn long chat with you and your great company over the whole time i was there. Say hello to the other two friend of yours whom we met at KLCC i think forgotten their names too. Lots of Love and Hugs!

2007-12-20T19:41:00.000+08:00

Just over the last weekend i had made kinda of yet again another last minutre trip to Kuala Lumpur. The capital city of Malaysia.. This time the visit seems more interesting than the last time i was there.

The trip there was more adventurous than previously due to the many hiccups and screw ups but all went well.. Due to work schedules, I took the 3.30pm bus to KL from Transtar premium class treated good in the bus.. like in some airline.. no complaints!!

I met up with a friend in KL. First time meeting after knowing him for a long while actually. Due to again some faults, i was dropped off at Pasar Rakyat and not Puduraya as mentioned by the operator who sold me the tickets. Well thanks to the kind soul of the bus steward i was accompanied walk to the Pasar Wang where i decide to take the cab to meet my friend. Never in my life would i thought that taking a cab in Malaysia would be that challenging... cut story short i met up with Kenji and got to know his friend Alex..

Stayed overnite at his place before proceeding to Indera's relative house the next two subsequent night thanks to the no rooms available in KL. I got cruised when i was shopping alone in KLCC. the audacity of these youngsters.. I had a good meal at A&W, Kenny Rogers, Domino's pizza and some other snacks throughout the entire trip. Diet is thrown out the window.. Manage to get FCUK, Seeds, Padini and some other stuff.. Manage to even squeeze in two games of bowling.. some vegetating with drinks and party my nites aways in LA Queen and the club below it not sure whats its called..

Then back to Singapore and rushed for my lessons where i practically get stared at by the lecturer who thinks i some sort of a punk who aint serious about schooling and etc.. Well.. Part 2 of my KL Trip will be about my dear Kenshi and friends.. and Part 3 a short write up about my Club night. This is just the summaryof my trip to the land of the twin towers.. :)

2007-12-13T14:34:00.000+08:00

I am at work now and yes if you are asking if am skiving again the answer is a yeah and a no. Well basically what needed to be done at work is done.. secondly its a short break from the long ardous time of staring at the screen...

I was just thinking many things have happen from my last posting till now and yeah i know i procrastinating about posting about my Stand Chart marathon stuff.. the medals and pic.. Well one is i am lazy to take picture of it secondly haha i cant find my bloody photo from the official organiser which SUCKS... but at least i have the medal to prove i DID it in the name of Reuben Kee and the other dragonboaters..

Second thing is i finally officially joined the dragon boaters of my work place and well forming a new team to work hard at dragonboating.. Yes i have become one of the dragonboaters... strange but true.. am a dragonboater now.. lol.. the irony of it all.. Well like they say you got to try everything once i guess. Achieve and try as much as possible and see where that leads me. Maybe i learn something about dragonboat and who knows i might even light it. the whole camadarie and etc.

So tomorrow onwards starts my short wild and busy schedule of what i call a short vacation which i sure is going to leave me SUPER exhausted. Tomorrow morning will be my photoshoot with the Asiaone for the finals. its an outdoor SHOOT!!! YIKES!!!! at VIVO city double YIKES!!!!

Next will have to rush down to golden Mile to catch my coach to Kuala Lumpur for 6 hours. While in that freaking coach have to do my reading for my class so that i won miss out on what the class did and discuss. A whole freaking book on politics, economics and such.. *yawn* Meeting Kenshi there at 9.30 and off havocing in KL haha till Indera comes..

Sat and Sun has yet to be mapped out other than the fact i will definitely gym there and check into the Hotel. then the shopping spree and endless walking begins from Sat til Sun. Party till we drop.... :P with dearest Indera again.. Jay cant join and Bryce far away in Yunnan. Would have love you guys there too.. Faisal guess too last min for him..

Then i come back on monday str8 rush to class for my lectures and tuesday is the quiz.. and back to work on tuesday.. Can you just imagine the kind of mad rush i going through.. SOOOOO can die..... Good thing is i make full use of my time and thats what i want. No more lazing on my ass got to get up and pumping again..

So wish me luck man.. hopefully i will not embarrass myself and do well in my new arena i taking..

2007-12-06T09:58:00.000+08:00

My mind now is like the rat here. One small rat taking on the big world. Pretty daunting and quite honestly its one damn darn of a scary deal. I am currently at a cross road again. Its not about personal but more of a career sort of thing.

There are a few thoughts that been running through my brains and these pros and cons are taking a sort of hold on me. I easily get distracted and kind of hard to concentrate at work because i do not know whether my next decision would make my life better or worse.

My current job is good. Nothing much to complain but the obvious discern on the remunerations is a level of concern for me because its fairly obvious we are not rank some sort of priorities in terms of remunerations. In short they make us seems we are a dispensable lot. Irregardless of countless feedbacks, i fail to see any improvement or any fight for our cause and from the history of how the work place function, changes are expected to move at a glacial pace. The increment is so paltry i rather not mentioned it. The only good thing is there are bonuses coming along. Other than that, nothing else seems to be exciting or remotely to look forward to.

The job i applying offers a whole 500 dollars more. It is super enticing. Work wise basis there are higher and faster chances of one moving because its expanding and some arenas are pretty much in baby state. Company well established and you get to widen contacts and travel i guess at some point of time.

Base on the above, its kinda of a lopsided argument with the obivous choice of answers on which one to choose. However as everyone knows the other side might not always be a greener side. Everyone knows that. My worries is what if this change of step going cost me more than it benefits me.

In life everything involve a risk, if i truly change then i be back to square one learning about mixing with the dynamics of people, adapting to the corporate culture. Doing all i can to fit in again after fitting in here at my work place after like 2 yrs. Is this the right career move for me? My worries i guess is valid. it stands. What decision should i take? To move or not to move.

2007-12-04T16:24:00.000+08:00

I am at work now. Skiving. My heart feels heavy and things hasnt been pretty or good for me but whats not new. Thats life as they say it.. I moving still even if its at a glacial pace i still moving..

The only thing that lift my spirit today is the post comment from an Adam who wrote about my posting on my tribute to Reuben.. To you thank you. Your small note has made my day. at least i doing something right.

To Reuben and the 4 others who lost your life and to Adam, i proud to say that i completed the standchart with a timing of slightly over an hour. The ran which i dedicated to the 5 of you who perished was a great one for me. I ran none stop.. coming from a first timer and one who have an operated knee i think i done them proud or at least i hope.. I done it thanks to you 5!

Well.. i acheive alot this year learn alot this year and still i made mistakes in my life. some are easily rectified while others are hard or even unable to repair. One mistake which i made this year recently is leaving me here with a heavy heart. My mind wonders alot today.. If you are reading this you know this posting is regarding what i done to you.. I have been dissapointed far too many times that i become a paranoid and sometimes even delusion crept in thinking of some disastrous ending or outcome even before it happen and yet still something that won even happen. I guess coming from experiences that left me kinda torn, i kinda do things that left others hurt and make mistakes that i shouldnt have.. if you reading this i am really sorry for the unneccesary pain and negative feelings that brought to you. You done nothing but have been extending a great hand of warmth listening ear and great comfort when i need it sometimes. Always ever ready.. I not reason out or explain myself to you. All i asking is that you could find it in your heart to just give me that one other chance. a Chance would be great gift to me and if not if you could forgive me that would be sufficient.

I been thinking alot yesterday night and today. i seen something about me that will and have to need some amendments. Life is about changes and what better than a change for the better. I hope to you all and you reading this you could assist me or bear with me for i am changing being the best person that i can be. My apologies to you all if i ever in any way done anything that might have hurt whether consciously or not.

Mood: heavy heart and down

2007-11-30T10:51:00.000+08:00

I have live this year more fulfilling in terms of being healthy. Its two more days to my marathon run. It aint much i know i only going for the 10km run. But for a first timer and introduction to the world of marathon. I have come a long way from where i was.

From a guy who perpectually failed his 2.4 with a timing like 20 mins or less. I have now able to run 5km in half hour plus minus. Thats an achievement i guess.. Not to mentioned this is the fifth marathon i taken part in since the start of the year and i bet with you there are many more runs that i taking part. Marathons now is part of my exercise routine.

Well this run i going to try my best to run all 10km non-stop. I keep in mind the five dragonboaters who gave their life away.. Awe inspiring and sad to see them go.. The run will be for them. My own personal tribute to them : Running till i reach the end where victory awaits me always.. You guys will always be miss by your love ones.

So guys wish me luck for my run... to the five guys watch over us and see how i blaze the trails in your honour and remembrance..

I so excited to RUN...!!!!

2007-11-29T23:32:00.000+08:00

To dear readers,

I have never knew whether people read my blog or who have come to by blog to read my entries. Base on resources it seems there are people who read my blogs and of course had some inklings about my life.

My first and foremost thanks to you for taking your time to read about details of my life, things that i have gone through and done and my feelings and emotions that i have been experiencing in which are recorded in here.

Well, whatever notions you have of me or think of me i hope that don not fixate me to somethings that you assume base on info that fallen here.. This is no doubt me without any cover ups but yeah if reading this and you form some bad impression or that i less than a normal human being then it be better that you don read my blog at all..

It tough enough be trying to be who i am at work and outside and at the same time disguising myself. I tired of trying to please all of you.. If you found out things about me and that you are scared because i am unlike the common you then please leave my blog. I tired of trying to fit into everyone's model. No one want to be born or become certain things or what i call flaws in themselves.

I don judge you who are you to judge me and think of yourself as a higher more worthier being than me. You don get to know me then don assume of me and if you seen me and etc don act all uncomfortable and look at me with that expression cause it hurts.. although i don show it but it does.. in a world where modernisation is happening at every corner it is sad to see that backdated mind still exist..

I am judge by you at work by who i am. My moving up the career ladder is hinders by who i am not how i work.. I am judged by the people around me like i am a second class citizen, a nigger in a white environment. I seen many looks on your face and as much as i ignore me it does stings sometimes..

I don ask to be who i am. You think i ask to be like this? My last words before you judge me and acts towards me in the manner that reflects negatively put yourself in my shoe.. DO UNTO OTHERS WHAT YOU WANT OTHERS TO DO UNTO YOU.

2007-11-29T23:23:00.000+08:00

Well i sent my Thank You SMS to all those who have sent me wonderful gifts and well wishes when i turned a century years old..

Here are the lists of name in no particular order :

Indera, Idah & Sam, Yan, ridzuan, Jay, Faisal, Jasmine, Claire, osman, Chiow Lin, SIong Chye & Fay, Andrew and Friend, kelvin tan, kelvin chua, Junyu, Anneson, Nasser and friend, victor, mummy, justin, thomas, sharain, kak Ati, Kak Titin, Mark, Gus, cammy, Kym, Sharyn, Ching Ching, Miryanto, Kak Murni, Juli, Ramona, Izmir, Kak Liza.

And everyone else who have done things for me and well wishes i appreciate it.. the gift from your hearts i keep it safe and well in my heart.. LOVE YOU LOTS!

2007-11-26T15:43:00.000+08:00

Well My party begins with the dinner at Minottie courtesy of indera's planning and the generous chef and the GF, Yi wen and Chef Andri.. Had a splashing good time and laugh there with Junyu who drove me around in his MINI COOPER.. one cool car.. Jay who came down from his camp.. Idah from work and Indera and Yi Wen...

The later part of the evening was spent going to the movies with dear Jay and Indera watching the ever loved story of Enchanted.

Second Day spent my day nursing my raging migraine.. after which went to do my Hip Hop Class and lastly went on at night clubbing at PLAY with Indera and Jay.. The incident with the Germans were hilarious and had a good time dancing the night away..

Lastly on a sunday where my BBQ starts.. Most of the confirmed guest list came down and amidst the heavy rain that occur midway through the bbq.. all went quite well with many gifts.. i need to insert one more gift very special one from my lovable dearest sister who makes the cookies..

Thats the short summary of what i did over the last weekend.. The thank you posting will come in tomorrow.. PRomise as i got to go and sms them thanks for everything..

2007-11-26T15:31:00.000+08:00

These pictures you see are the gifts that i have received from people i love who loves me back of course... here are the list :

A CK Tote Bag

A NUM Laptop bag

Braun Buffel Luggage tag

Cufflinks from cant remember brand

Nice Pink Polo Tee

A Casio swiming diving watch

A side pouch

Addidas latest sport set

Japs series swimming trunks

and few boxes of chocolates..

The thank you notes will come in the next blog.

2007-11-26T15:13:00.000+08:00

This posting here will supercede my report on the birthday celebration that i had over the weekend. This heartbreaking news that i got during my BBQ is something that totally shocked and saddened me. It is truly and really sad to see someone to go so soon much less not one but five of them.

It was during my BBQ party that someone mentioned to me about the dragonboating incident that took place and had caused the lives of 5 Singaporean. What caught my attention was one of them was the Mister Singapore World 2006. The initial pique interest on the guys where mostly on the fact that he is some sort of a celebrity. SO the interest brought me to scourge for the news that had reported the incidents and what was the initial curiosity became something that touched me tremendously and one that left me in tears knowing someone great like him was lost at such an early age. Yes in matter of hours he click to my heart and have be bawling.

Mr Reuben Kee, Mister Singapore World 2006 was not just your regular jock. He is someone who has a deep passion for the arts particularly music. Despite his lean tall musculatory frame lies a sensitive heart that beats tremendously for people around him. His coaching to the kids in swimming, his motivations training his fellow school mates and his magical soft touch that brings many great tunes and composition left me in awe of this guy. A much living legend living right on this small island here where i reside. How can i not bawl my eyes out knowing that he is a regular guy that live and breathe the same air i did. We must have patronise the same Orchard road many times and now this guy who could have become something great is gone. His potentials no one will ever get to see. I read his blog his last entry seems like he knew something was wrong.

Well, I knew from reading that he wants to make an impact on the world and make changes for the world and impact people. Well in his life he did impact alot and whoever reads this and Reuben himself i want him to know that even in his death he has impact people. One person for sure he is impact me tremendously. In the spasm of just 23 years of his life, he has done so many things some people takes a lifetime to achieve. In 23 years many people were affected by him. Many people missed and love him.

I want to go away like that. I want to go away knowing that my life has impact many others. I want people to know me that i am someone who live life to the fullest and to the parents of Reuben my condolences for your lost. I cant imagine how you feel right now. Losing a son watching him grow and to have him leave before you must be a pain no parents should bear. My heart goes out to you. But your son has been a source of inspiration for many and more to come.

This is my tribute to you Reuben Kee. You will always be a source of inspiration for me. Trust me big changes will come my way and you will be someone i look up to. You shall see. Rest in peace. My condolences to the other 4 dragonboaters who have lost your lives. It is really waste and sad to see life wasted at such a time where your talents and gifts coul have benefitted many people.

May god always be with you.

2007-11-22T09:33:00.000+08:00

Today is the eve of my birthday and what is suppose to be the entry done this morning is done late night half hour before i officially turn a quater century years old. Yes.. The sign here is the birth of the sagitarius sign which ahem happens to fall on the day of my birthday so yes i am a half centaurian and half human.. So adequately i am half beast so the wild side of me has the attribution from the sign in which you behold.

Well tomorrow starts the big celebration with the dinner at Minotti... I am definitely going to have my tagiliatale with my king scallops and beef carpacio hahahaha.. IDAH is going to be so jealous.. and of course my all time fav apple pie.. HMMM not sure if i should sink my teeth into the gellatio ice cream after all it is fat free. hahaha the less guilty i feel the lesser time i spend in the gym..

I think Indera is getting me the Calvin Klein bag that i want and i gettin my hellgate london from Bryce.. I got a printed T from Sharain and lots of other stuff.. so yeah.. right now i am in the middle of a conversation witha new found friend.. so yeah.. well that is for now.. i will post the MInotti photos tomorrow and i wil update on my Marathon that is coming soon.. :P

Wish me luck and FAZIL HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

2007-11-21T09:22:00.000+08:00

Well two more days to my birthday... the official 25 years of age.. but life been much better today. Not feeling so lousy. The good gift i got so far is this list below..

My dear beloved Sister : Thank you for tha lovely cardigan.. u know how much i want that... lol

Sharain & family : thank you for the lovely floral print shirt which i sure.. i will use on my party..

Mom and Sister : Thanks for that nice outing by the beach.. love the spending time together...

johnathan Benson Avila : Thanks for coming back into my life.. Thanks for the promise you made.. though small it meant a lot. The friendship and you means alot to me :P love you always..

Idah /Yan/Kak M & working family : Love ya guys to bits thanks for all the support..

There will be many more thanks blog to come but until then these are the few i can remember...

CHEERIOS!!!

2007-11-20T09:39:00.000+08:00

The pics taken 17 Nov 07. Another Cam whoring days in Macdonald though courtesy of photographer Indera Putra. I look so MAT i know.. very malay beng but who cares.. haha My first day out wearing the shawl since its the IN thing now.. Had a good spending time with Dear Jay and Indera..

Feeling lousy still now that its three days away from my official 25 years of age. For some strange reason i looking forward to the sunday bbq because a couple of very important people in my life is going gather together at the bbq. thats is by far the sweetest deal i have for the coming birthday celebration. It does fill me with a tinge of sadness to know that those beautiful young days of mine are practically gone.. Well everyone path cross someday again i sure but in the meantime i just feel like its a quarter of a century and i felt like i achieve nothing in the life.

I wonder if where i am now is where i planned to be at the age of 25. Have i acheive things that i wanted? Am i still in limbo? Where do i wanna be I am not sure anymore. I am now at a cross road in my working life? Do i quit to try to do something which is more what my interest lies and do i stick to a job because i need the money to pay off other things? I consulted mommy on it and mommy do what you think is best for yourself? What is best for me?I feel kinda lost right now..

I met Kevin a long time friend and a boss whom I have admired for his work ethics and charisma in work. His questions about what i want to do kinda hit me for a while there.. What do i want to do? What exactly am i seeking for? Right now i don even know what i want to do? I lost..

What going on?

*SCREAMS FOR HELP*

2007-11-19T22:14:00.000+08:00

Today is the 19th November 2007. I left with four days before i officially turn 25 leaving behind the number 24 forever. It just seems like yesterday i was celebrating my 23rd birthday and wah Lah before you know it i am two years older than i last remember.

Well in the case where time never waits for no man.. this is the scenario.. I guess once you start working you be so busy with work that you forgot everything else and then before you know it time passes you by fast..

I am sick today. I guess its been quite a while and finally my body aint strong enough to fight against it. So far its been good and great until today where i finally fall ill. Its the common flu. PLENTY of FLUID lost through my nose.. Umpteen amount of tissues are being used and boxes too thanks to my running tap nose that has loads of fluids lost and crazy.. its getting on my nerves and my nose is stil red and sore.. what to do..

Tomorrow will be going back to work.. SIGH.. sad sad sad.. so tiring man.. thing going to go to sleep soon.

2007-11-16T15:00:00.000+08:00

Past next friday and i will be officially a quarter century years old. Just like the picture i wish i can put a stop sign as and when i feel like and have that work for me. The sad part of it all this is what i would call as a wishful thinking on my part. There going be gatherings over a few days celebrating my one more year older.

Somehow i din relate any of this to my friends that rather than feeling elated i feel rather subdued and down actually and it gets so now that its drawing nearer to my official quarter century years old. Don get me wrong i enjoy all this small miracles of life ( Royston if you reading this yes i do read your motivational emails that you send me) i am thankful for every breath i take that keeps me awake the next day.

But somehow i just feelmy life seems fleeting and its becoming apparent that somehow along the way many things are beginning to not fit for me. It does not feels comfortable for me anymore. I getting lost to be honest. I welcome silence, imaginary world of mine that i created every night before i go to sleep on my bed. Yes, i do those things these imaginaries scenarios that i created for myself sort of to comfort myself. I don know its not that things around me are dark and bad times. I 25 years old yes i am still young but i seen enough and sometimes my life just have blockages that makes it difficult for me to do what i want to...

Life is fleeting and you got to make the most of it. I believe i am trying. I doing all i can but each day each time i feel somewhat as if i achieve nothing of much that i feel hei! i did a good thing today i achieve something.. Like trying on sizes so far things are either too big or too small.. Work is fine, its getting pretty laid back now that most of the important stuff are done and over with.. but yet now i at work i don feel so good, the stares i get from people, the ignorance look i get.. the no apparent !@#$%^ face i get from people.. I tired of being politically correct all the time at work.. To ask becomes not proactive, and when proactive we are told to do some judgements; so to act on it or not to act on it becomes more of a battle i do everyday at work.. its tough when you have to adapt to so many frequent changes of people around you and it just bores you down.. i do feel demoralised at work.. think its time to change...

My personal life well what can i say is as that is waiting for an absolution.. what i am waiting for i do not know... everything is so trancient and i don know where each of them heading.. but with signs and telltales its leading no where with anyone of them i am in contact with..

People say growing up is a pain.. somehow i feel its not pain sometimes it can be excruciating.. there are of course at times where its feels like heaven.. i am 25 years old.. life gets complicated and it gets entangled more and more as years gone by.. life screws us up or we screw lifes up either ways we are screwed..

Mood: Melancholy (listening to Casper's Lullaby)

2007-11-13T16:25:00.000+08:00

Isnt she just adorable... by baby niece.. well i paid tribute to her sister and brother so i thought she should grace my blog as one of the cutest one important in my life.. These three rascals are my darling babies...

Love them to bits..

What u think cute right? so Photogenic lafff!!!

2007-11-13T11:48:00.000+08:00

Here are some of the pics i took during my marathon.. think its called the Civil Service Marathon.. only 4.4 km but the route abit tough upslope and downslopes all the way.. abit irritating hahaha.. but well i did it again YEAH! Yeah! Yeah!... Yes those of you who knows me.. i not a runner person but this year i completed 3 marathons with my last one coming end of the year the Standard Chartered RUN!!! 10KM Yikes! So I have been training for the big EVENT!!! so yeah... me a health running freak NoW!

2007-10-29T13:20:00.000+08:00

Today is what i called a day away from work and tomorrow will be the same as today. I am so bored today and since i been procratinating about every going to write into my blog and updates on the upcoming events and past events that happen in my life..

Well as per always i meet some jerk. The silent treatment is the same as always and there are always these people around. So well i just let it go and since i never did lost anything other than the fact of stupid convetrsation and my bloody time. To you i just have to say you are one hell of a idiot and should have just return back to your country and never to return here.

Well anyway i got to know more people and i trying so hard to find time to meet them as promised and well.. i haven been able to find the time to do so. Look even my blog has to be written during my lunch break from my course how jialat is that. Welll anyway to Kenji, Dave and the few others thansk for taking that much time to get to knwo me and having great conversations with me.. I will try my best to find a time slot to fit you guys in i swear.

Well another thing i had to do some job that requires a bit of travelling!!! YEAH! HOORAY!! i went and came back the next day. It was a mad rush but made a few good friends.. the experience was cute travelling first time on my own and having to go around was fun too.. A great sense of exploration it is abit dangerous but hei.. thats somehow the thrill of it. I manage to get myself a tag heuer watch which is nice.. hahaha...

Well hmm i now on course and i am so tired man doing all those work.. and my exams is this sat and yet my assignment not even done. YIKES! the audacity of me right.. I even manage to go catch a movie on sunday. You all should watch stardust a great movie with great cast.. hehe LOVE IT..

2007-10-21T20:47:00.000+08:00

This is just an update of what has been happening since the last time i was here. Just for a short time i have already gone through a month of fasting. Went through a period of Hari Raya with not much of festivities...

I just got back from house visiting with my poly band mates.. Tired as hell more updates to come.. Oh yeah just finish my exam for my journalism yesterday.. more to come in two weeks.. DIE DIE

2007-10-04T14:11:00.000+08:00

I lost weight yeah... left 2.5 more to lose and then i be 61 then after that lost another few kg and i back to 59

yeah...

2007-10-03T10:18:00.000+08:00

Well for a start its been the third week into the fasting month, next Saturday is the festive Hari Raya Puasa. For the non muslim out there, No its not a new year for the muslim but the celebration of 1 month of fasting. So honestly, the festive this year does not rake any excitement in me.. Other than the fact that i will enjoy close times for a few days with my most immediate family and those that have departed(seriously no kidding) The festive months just get more sombre as each year comes along..

Well anyway, Bryce came back for two weeks so sort of had a kinda of a rush catching up to do with late nights with Indera and on weekend with Jay.. Was nice and comfortable when someone close from your past becomes a present again.. Am glad for his presence.. 12 years doesnt count for nothing you know. will Look forward to his reprisal in Singapore come December with his other half too..

The weeks have been an interesting week. Got to know a couple of people and suprisingly they all are not as what i had expected. Some are pleasantly pleasing some are not. But all in all its a good experience. Certain someone is suppose to contact me after his one week holiday stint in Bangkok. What happen? why the silence? Another certain other looking forward to meet up with you. One other Someone din expect you to seek your other half.. had no inkling that was in the agenda at all but hei i don mind who knows right.

I have been very tired lately coupled with almost daily late night and the disruption of sleeping time due to the morning feast due to our fasting makes my body haywire. So Sleepy at work and school.. Dying but stilll surviving... The good thing about fasting i don feel hungry.. just that i feel lethargic thats all.

The desperate attempt now to get myself all psyche for the festivities i listening to the radio at work to all the festive songs. I may not feel like having to celebrate it and my uber sombre mood is sure to bring it a couple of notches down for others. I mean why drag others down so got to get in the mood, need to make it exciting for my nephew and 2 nieces. I had a good childhood when it comes to Hari Raya so i want them to have that same happiness and experience i had during my childhood days.

so Yeah YOO Hoooo hari Raya hari Raya..!!! ( with faked enthusiasm)

2007-09-13T10:19:00.000+08:00

Suppose to be writing this on the first day of the fasting month.. Unfortunately time did not permit.. School Kept me busy... and all..

so just a notification.. of this SCRAP!

2007-09-10T19:32:00.000+08:00

This is the time where the headache comes not from my work life but my personal life. There been a tad too many things happening suddenly at the same time that now i cant help it but have a headache just thinking about it. As you would have guess this blog comes from another day at the starbucks. Yes i know i am dying with no cash inflow but then again its at the starbucks that my inspiration will come and fill me up.

However i do have to emphasise that today headache is different from the normal headache that i have because this time it is more of a pleasant kind of headache.The kind that makes a smile, to my face that is the kind fo pleasantries. Let see for a start.. there is a couple of people whom suddenly express interest in me and that these people have been nothing but sweet to me.

This time i guess i have to make an effort to make sure that at least i manage to get ot knwo all of them and then i have to make some decision making. I do have some impression of some of them on whom i am suppose to choose. However let just see how that falls into place or not. Dates and meet up have been lined up so we shall have to wait and see..

Mood: Smiling but wary!

2007-09-07T14:01:00.000+08:00

Today is what i would consider my personal stress day. Work itself has worked itself so well that i do not have any big major problem at work and infact that there is nothing to do practically everyday. It has been a rather mundane at work day in day out because most of my work are out and that now that the major meeting and assembly in New York are in place there is nothing much to do except to wait for the outcome of it all because everything else has been pre-prepared.

What has been stressing me out these days is home stuff and all that comes with the word home. That has been nothing but stressful. First and foremost its the registration for the home stuff which is of course the payment for the balance of payment. Dad got a bits or two anger from me. I know like what Joo said i shouldnt do that to dad but sometimes i already bogged down with so many things to do. The least he can do for now is to take care of the billing and make sure what paper is there and etc. He will come with stupid papers that is anythingbut the bill paper that is from HDB. He been paying bills for so long he should know what does a HDB bill looks like right?

Then there is a problem with the stupid cctv thingy outside the house and the HDB being all anal about it. Which is of course i will have to do something about it and handle the whole affair. I sometimes cant help it but wonder why is it sometimes i can have the luxury of what the other people my age have. Their concern is of course when and where is the next holiday. what to buy with the latest salary. Going clubbing or not.

My concern at every payday is what to pay what need to get done what need to do what have to be checked howmuch do i have to last till next payday. What the account balance like? I sometimes feel trapped by all these unwanted stuff that i have to get done which can get rather unnerving. I don show it at home to mom and dad of course because i think they have suffered enough since we were all young but sometimes i feel that sometimes certain things my sibling seems abit complacent about it. No one ask me if i am ok handling so many things at one shot. No one ask if i needed help with anything with the arrangements of house or anything. I just tired sometimes really tired... but for my parents sake i just have to buck up and move and move.

My parents are handling the bills and all but sometimes its just the whole ordeal of it that sometimes i cant take it the other nitty gritty details of stuff that comes again and again its just a strain to me. Sometimes i cant help it but hates the growing up part. The best part is i not even married yet and i wonder how if i am married. I never want to get married if life comes with an even worse problems than the one i having now. NO way. Life is just too tough as it is and to be responsible for even more things and people. I'll pass thats for sure.

2007-09-06T11:08:00.000+08:00

This posting stems from my boredom at work and generally at everything iteslf. I have to try to better myself at english. I think my grammar and my spelling and other are still very rampant with mistakes and this need to be worked out.

Its Thursday and i feeling bored despite the fact that i have noticed that my schedule these days

have been packed with meeting many new people. Seriously nothing concrete but just just plain meet up. Some come some goes. So I am being proactive here with meeting up people.

Work has been on the slow lately which is good time for me to breathe. Able to do some filing and slacking at work.Finally! hahaha! School work is moving but at a Tremendously slow pace and i have to read an email from a friend Sharon saying she finished her post assignment and just have some snipping and clearing up to do. Such audacity in finishing so fast. I got to pull up my socks man. DAMN1

2007-09-02T22:37:00.000+08:00

Here i am again in the Starbucks branch beside the HSBC Bank in Orchard and today seems to be more productive in the sense that i have managed to finish finally to type my notes for my Degree class for my Journalism and writing post assignments.

I am here again with Indera who is busy doing his sketches for his portfolio to do his lessons in La Salle for his fashion school. Well anyway this weekend have been a very eventful day. Nothing big but got to know quite a number of new people. Kekeke.. But lets just leave it as that. Well I spent my Saturday doing the normal routine of just chilling out at home then going to the gym for finally doing my hip hop dance class which i have done for ages.. Felt good to dance again. Felt alive then met up with dear Jay. didnt do much basically we went to eat at long john silver then headed to this same Starbucks where we had our coffee.. and adjourned to Macs.

There at Macs we stayed for way overtime taking over 100 digital shots of posing. This one at the side is one of them. ALA Model mode.. Hahaha had fun taking pictures. We adjourned then to the link underpass at CK Tangs where another round of photo taking with the poster of Armani Exchange. YES you said it we were cam whoring all the way till 1 am. SUCH SLUTS. i did a video of Indera and Jay doing the Britney Spears songs. Freaky but cute. Will upload these pictures and let you guys see how we did for photo taking. I had to say that Indera did a great job in taking our photos though in the first place he had beautiful people to work with. AHEM AHEM.. i think i now a Starbuck whore too.. hahaha come Starbuck do work.. VERY THE ATAS right.. kekekekke..

Well its nearly eleven at night and finish two part of my post assignments and school starting soon. I feel so student now. School for next module is starting soon and stress is going to start. Not to mention that Fasting month is coming too.. ARGH.

One good news though.. Bryce coming back. TIME for slutting to begin though v. restricted cause fasting month. hahahaa.. Well i shall update on the directorate outing that i had. Pretty eventful and good. Well we shall see how that will go. Until then i have lots of postings to do. More updates will come your way.. hehehe keep reading. haha

FUNNY thing is i not sure if there is people reading my blog. Its practically about my life. HOW eventful is that hahahahaha...

2007-08-30T11:31:00.000+08:00

This posting was suppose to be in earlier this morning but i just did not havethe inspiration to do it just now because the thoughts just did not flow just now. The topics i have in mind all flew out of the windows. Well i met a new friend and an old friend yesterday and that proves to be interesting. They were a bunch of cool guys and bitches quite a bit. For the first time meeting him i actually bitch around and laughed out loud for like till eleven thirty. I reached home at 1230.

This few weeks i guess its my on heat days. I have no idea why. :P the libidos are working overtime these days. I not sure what is it that is stimulating it. I not sure whether its the weather or what. But my biological body is at its peak these days and i cant help it. Chuckles.

Work for some weird reason been suprisingly slow and good. there is practically nothing to do and much loafing around was done. Basically i am doing great and well. Attended a company function today hosted by the Public Affairs directorate. Was ok one. Nice watching the younger version of the wicked aura haha the chestnut School kids performing.

Right now i am waiting for my dear friend Graham to make his special appearance in front of me which si going to take a while i guess cause i don know if he knows how to get here. He is late however. DARN! Well i did cancel alot of appointment with him so i guess i do have to wait for him though. No Choice. hahaha.. I guess this is what i call retribution.

Tomorrow would be my directorate retreat. One is a move to sentosa for a lovely meal and what happens after that is as of now no idea. I not sure what is it they have plan for. Its going to be pretty awkward i guess. Thats for sure. Well I just have to turn on my thick skin mode and do what i guess need to be done.

SOmeone confess the liking for me the other day. It kinda of not really a suprise because he wasnt really hiding it in any manner or that i was just too attentive to what he is doing to know that he is interested in me.

2007-08-28T09:57:00.000+08:00

2007-08-28T09:13:00.000+08:00

This is my second achievement that i have accomplished in one of my resolutions to partake in a marathon. Suprisingly from just one marathon to participate this year this is actually my second marathon that i have taken up. Can you imagine. It started off with the JPMorgan Chase in which i felt so good at the finishing line that i signed up almost immediately for the Army Half Marathon. And better yet, i have already signed up for the Standard Chartered Run missing out on Mizuno run thanks to my freaking passing out incident landed me in Hospital. I going to sign up for the New Balance Run. Both the Standard Chartered and the New Balance Run i will be running for 10km. I got to slowly increase the distance of running.

Well back to my run, though sponsored by my company, this time we all did not gather. Basically its the kind everyone goes there yourself drab in your running gear bearing the company name and run youreslf and end it yourself. So i didnt manage to take any pictures and if i were to take pictures looks kinda stupid i take picture of myself. Anyway the marathon was great, an improvement i think from the last time, i manage to run non stop for the 4km and 2km walk abit run and etc i manage to finish by 30 plus minutes i almost certain of that.either i ran same timing as before or i ran faster. Either way i glad i complete it.

The sun was great the crowd was great. Everything was fine. Though my heart and condolences goes out to the Captain who passed away after completion of the run. Its really sadden to see such fine gentlemen go like that. It a waste. *sniff* *sniff*

Well people More from me will come in the posting. I should be going running every weekend i need tomake it a habit to run 8km every weekend :P wish me luck for my 10km.

2007-08-27T09:35:00.000+08:00

Yesterday I did my Sheares Bridge Run/Army Half Marathon. Another Great and uplifting achievement that i manage to accomplish this year. But that will be reported in my later entry. This entry came from me watching like 8 episodes of Ghost Whisperer back to back at home and one particularly key part of one of the episode caught me there due to the dialog and i thought i post it cause i guess its a very powerful message on perspective.

The scene was Melinda Gordon(Jennifer) was consoling her husband who was almost ready to throw out the towel because of his job(paramedic) and he lost one of the accident victim under his care. The dialog not verbatim are as follows :

Guy : I worked as a paramedics each time i try my very best to save them so that i can protect you so they will not die and wont come to you to help them finish their unfinished business.

Jennifer : (look adoringly at husband)

Guy : Have you noticed that we both are in the same related business, dealing with death?

Jennifer : Meaning?

Guy : I work as a paramedics attending to patients involve in all sort of accidents and ailments and you speaks with the dead helping them with their unfinish business..

Jennifer : Honey, why do you call it the death business? you work with the paramedics and you yourself is one. You work on the people to bring them life to give them a new breathe of life, another chance another shot at life. I bring them hope and make peace with them so that these earth bound spirits can cross over to the other world, and let the one that still living to have a new fresh start to continue living and doing what they must do in this world.

Guy : sigh

Jennifer : I don see what we do as a job dealing with death. I see what we do as a job dealing with life. Death is just a part of it.

They kissed passionately.

It is such a simple conversation but how the perspective is so different can be seen so strongly in the conversation. Highly recommended to watch. The show keeps your feet grounded and reminds you about many a things we take for granted. Even life itself.

2007-08-23T08:51:00.000+08:00

Thats me. My failed attempt to appear patriotic two days after Singapore's 42nd National Day. Though I work for the Government and was born a Singaporean and well live my whole 24 years of my life here in Singapore, sad to say I am not as patriotic about Singapore as I should be.

No doubt Singapore is a very efficient Government and all but well there just too many things that I have encountered in Singapore that makes me feel very marginalised and discriminated. In many ways Singapore will always be advance and forth coming and yet in every step they take move forward there will always be social step backwards which Singapore will and always take.

There are times where i loathe being here in Singapore. Maybe because of the people sometimes. I don deny it might never be better elsewhere. Like the saying goes, the pasture always looks greener on the other side. Well, to me no harm checking that out for all you know its might not be a greener pasture but a better suited pasture for your taste. the word greener pasture is very subjective. To each his own, so one man's poison maybe another man's honey.

I working here in right now. A very secured job. Very mildly nothing to be proud of pay that i bring home. Decent enough though. However i don know how much more of this i can take. Its been a good ride. I getting pretty apt at what i am doing but its just maybe the other implications of working in here that drives me out of here.The importance of the staff here isnt about the lower division. its the upper division. To make matter worse, some of us are subjected to scrutiny not because of the way we work but because of who we are. Its a shame and insulting but one must bite the bullet and just swallow. I learnt sometimes avoiding battle is better than facing it head on. Such are the lessons in life you will learnt. Almost everythingi is not fair, so just bite the bullet and take your fair share of the work.

I angst now. Well there are so many things to take care now. I don have my other half single, aint getting lucky in the bed, aint enjoying much cause busy with work and school. I need LOVE people LOVE.

2007-08-22T09:30:00.000+08:00

This morning came with more thoughts than i had expected. These thoughts are not random but are the onsett of a discussion i had my dearest mom in the kitchen today. All relating to some dreams and the repercussions of it that had some linkages with some events that happen in the house recently.

Things were never well when it comes to any matters pertaining to my family and the next door neighbours. The lady of the house or should I say the BIATCH of the house has been more a nuisance, pest, irritatant,virus and imbecile all rolled into one to our family. Her incessant unhapiness with my family had resorted to many a fights that had caused us to install a camera outside the house to authenticates our claims on her incessant banters and actions that had caused irked to us many a times. Some highlights are name calling, slamming the door when u walk past, spitting on the ground and many more inconsiderate acts that so far whenever she brings it up with town council had been unfounded because the arrow in the ends points at her fault which of cause to my delight had caused her more anguish and ill feeling.

She has up till now been trying ways to get even with my family on what grounds is the even thingy i have no idea. My last big feud and showdown with her had sort of made her afraid of me. My last police report on her had one upper hand on me against her. It is of no suprise her family back her. She must have spun a totally different story to her family citing us as the one that bait her to do all these nonsentical actions. At some point i certainly felt she sometimes use black magic. For one, which sane human being would pour water all over her corridor area with mouth mumbling some mumbo jumbo late in the night and i mean LATE in the night and very early in the morning before my sister and me sets off to work. Maybe you may think hei thats maybe common for some people. Well she had never been bothered to do it at some point during the good times withmy family even had said its the cleaners job to do it. So you see the sudden interest in these "cleaning act". She recently yesterday as i was told by my mom unknownst to her had taken a photo of my front door without realising my dad was sitting by the door looking at her. So it is to be expected she is up to some no good again.

I don understand this woman. She seems to seek pleasure in doing all these god knows for what reason. The last arguments with her husband btwn me and her husband. We left it you mind your own business and i mind mine. YET yet this woman is still up her sleeves to do things. She normally washed her plants and watered them and water the small drainage as the key hole is next to mydoor she would purposely washed all the dried up leaves to clog up our area. Then incidentally tried to be a good samaritan and callled the HDB citing these can caused mosquito breeding. Luckily though mom had cleared it and to stop her nonsense had now installed wires right at the end of her plants so the only things that can pass through it is water leaving her rubbish for her to clear. The point is why be nice to people when they don appreciate it. Right? these were my exact sentiments. Let them clean their own sh*t.

It amazes me up till now how come their family is so blind to these woman's action. I mean GOD is fair her own daughter in law had fill my sisters with many accounts of her wrongdoings and whatever she does that if used against her would definitely put not only her but her family to shame. Her ill reputation have spread far and wide with a coincidental a sister friend of mine happens to be the niece of these woman and even her own relatives commentaries about her was " she not a good woman. She abit "short circuit".Yet we didn bother to do so. These woman is the pure epitome of the horrible evil witch in most disney channels movies and cartoons. She embodied the very evil where beneath her scarf and supposedly religious outlook, she totally does not embodied the characteristics of a religious Islamic woman. I cannot say much about her daughter cause i never really interact but from what i see she a much more better example than her own mother whose loose mouth and actions depicts the exact of the how NOT to behave as a tudung woman. She attends some talks in mosque and self proclaim she religious. My mom finishes all the way to very high level Islamic studies, my dad studied advance levels of Islamic studies, my siblings all schooled in proper Islamic schools are i am most definitely sure am better apt at the religion and its rules than her. She claims this and that but you know when one starts saying things but actually meant nothing in her head. Thats my dear woman for you.

Its almost embarrassing to see this woman in her behaviour. Her lack of basic in Islamic studies is starkingly obvious in her action. I almost laugh at one point when she claims we are evil people and as i quote in translation " already never wear tudung so evil". I almost wanted to rebutt by saying and just because you wear tudung you are holy. At least we don spouts vulgarities and screams at top of our voice, we give regards to people when people acknowledge us with "assalammualaikum in translation peace be unto you". These are VERY basic stuff in religion and she don even do it and want to claim HOLY. To her i would say she more HOLEY than she is HOLY.

Personally I do not have any problem with her family members. My rule with them is you stay out of my face, i stay out of yours. Simple as that. I deemed you non existence and vice versa. But her mom and his wife the same woman, seems to keep wanting to throw her face at us and to take attention of her pathetic being. Maybe because she aint working and that she stays home all the time, she relinquish in doing such acts as a kind of a job to occupy what time she have. To her i say, go properly devote yourself to you and leave others out. It is not in my jurisdiction to tell you about religion cause thats between you and god but learnt to live a life without inconveniencing others.

I remember she once said it out loud that my family can hear. " I can go mad if i stay here with these neighbours". My advice then move out lady you do both of us good. My family laugh at the dinner table hearing that and we all proclaimed the only thing that driving her mad is her own jealousy, own anger and own disstisfaction with her own life". May she find some peace in herself one of these days. If any of her family were ever to read this entry of mine, to them i want to let them know i have nothing against your family members just your mom for her action( in which till death i will never forgave her for what she says, thats a burden she carry to her grave) and I have nothing against her son except ( for what you say too and for whatever that has left your mouth, those words will forever be something i will remember and will never forgive you for it, i want you toknow you will carry those wrongdoing you done to me to your grave and remember that something you will always regret that you done and sins you will carry to your grave, and if i am evil enough may what you say about me be reflected and carried into your son) REAP WHAT YEA SOW.

I sound evil i know but in life my principle is REAP what YEA sow and good begets good, evil begets evil, do unto others what you want others to do unto you.

2007-08-19T21:08:00.001+08:00

2007-08-19T20:38:00.000+08:00

Well here i am on a sunday in Starbucks in Orchard doing my work and well just surfing around. I guess i just want to stay out of the house for the moment to have a different environment to chill other than home.

School started last thursday and well its been good but hellish so far. Lots of things to do and reading and not to mentioned work in my workplace has been piling up in which soon can equate to mount everest.

This picture here is taken by my dear Indera who is bored to death accompanying me here doing my schoolwork while he fiddle with his camera phone taking my pictures and well doing some other magazine readings but all not lost because she get drinks and tarts courtesy of moi on my new VISA card from Citibank CITI CARD. so Proud i finally got my own credit card.. its no biggie of course but its a milestone step for me in achieving the things in this materialistic world.

Yeah i am a MATerial GIRL. Hahaha whatever that means. Well yesterday i did something different i went to watch the Fireworks and well that was fun.. grin.. Something new watched it with new found friends Wayne and his friend. OF course my dear JAY messaged me from camp asking about what i was doing and demanded to know who i went with. BIGGIE DEAL don tell him.. BLEARH. Chilling out at Macs later with Indera and Diana was fun too and got to know Diana friend BOB haha and watched couple of things on YOUTUBE courtesy of moi baby my compaq presario kekekeke.

Well i going to post now the photos that Indera took of me in Starbucks now. Think i am looking better and better. haha I know many of you are now rolling your eyes.. but ITS TRUE.. haha i been working hard at my bod and doing marathons and etc.. so yeah if i do seen better i should be proud to state it cause i work hard for it.. :P PROUD AND PROUD hehehehe..

so here the galore in my next blog my pic taken by courtesy of Indera Putra.. Thanks dear love ya lots.. hehehe

BRYCE WHEN U COMING BACK!

2007-08-14T08:49:00.000+08:00

I feeling bad because i been really bad. Think things about me have been going out of hand and in the process i have lost a friend. Well it is my fault to begin with and i don deny that.

I must have been going bonkers lately and i don deny that what i had asked for and my actions for it is nothing short of wrong. Well, i aint perfect and my actions is something in which i will be responsible for. The good and the bad actions. But unlike of those whom do not seek apologies, i made my apologies to this friend 6 messages.

To err is human. It is great for a man to be able to seek forgivesness and greater is the man who can forgive others. That is what i learn and that is a principle i stick to. I don deny i make errors and mistakes in my life. But having since apologising for it a few times, i think i have duly taken responsible of my mistakes and i guess i don enough damage control on my end.

To this friend of mine, I am sorry for what i said or done.I did my piece and did my apologies. If it meant losing u as a friend and all then yeah so be it. I respect that decision. On my end, i did my part so I wishing you all the best and take good care of yourself.

2007-08-13T11:51:00.000+08:00

This is how i feel today. I not sure what to make of what i am feeling at the moment. Partly because now that the Long holiday is over, there really isnt much for me to look forward to actually..

Time do pass by fast when you enjoying it and goes painstakingly slow when you are being tortured. Well my school is starting this wednesday. Its a countdown to it not sure whether to look forward to it or to actually fear it. For a good start at least i doing something different. Let see I need to make arrangements to meet so many people. I might even overbooked myself. DARN!

Finances are up to my neck. BLEARGH! Well i living day to day now. Trying to make whatever it is to get through and in the process enjoy it and lament about it. Nothing fantastic has been occurring in my life. Made a couple of white lies hahaha well if the white lies benefits people and myself without hurting any party then good right? Although it is still lies..

Work is work. Nothing much i can say but well i applied to a couple of jobs in hotel line. Maybe i was thinking of going back into Hotel Line and see how it goes and where it takes me. Growing older is no joke man. Hahaha.. Everything also must consider think twice look through it again. Words to be watched, feelings have to be muted, actions have to be routinely reviewed. It is no wonder adults are all tensed bitches and bastards. Everyone whether they like it or not became so conscious that we all behaves like robots.

Well just received news one more of my friends got attached. The lucky bastard. Where does that leaves me still single and totally undesirable though i think i look hot Now.. will post my new and latest pic post national day and see what you think of it *vain* *vain*

2007-08-06T12:05:00.000+08:00

I am now in my pissed off mood. Monday brings out the worst in me. Here i was at work knowing full well that this week is a tiring week as my Assistant Director is not in and mostly i have to cover the issues at work as there is only two of us directly dealing with this whole mumbo jumbo stuff at work...

I was doing fine this morning dealing with the many letters and stuff to do. From drafting of letters to sending it for vetting and preparing letters for bigger bosses to sign and etc.

Then came a freaking call from a staff overseas enquiring why there is no covering letter on the letter tat was sent to them to pass over.. SERIOUSLY are they really that pampered.. i mean will it seriously kill them to just prepare a letter covering the letter i sent them to pass over. MOReOVEr they are sending the letter personally shldnt and doesnt it make sense the covering letter should come from them?

I mean HELLO there are over 180 letters to do and if every single one of them i have to do TPN i no need to handle the other issues i have at hand is it.. GOSH... pisses me off sometimes why some of these people can be so spoilt and to think they are above me in ranking and etc.. FOR GOD SAKE PEOPLE COVERING LETTER.. will it serioulsy die... and stop making it sound like its my fault.. I HATE IT.. already not enough staff still dare to blame me... its a two person work here.. dealing with a whole bunch of shit.. so SERIOUSLY a helping hand is MUCH appreciated...

2007-08-03T09:24:00.000+08:00

Growing up is one the best and worst things that can happen to one's life. One had to learn to deal with both the unpleasantries and its pleasant suprises that normally jumps at you when you least expects it.

Dissapointment is one far to common to happen to you when you grow up. Life has its way of springing out things which somehow you don have much of a choice but to just face it head on. There will be times u escape unscath and sometimes with minor bruises. Sometimes the casuality can be worst than you expect with huge scars and wounds that doesnt heal as fast as you hope it would.

Yes i know i being very philisophical here but yeah my life has been fairly good to be with some bumps here and there along the way but apart from that its fine. My love life is my major bruise area where the bruise keep getting a bashing that i guess it has remain a dent in it. Its in its repairing state but well we shall see how it goes...

My handphone got stolen partly to my own fault of being too careless. Well aint feeling too lost but am dissapointed with my dad though. He promised to get me a new phone. The procrastination get so long that when i finally ask him if he can get he muttered some same reason he been regurgitating and when i ask maybe i shld just go get my own phone. He just go then you go get yourself without even an apology for breaking his promise. I mean yeah he my dad but shouldnt i at least deserve some form of apology for it. I not asking for alot right? But then he my dad, just as always resign to my fate.

My brother, yet again had succeeded to again do his thing by doing nothing. Segregrating himself from the family is his thing now. I seriously don understand him. To him, i can only say good luck to you and well do whatever u seems to please you. Somehow or rather i really wash my hands off you.

Life sucks sometimes but i guess i just got to bite the bullet and just continue doing what i think is best for me and my family. My irritability nature seems to have seep back into my life. that short fuse has return. i snap easily meaning i not happy with something in my life terribly. DAMN!

2007-07-26T01:05:00.000+08:00

Today was an eventful day for me..First and foremost my CITIBANK credit card got the approval and TAH DAAH i the proud new owner of a credit card yeah.. hehehe.. but thats not what this posting is about... but its about

Let see dear Indera got for us both tickets to watch Asian Boys Volume 3.. If you readers don know what that is its from the wildrice production(www.wildrice.com.sg) the play a touch heavily on gay life is someting like an autobiography of the gay life.

The Theatre play by Alfian Saat brought so much emotions in me that at certain points in the show i actually teared up.. Yeah me teared up and at some other points it hits me with a smile.. The first half of the show touches lightly on the discovery of one being gay and of course the first love. the idealistic of it all and etc. They first half was light hearted brings much smiles and I watch it in the view of a third person watching in on someone life...

THe second half of the show in which it drawn more on the complexity of actually being gay in a society bound by its traditions and conservative. The heavy tone of problems and the pressures all rises up and showcase how each of us faces these daily in our lives makes this show very close to my heart.. the myriad of characters were too easy for me identify with myself. the problems were so real and it does hit close to me and also about being in civil service and etc..

The leaving certain part of you behind when moving into the adulthood and how you missed your old self that you left behind.. the pressure of lviing up to society norms, the working life where judgement is everywhere.. the standing up for your rights.. the penal code and many more issues that hit close to home.. is so true.. the part where leaving Singapore because of all the unneccesary troubles it brings does ring a bell to many in the audience..

so to the cast of wildrice.. KUDOS... you guys did a great job in bringing us in into the thearte and bringing the script to life.. it was so engaging you felt connected to all the characters in the show.. to alfian a great script written that hits home run thousand and one times.. to the director ivan heng for the great cast and great directing in bringing about some serious topic in a very light and easy to accept manner and how the flow of it all just FANTASTIC...

2007-07-17T09:01:00.000+08:00

Last week has been quite an eventful week. Its like past events repeats itself. Its weird how I was talking about feeling burnt out and was contemplating of taking leave on Friday just to chill out.

It so happen mother nature decide to make my body broke down on a Tuesday morning at work in my cubicle. I passed out fell on Joo and had the whole department and of course my work in chaos. Another day of reckoning where Again i gain the attention of my workplace for all the wrong reasons of course. Well since this is a summary of what happen to me. Let just say i passed out had the ambulance here. Driven to A&E ward in SGH had CT Scan and etc. had to be warded for Observation and then was off work the whole week. Quite a sum up eh. I was warded same day as dear daddy who was in A&E in NUH. Junior and Senior all down.. leave to woman to fend in the family *GASP*. My visitors includes : Elenore, Shi Min, Murni, Imelda, Beng Wee, Indera, Idah, Immediate Family. :P So nice of them Thank u Thank u..

Well anyway Thursday decided to take a fresh breather and had dinner with Indera and Ida at Minotti. Yum YUm Delicious.. Got a gift from IDAH LOVE IT (with Sulaimi Signature Sound)
Met Jay for a good talk talk :P love ya lots Jay

Saturday went to JB with Indera and Jay.. HAD SO MUCH fun. went walking arnd. EATING PIZZA AT DAMN CHEAP PRICE. look at stuff. Basically it was a day of resting and changing of views. A breather.

Sunday - MORE REST and of course playing my new games on PS2 ( SCREAM FOR JOY)

2007-07-09T08:39:00.000+08:00

Today as of any other day is a start of the week through what i call the five living days of hell before you get two days of heaven and back to another Five days of hell. The cycle here repeats itself for what i can say the rest of my life till i draw my last breath. Now based on the last 30 seconds of reading this line you may think i am this bleak moron who has all negative comments about life..

Today however was slightly different day for me.Though the day is downcast, life kinda felt at ease today just like the breeze that is sweeping by. Mom felt the chill and have the windows closed. She afraid of the cold.Love her.:P Dad downstairs waiting for me to get down there and well go to work together. I guess eversince Brother married. I was his only other son left with him. I know he seems to pay attention to me more nowadays. The motorcycle ride to work together somehow is the time he has to spend time with me. Somehow i sense it up from him much about this. he treasures the silent ride with me as much as i do with him. I guess he does miss his sons growing up and with brother hardly keepin in contact with us. I am his only other son left for him to dote on.

Well anyway today ride was pleasant one for me. With my ears plug to the songs of over it and say ok, i actually today took the time to look up instead of looking at the endless stream of cars and bikes all wheezing pass by and honking trying to get to work.. it actually look nice when you see the sky and the trees and greeneries. It sort of have that calming effect and serenity that is so lacking here in Singapore. I might have to say though i might have looked ridiculous with my head facing up ears plug wearing a helmet and smiling and singing to myself in OFFICE WEAR. Dear god what was i thinking but any o how.. it was a good ride to work. Mind was cleared body aching but felt relaxed.

Another big headache that is looming over my head now is the many overhead costs that i have to bear due to me wanting to do my degree. Gosh so much spending each month paying off all kind of debt. BUt well like they say these are good investments. so let me recapped and see if they are good investments.

Phone : Neccesary to get in contact since i on the move alot.

Internet : neccesity. I need to get in contact with the world.

Investment and Insurance : Need i say more.

Loans : sofa and decor in my room. already did it so have to pay for it Neccesity cause room now lks more live in and makes mom happy with new sofa and old one can finally get rid off.

Loan : Poly loan. Need to pay it off because got another loan now Degree Loan. SIGH. Investments for my future.

Laptop : Neccesary since school is starting need these things. Groan and YEAH!

Gym Monthly fee : Need i say more. Investment on the body is neccesary. :P

I need to make more money. Need to find some sidelines to do one that doesnt compromise the limited time i already have and morality kekekeke...

2007-07-02T09:34:00.001+08:00

You Are 67% Passionate, 33% Compassionate

You are very passionate, especially when it comes to love.
In fact, it's sometimes difficult for you to tell between love and lust.
You jump in head first, and figure things out later... usually when it's all over!

Is Your Love Style Passionate or Compassionate?

2007-07-02T09:31:00.001+08:00

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more relaxed, calm, and composed.

With respect to money, you spend carefully and save your pennies.

You think good luck depends on maintaining good relationships with others.

The hidden side of your personality tends to be satisfied to care for things with a minimal amount of effort.

You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked.

When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you base your search on information from your friends.

Who's The True You?

2007-07-02T09:28:00.001+08:00

Your Celebrity Baby Name Is...

Denim Ocean

What's Your Celebrity Baby Name?

2007-07-02T09:27:00.001+08:00

Sagittarius - Your Love Profile

Your positive traits:

Your playful nature brings out the happy inner-child in dates
You're willing to take risks in love... and reap the rewards
You've got a killer sense of humor that gets talking with any hottie you meet

Your negative traits:

Sometimes your sarcasm comes off as biting and abrasive
You can be brutally honest, tactless, and truthful even when it hurts
You're such a free spirit that you find it hard to commit to one person

Your ideal partner:

Someone high energy who will pick up and out with you whenever
Is creative and fun - thinking of new adventures for the two of you
Is bold... and not afraid to tell you "I love you" early on

Your dating style:

Unpredictable. You never know how the night is going to end up.

Your seduction style:

Daring. You're always pushing to try something new in the bedroom.
Full of imagination. You've always got a new fantasy you're dying to try.
Spiritually driven. Sex for you can be an other-worldly act.

Tips for the future:

Realize that while freedom is great - sometimes a stable relationship is better.
It's not all about you. Focus on your partner's needs every once and a while.
Make up your mind about your partner, and stick to it. Your fickle will ruin things otherwise.

Best color to attract mate: Purple

Best day for a date: Thursday

What's Your Love Profile?

2007-07-02T09:11:00.000+08:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted

2007-06-29T15:07:00.000+08:00

This is one of those friday where i stone more than i work. Simply because there wasnt much work to do. I cleared them way early in the morning.. Preparation all set and done.. so basically its just stoning and filing.

The day is dreadful enough and staring at papers that needed to be file makes the whole event even more significantly boring to a point that i actually doze off more than 8 times at my desk.. yes that is HOW boring it is today.. The time crept so slow that i swear it actually stop moving once in a while..

Let see other than the fact that Victor, Ridz and Peter is accompanying me online.. it was a blessing at least they make the day passes by and makes it more bearable.

See even doing this entry for my blog i have a problem of thinking what to say or add in. I actually lost for words for once the last two weeks have been a quiet time for me here in my directorate. There finally a time for us to breathe but now and then there are urgent matters tat comes our way but other than that its just a coming to work doing watever loose ends there is and thats about it..

I have to attend the SAF day this sunday representing my workplace.. got arrowed also to sing in some choir for National day.. what luck..

Cant attend my poly gathering today.. cant attend my new groupies of friends for fun tomorrow.. impt stuff need to be look into on sat cause sunday is dedicated to the SAF day parade.. DAMN DAMN...

Is this entry long enough.. think it is lah lazy to think.. Brain cells dying.. DAMN...

2007-06-21T15:26:00.000+08:00

Music Video:

UMBRELLA (by Rihanna)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

Gosh Fell in love with this song thanks to dear Indera... so here.. wanted to put the lyrics down but well u guys might as well enjoy the song here instead hehee... Click on the link at the side to get the lyrics if u want.

2007-06-20T00:24:00.000+08:00

I was reading my past entries in my friendster blog before my switch to this current one that i am using. I was suprised at what i had written. At that point of time, i find reading it kind of soothes me a little because it dawns upon me how i have grown at that point of time. I got to admit amist the bitterness anger and angst, there was words in the entry that shows that i have grown and that i learnt something albeit being the hard way.

Upon reading after reading i realise that most of the times i learnt things the hard way. I had it mostly slap to my face hard and then the recovery is left up to me to treat it in whichever way i learnt. It seems amist having my lady luck shining on me with a great family and friends and a good job that comes with it, personal life lessons are learnt each time the hard way. The kind that leaves me stunned shocked and torn apart. Reading those entries sometimes i wonder however did i manage to actually bounce back and pick up and to carry my face high and move on.

Many of the people around me thinks i having a good time in my life. I got to admit if you look at my life putting away my personal life, everything has been nothing but smooth sailing and great. My career is somewhat moving, I improving myself getting the degree, my family doing great and always there to support me, Having friends around me.

But no one see the sadness behind my eyes. No one notice the bleeding heart. No one understood the empty body that yearns for someone whose hand would fit into mine. Whose arms would be for me. No one notices the confusion in my head. I am so lost when personal life is concern. It seems following my heart, my mind, my logical, my instinct always lead to an undesirable outcome. It seems really really frustrating for me. You have no idea how angry i am sometimes. I just don know how to go about it anymore. Everything i do brings a repercussion that just.... isnt wat i was expecting. Why? Sometimes i wonder what have i done to deserve this? Why is it the one thing that everyone can have i cant? Why is it that i always feel like a freak when personal life is in question? Why am i not always the type that one would like?

Being nice to someone i fancy becomes too nice that the person only wants me to be their friends only because i so nice, afraid of losing a friend. Being apprehensive to the person drives them away. Loving a person truly leaves me on the lurch through a silent break. I too good for them. Like SERIOUSLY how else do you think i should do? What else can i do? How else do you want me to do this? What is then the right way? Why is it when i give up someone comes along and when i give hope the hope comes dashing down? I feel like it some sick joke that life just loves to play on me.. Why? Why? Why give me hope when i lost it and why take it away from me when i embrace it? Is it a curse for being who i am? Why?

2007-06-19T08:44:00.000+08:00

Music Video:TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE (by JoJo)

Music Video Code provided by Video Code Zone

This is one of my favourite songs for now. Too Little too Late. Sometimes certain things once its too late no matter how short is it.. you just cant turn back to it. Like the chorus of the lyrics says...

And you knowIt's just too little too lateA little too wrongAnd I can't wait Boy you know all the right things to say (You know it's just too little too late)You say you dream of my face But you don't like meYou just like the chase To be real, it doesn't matter anyway (You know it's just too little too late)

2007-06-12T10:51:00.000+08:00

There been many a times that i seen things happening here in Singapore that i do have to say is such an irony. Sometimes it become so starking obvious that the actions that was taken or decided on is the exact opposite of what was preached or told.

On a personal note, from experiences that i been told or first hand seen with my own eyes how on the Media was portraying about the homosexual issues and that the government is no longer on the anti homosexual and etc and yet there are times where i see a homosexual being subjected to scrutiny not because of his/her merits but because of her sexuality. I can just understand the insult and the humiliation he/she had to go through with these kind of treatment. In other words no matter how good he/she is, she is forever subjected and judged on his/her sexuality. Such an irony. Look at the media and its frenzy feedback from the general public. Honestly speaking, to the lady(forget her name) and whoever is against the homosexuals citing them as gallivants, pest of society, ill depraving sex manic depression problematic people, telling how the lifestyle of social ills and associatin with aids and HIV. Seriously, it is sad to see these people are highly educated and at times are even in respectable professions and positions and yet they have such a sheltered shallow perspective of life. Seriously, does being homosexual means one is incapable of executing their jobs well, that they are blinded and thus are unable to perform the task at hand? it is funny how the ills of the homosexual are highlighted in public and yet things like the high divorce rate are not mentioned and the heterosexuals, the ills of having extra marital affairs, the frequent meet with social escorts or prostitutes locally or overseas say Batam and etc are not considered the social ills of the society. These actions by these people are considered normal and not a social problem or even the personal problems. So to these people open your eyes big. One of the main socialproblems the heterosexuals are facing maybe residing in your own life or doors. to them i say GET A LIFE and start growing up. Just by being heterosexual that doesnt make u first class human being.. or better than others.

Irony is the word that is practice here. Basically like in Ovidia Yu's play in the Battles of the playrights, the black crows are let out once in a while or a few are let out so that the world have an impression that they are pro homosexuals and that what i can friendly towards the alternative people and yet day in day out you see or hear how the homosexuals are subjected to many discrimination and etc.

The Alfian Saat in todays paper the reason on his merits or his academics are the reason for him not being able to teach (hear this) PART TIME Teacher.. not even full time is a BIG LAUGH OFF! Seriously that kind of reason works on toddlers, who they trying to kid. It is a huge starking obvious reason why he wasnt allowed to be a part time teacher despite bagging awards for his theater plays and all not to mentioned a Raffles student whom bagged many As.The irony of it all. It is no wonder all the wonders of intelligent brains left Singapore to go overseas.

To begin with whoever i want to be its my life and its what up to me why i want to live it. Who are you to judge how i live my life. IF you think your life is perfect then by all means go live yours don dictate others. If my work and my capabilities is good what has my life got to do with it? Who are you to be the judge?what makes u think you are qualified to judge when your own life is not perfect. So to you out there whoever you are.. two words for you BUZZ OFF!

2007-06-11T09:37:00.000+08:00

Well I am very TIRED. the word stressed here is emphasising on how tired i truly am... but this tiredness is the kind that brings a smile to my face and a light heartedness to my spirit because i finally did it... Not sex if that is what you thinking.. i finally join a competition and even though i didn win anything just consolation.. I FEEL really good about myself. will be sending out thank you notes to all the lovely people from Carrie Models International and Academy, the People from FuSe, all the contestants involve.. its was fun and exciting to be doing Men2007 in men style transformation.. Playing around goofing around with all the clothes and hairdo and visitations picture taking.. hehehe.. I didn win if that what u want to know but i think i win big time gaining some portion of myself back. a good feeling and that i accomplished something in my life.. Been there gone there done that. That kind of feeling.. it feels great for a moment i sort of had a nice purpose and great feeling.. well life now carries on i feel a better me has emerge stronger me. found pieces of myself that i have lost. Mostly of course the gaining of that self confidence thing, you know the kind when one is young and feels invincible and that the world is at my feet.. i can do anything i want.. acheive anything i set my mind to :P

Thanks Cale, Christina, Colin, Deanna, Elaine and all those involve that I have missed out.. You guys gave me something i lost for a while.. its a good feeling finding it back. :P

2007-06-08T00:35:00.000+08:00

Every day in and out i never knew that hatred could be so deep in someone. In my entire life i have never hated someone as much as i hate the woman that lives next door to me. I never seen anyone has evil and has full of hatred its practically living in her day in day out.

The funny thing about this lady she is supposedly pious wearing the scarf cover her head and all but yet her being itself is so dirty. She talks bad she slams the door at my family for no apparent reason. there is so much hatred in this woman for all the wrong reasons. All she wanna do is find trouble. She fought with practically all the malays in my block. and she supposedly holy. All i can say to u lady HOLY MY ASSS.... even i go religious school she wears that for fashion sake but for the real holy reason of wearing it. SHE AINT FILLING ANY CRITERIAS AT ALL.i amazed at how her family especially her henpecked husband stood up for her. Even though sometimes it happens so obvious she just slams the door to irk others so that she can find fault and starts shooting all sorts of vulgarities to people.

Her son whom i thought is a good person or at least better than her is no better. Blind by her own mom fault spouts the exact same nonsense of vulgarities at people. well he came from her so go figure. the funny thing is even when her mom does it in front of their eyes they still find its my family that irks them and etc. which to me is so weird. HOW BLIND CAN U GET. well if need to see how BLINDNESS AND HATRED LIVES AND BREATHES come on down to my block and live and see.. Mom video tapes whats happening outside and have too many a times proof of how much they try to agitate people. The damn woman. and family to boot. Her daughter in law is the only one who knows and is on our side to be exact just that well being an outsider despiter daughter in law she cant do much. but then again also who can we trust that family is one cock up family wiht loads of baggages of hatred and cant see people better than them. Basically that woman next door is one who likes to show off.. cant stand if ppl are better than her. Have nothing to do other than to find faults and scold vulgarities. ONE DAY i pray that same door that she slam on others is one day going to slam back into her face and twist that same mouth that spouts lots of vulgarities at people.

If i were to get her a present its the rules of wat it truly means to wear a tudung. ITs embarrassing for someone like her to wear tudung at the age where she is and yet have no idea about the true meaning of wearing tudung. So don come telling me about religion or preach about it if you don even practice or fill any of the criteria. SO just BUZZ OFF..

2007-06-04T09:11:00.000+08:00

Life has its ways to weave many things into our lives. Both the unpleasantries as well as the sweet deals. Either way its either build us up or bring us down. Nonetheless both are a part of our lives where live in itself has its own secrets of making us more appreciative of being alive and having whoever that crosses our path in life.

Many a times during from my last posting that i have encountered many a downturn and many an upturn. One of my new upturns are meeting these three ladies whom getting more more important in my life and i don know how much they know how appreciative i am that now they are in my life. Idah Kak M and Yan. After knowing so much about me, rather than shunning me away or acting somewhat weird they become even closer and are fine with me infact to a point where they get even closer. I can be who i am and just as i am with them. No acting needed. They have no idea how much that brings me to ease.

Life is already tough enough for me these few years. Only few knew the insults the kind of trash i had to go through so many things and people brought me down. Yet here i am still standing and stil hoping that one day someday someone will give me a break. A break so so badly needed sometimes.

For now, I still surviving on my own. I always try to remember what mom says always remember for every suffering u feel there are always someone out there who suffering even worse than you. The strength i need seems to stem always from my mom patience and resilience. Thanks mom Love you lots.

2007-05-29T00:07:00.000+08:00

So we finally decided to take half day off with of Course some of us going for the MC instead, to come out together to have an outing. So after a gruelling fast forwarding half day at work where work was rush to meet deadlines, we all trouped down to Marina Square to watch the Hilariously funny Malay Ghost movie titled Jangan Pandang Belakang. Yes its hilarious for a Horror Flick, We had good food at Cavana and of course the endless shopping around in Marina Square with the incessant clicking away of our camera phones taking pictures oblivious to the surrounding. So yeah.. had a good day with them.. Had my course with Carrie models that day too.. First session. Yeah..

So here pic galore

2007-05-24T16:16:00.000+08:00

Today is the day where this is my first blogging with my dearest new love, my compaq presario v3000. yeah i upgraded myself with a new laptop just call this my other baby.. well its been a whole crazy chase today. since my trip to australia to meet dear bryce has been dashed.. no thanks to my workplace.. i decided to get this lappy for my new school and to treat myself good i bought a PS2 also.. What a way to treat myself.

But hei not all is lost i bought my mom fresh water pearls with white gold earrings and my sis a diamond necklace from SK. Not to mentioned daddy a shaver and dad despite what i vowed got my brother a gift shared with mom and 2 sisters from body shop and aunt too stuff from bodyshop.. see who says i not magnanimous.. I so generous with myself. Well now i up to my neck with everything. Going broke soon but all in all i think its money well spent.

I am on Medical leave and here i am at the place where all lap top people are; STARBUCK talking to dear bryce and having Sulaimi for company. Anyway for an update on my life i manage by luck to get into the top 15 finalist for a style transformation for an exhibition in Suntec called the men2007. www.men2007.com.sg hehehe.. go check it out.. its on 10 June and well i just go for the fun of it.. for those of you reading this.. must come support me HOR! my virgin participation in such a competition in my life might be my last or a start for more to come. MUST HAVE CONFIDENCE! Lol

Well you can see me there embarrassing myself. But well with support from my family and dear Peter and all those friends.. I do the best I can and make the most of it ok.. KANBATE

2007-05-13T23:03:00.000+08:00

Don u Just Fall in LOVE WITH THIS!!!!

ARGH!!!

SCREAM!!!!!

LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!!

2007-05-13T22:57:00.000+08:00

ME taken before meeting andrew for a show at Omnimax theatre and Lunching at.. Fish & Co..

How?

Bought Mommy a Pearl and White Gold Earring and Sis a diamon Necklace... :P SO PROUD OF MYSELF hahahahaa.........!!!!!!!

2007-05-13T22:40:00.000+08:00

Well yesterday was an eventful day... Went to eat with Mommy and Sis at the standard place the SHING SHIONG market.. for those who don know its where u get all the cheapest groceries in Singapore.. Anyway headed out earlier to Raffles Place to finally met up with Victor a cyberpal for *ahem* think a year liao and had a good lunch and talk at Coffee Club.. Chill Chill...

Then of course went for Hip Hop dance class and off to Vivo where i bought my Orange Adiddas shoe.. (LOVE IT) will put up the pic.. and two working pants from g2000 cost me 90 BUCKS YIKES.. got dear daddy a shaver for present..

I was with of course dear Jay and Met up with Faisal and Jay fren Justin ( as were introduced) well we all waited for Indera and well from a movie planning changed to going to MOX to chill and in the end.. it went to play... to deposit bag.. go over to Tantric.. then went to play till 3.30 am.. everyone was being wat i called a slut, bitch watever it is on dance floor.. dance to heart content.. all in all a good weekend well spent... will post my shopping spree!!! WEEEEE

2007-05-13T22:27:00.000+08:00

Its a bimbotic song but SOOOOO.... catchy GOT HOOK on it at my PLAY yesterday DAMN IT.. now its STUCK so everyone got to get stuck to it.. PARIS (SCREAM!!!!)

*BIMBOTIC MOOD*

Artist:
Paris hilton
Song:
Nothing In This World
Album:
Parisda-da,da-da, da-da, da,da-da, da-da, da-da, da

so i was thinking to myself when you passed me by“here’s what i like”

and you were with somebody else but you can’t denyt

hat’s me in your eyedo you knowwhat it’s like

when it’s wrongbut it feels so right?

(chorus)

nothing in this world can stop us tonight

i can do what she can do so much better

nothing in this world can turn out the lighti’m gonna make you feel alright

tonight.da-da, da-da, da-da, da, tonightda-da, da-da, da-da, da,

tonightbaby, you and i,

we got what will never beyou know i’m rightso tell me

what you’re waiting for when you’re here with me?

most guys would dieyou should know

what it’s likewhen it hurts‘cause it feels so right

(repeat chorus)

i gotta tell you somethin’it’s somethin’ that you just might likeno,

it’s not the same thingyeah,

you’ll learn i’m not too shyyou and i,

we can do this thing tonight

(repeat chorus 2x)

2007-05-13T22:09:00.000+08:00

I know its bimbotic the song but its so blardy catchy caught it at Play yesterday and gosh well the song got stuck so got to put it up hahaha.. (Bimbotic Mood)

Artist:
Paris hilton
Song:
Nothing In This World
Album:
Parisda-da,da-da, da-da, da,da-da, da-da, da-da, da

so i was thinking to myself when you passed me by

“here’s what i like”and you were with somebody else

but you can’t denythat’s me in your eye

do you know what it’s likewhen it’s wrong but it feels so right?

(chorus)nothing in this world can stop us tonight

i can do what she can do so much better

nothing in this world can turn out the light

i’m gonna make you feel alright tonight.

da-da, da-da, da-da, da, tonightda-da, da-da, da-da, da, tonight

baby, you and i,

we got what will never be you know i’m rightso tell me

what you’re waiting for when you’re here with me?

most guys would die

you should know what it’s like when it hurts‘cause it feels so right

(repeat chorus)

i gotta tell you somethin’it’s somethin’ that you just might likeno,

it’s not the same thingyeah, you’ll learn i’m not too shyyou and i, we can do this thing tonight(repeat chorus 2x)

2007-05-08T10:05:00.000+08:00

Due to some unforseen cirsumstances.. have to do double entry.. MORE PICS GALORE!!

2007-05-08T09:53:00.000+08:00

Well here an entry on my virgin trip to the infamous Cafe Del Mar in Sentosa.. together with two belle Idah and Yan. Due to some unfortunate circumstances, Yan and Idah was given insight into my complex hidden life. Not entirely but enough for them to somehow get an insight into how complicated my life has been. The facade of what i show and what i really am.. Well anyway its a start for me opening up to people..ZIPPED Cut it Short, we went there at Nite and the blardy rain kinda dampen the place we sat outside nearer to beach... Things were kinda soggy and wet but knowing us we all were just crapping and being the crazy bunch enjoying and relaxing the night away.. an appetiser to the whole sentosa trip was a dose of shopping for Yan and Idah at topshop and this other girly shop.. hehe.. forgot the name.. Look at the wacky trio.. Had a wacky time with them... will have more to come...

2007-05-07T23:46:00.000+08:00

This is my dream bod man... Sigh.. How these guys did it I HAVE no idea..

2007-05-07T23:31:00.000+08:00

To break sulaimi's virgin visit to St James Powerhouse... Me Indera and dear Jay went down to St James on a Sunday for a let down party.. but HELL was i gone on monday.. so stony on Monday work day.. DAMN DAMN DAMN.. btw the Beyonce thingy by ST James was great.. BUT getting sick of CLubbing LIao.. so club going stay away for a while.. hehe not much of a clubber anyway...

2007-05-07T23:26:00.000+08:00

DoN think other wise... wat i meant was i straighten my hair... people like my new hair .. hmmm do you?

2007-05-07T23:14:00.000+08:00

Here is my quarantine day at the hospital.. where i felt like i was some sort of a vermin that my breath can instantaneously kill someone .. felt v. evil hahaha... Pics of me Mommy and sis... pardon for the wrong angle of photo.. hahaa.. but all i can say is OUCH OUCH OUCH!

2007-05-07T23:01:00.000+08:00

I spent a week there in Surabaya.. and well.. visited my cousins there.. Did i tell you i am Bugis.. Origins are from there.. the Celebes and all...Long ancient story but cut it SHORT.. TADAAAH... i Singaporean.. well.. went to a few places visited think 8 different city in Indonesia.. the whole ride can be a pain in the ass.. LITERAL meaning.. but it was eye opening.. tranportation by horse, market on the move coming to ur door step selling chickens and etc and they are distinct by the different music they play... weird but true.. go up and down mountains.. eating chicken tat are cooked so dry that its a delicacy there and NOT to my taste.. haha...

The best part of the trip was coming back.. Home.. dad got very sick and well hospitalised.. to cut story short.. my whole family got quarantine for bird flu.. and coming from where i was working.. panic flew everywhere in the Ministry and well i get the best treatment and all and yeah i got sick too but not too bad and was away from work for a week.. SO now u know why there was a long procrastination cause when i get back to work.. WORK was mountaineous and HUGE.. to clear.. now that work sort of has settled.. my postings are coming back one by one.. this pics while i was on a horse riding back home from market.. scene on the road.. the school kids to the people on bike.. on cows and etc...

2007-05-07T11:53:00.000+08:00

Ok I haven been updating much about my life eversince my trip to Indonesia or to be exact Surabaya in April 07. There is just too many things that happens and its URGH.. very bad.. so now after much procrastination.. i will try to update though not in chronological order.. so BEAR with me reader..

Well for a touche of lite impression... I DONE MY FIRST MARATHON!!!! YEAH.. for those who don know me.. i HATE running but well things change been running every sunday at PUNGGOL Park.. will take pics when i do my own running meanwhile... this run 5.6 KM called the JP MORGAN CHASE hehehe... i clock in at 37 min 45 sec yeah.. bad timing i know.. but... considering my 2.4 always finish like soo super late.. like 20 min.. this is a vast improvement.. hehehe... well this is for a start.. so here the unglam pic of me... in my corporate running clothes.. hehe the run representing my company the MFA...(vomits)

2007-03-06T10:41:00.000+08:00

Its been awhile since i last blog into my system. I been trying to blog these days but the server keep hanging out on me after i painstakingly typed in what i wanted to be voiced in my blog. Unfortunately the server hang and due to that the whole mood of going to place another blog into the my dearest blog just zapped and is replaced by what i called rage that totally pisses me off. In such a turn of event, i rather not post any blog into the system lest the whole blog will turn into one hatred blog that may be more of the a harm and detrimental to the person i am. Last thing i want is for someone to term me as an angry person.

Well just to keep you updated into what happening in my life. That person did not call me when he suppose to and that totally I have no idea what has happen to him. But nonetheless i sort of gave up trying to contact him. The emails that was sent to him was enough for him to know i been trying to contact him. Now i shall leave it to him to do his part in what i termed as a reciprocal exchange. It takes two hand to work.

Well this week is the last week of torture for work before i go and fly off for my long overdued holiday. A week away from the work place and Singapore would do me good i sure. I be going to Surabaya with my parents to visit my relatives. We all have never been there and that they been asking us to visit them there for a long while already. So finally after years of procrastination, we finally decided to make our way there. I not sure how good the holiday is going to be but considering that they are a well to do family and that its their homeland i sure there are some good places that we may find there.

Oh ya did i mentioned that i am going to my first company D&D with a theme which i totally not sure what is the theme about. Discodrama.. so basically i am going there in my clubbing clothes. Who cares its disco drama.. Just dress what i like then. Ok got to ciaozz.. now attending some course that the company send me to. Class has resume and ona break so ... i update again later.. toodles!

2007-02-22T09:00:00.000+08:00

I type a whole load of stuff yesterday for my blog entry only to have an error while i was in the midst of publishing it so that alone totally pisses me off yesterday to type another entry and so here comes another one but in a much shorter version of what i have typed yesterday relishing all the stuff I have done over the supposedly long weekend.. RECAP....

Wed : Valetine Day. Went to work. Had dinner at Swensen with Ridzuan, Bryce and Indera ( as usual late ) then went for the most nerve wrecking voice straining karaoke session, each belting out our own renditions of Stephanie Sun, Mariah Carey just to name a few.

Thursday & Friday : NO IDEA!!

Saturday: Was spent at home.. Then head to gym for dance class Hip Hop then.. back home.. and LALA land..

Sunday : Long Draggy day.. was at Sis place for Sri Yuliani 44th day religious function. She a newborn :P Adorable as hell but i been so busy to have time for my dear niece. She get loads of love from me thats for sure. After that, made my way to work where i been assigned for duty from the afternoon till midnite. What a DRAG. watch all the shows on TV and slept.

Monday : Vegetate at home. Recuperate from the long arduous work of sunday. At nite party my nites away at St James Fab party with Junyu, boi Boi, Indera, Faisal, Johnny and Jay and had a super late supper than ended at six am...

Tuesday : Woke up groggy as hell Not because i drink cause i DON drink or smoke.. From what i call the lack of sleep.. drag myself out of bed meet bryce n indera for lunch.. Bryce last day in Singapore. So trodded down to Vivo City ate.. walk walk then he drop me off at the GYM. Yesh i was tired but i work out like hell.. then watch movie EPIC movie with Jay and Junyu and Boi Boi.,. headed home slept like pig again.

Now that has sum up the super long holiday.. which to me is insufficient for a depraved holiday freak like myself... Now for the paranoia part.. hmmm here Goes...

I waited for now what have been three weeks. Its pass the new year and yet i have yet to hear anything from you. Apart from the few email last week and one chatting session online. Your coming back to Singapore last Friday was much awaited by me.. Then Chinese new year came so i let it pass and waited some more because you needed to be with your family and friends. Understandable.. You told me you going to call me after the new year to arrange a meet up and that you be not as busy as the last three weeks have been.. But yet up till today I have yet to hear from u be it via email or call. I getting paranoid. It seems like history is repeating itself. I so very afraid i going to get left behind as i always do.. I really hoping this is not happening to me yet again.. Please let me hear from you..

2007-02-13T13:22:00.000+08:00

I am happy today.. due to the events that took place yesterday. You came online. You replied my mail. You made arrangements to meet me at night to chat online. You apologise to me for not being able to reply to my mail. Though to you maybe an insignificant gesture but to me its a great difference from getting silent treatment. I felt much relief receiving words from you. It enough for me for now knowing that.

The week of waiting. I knew i had to ask you yesterday regarding about is it true about what going on between the two of us. I knew you must be wondering why i ask and i did explain why i ask. However you have no idea how much of a baggage you remove from me when you said that whatever that was said before you left for overseas you meant it and is serious about it. I felt better knowing that. Though was a short meet up at night, i glad that somehow i get to see you online though you were not very talkative.. guess you must be tired..

i looking forward to you coming back this Friday. I looking forward for your call. I looking forward to meet you next week.

Bryce / Indera : It was great fun doing grocery shopping at Mustafa. Though ya at certain time the perfume smellcan be abit overwhelming i got to say that place has loads of stuff to buy... hehee..

Mood : Light Fluffy floating happy!

2007-02-11T14:20:00.000+08:00

I got myself thinking today. The one issue that keeps coming up to my mind is Silence. You know how many people craves for silence so that for once they can think, relaxes, focus and the yadaah yadaah yadaah... These whole week silence was my torturer. Silence was so deafening to me that i kept playing songs.. in my head.Silence made me think when i don want to. Silence make me feel when i don feel like it and silence widens the hole in me that is already wide enough to swallow an elephant.

I always do not understand when people says that silence is always good. I never really understood why silence sometimes is always good. It is never always good. Silence leave so much questions unanswered. It maime people, cripple lives and refusal to face the reality.

In my life, I had someone. All of a sudden, that someone left me in silence. No reasons or questions or anything. The someone just dissappeared from my life. Though i telll people i fine, I knew i not. I was scarred. It broke me.Paralyse me. For a while during those period i was angry but not knowing what i was angry at. It took me a while to get back on my feet and i finally put it to rest when i actually bump into that someone i ran after that someone wanted a closure wanting to know why? what happen? But that someone walked away... I never knew ... why that happen and though I have moved on.. Life just isnt the same. That chapter that Someone has someone made me lost myself.

Everyone say me being at my age 24 turning 25 (URGH) i am still young. I think too much and such. Sometimes the silence of it all makes me grows up faster than anything. The silence made me think and forces me to think of the consequences what might happen what might not happen. Can you not blame me for the overwork my mind does?

This week has been excrutiatingly hard for me. There is no words to describe how hard it been for me. I been losing sleep over it. Stress over it. I feel so tired sometimes i just feel like giving up. Sometimes i feel that when i wake up i more tired than i was yesterday. Is this a sign of depression. I have mood swings. SOmetimes i get to mad at myself for god knows what reason but i do. SOmetimes suddenly i feel so sad i don know why either. I haven been able to pin point much of anything. Lets just say, nowadays i looking at glass half empty rather than half full.

I want to confide but i somehow or rather nowadays don know how to. One leaving for a way way long time. Another has sort of been so busy sort of grown slowly apart. Somethings i just cant tell him anymore cause I just don think i can tell him.

All in all, I stressed. I Lost and I tired.

2007-02-09T09:22:00.000+08:00

I been bad... How I regret what i have done. I shouldnt have let it happen and yet it happen... It was a moment of weakness. DAMN IT.. TGIF! I feel bad feel so ARGH with myself for allowing it to happen. This is what happen when you think too much and let the insecurity and fear take over you. I should have known better and yet I let it happen. Stupid ME! Someone Run ME over.. Slap me across my face JUST SHOOT ME!

Its the friday the week is finally going be over very very soon. Its STRANGE how i felt the week past by very slowly and yet the hours pass by very fast. I don know how to explain it to you but this is how i feel. I try not to think about it. I crossing my finger hopefully i receive the phonecall that i am waiting for. Even an sms would do just fine for me. I rather hear a negative answer than a silent treatment. Yeah to all those out there, if you like to do the silent treatment in which sometimes i guilty of doing on certain issues in my life... think sometimes rather than giving it a silent treatment in which otherwords its called the avoidance issue.. i guess giving an answer even if its a negative answer is good. An issue as it is always has a closure. With that said, a negative or positive answer puts an end or a closing chapter to the issue at hand be it dating loving work school relationship issues. It provides a stepping stone or step for someone to move on move up and get on with life itself.

I did some things i am not proud of. I made wrong decisions and such and I think i need a closure on it. So here is my closure on it this entry. A negative entry but still forms a closure for me, having said so.. so if something bad or uneventful happen to me next week or something that i expects or hopes doesnt fall through then perhaps its just bad karma or... a retribution for me.

Please don dissapoint me like the others in the past have.

2007-02-08T09:06:00.000+08:00

Today is is one of those days where you just feel at ease. You feel just nice nothing spectacularly good neither is there anything that is spectacularly bad. Nonetheless it one of those days where you just feel alright. So yeah that explains today picture where i look tired and yet able to smile slightly because of the part serenity that i feeling today. The day has just begun. I not sure how its going be later but i hope everything goes pretty alright today. Its a long week this week with the amount of work that i been driving myself to do. Not to mentioned tomorrow is the day i meet the executive committee of the Asean Scholarship in which i actually managed to squirm myself to the last two (I think) before they hand out the scholarship.

The thing now that makes me half hearted about this whole scholarship is that i would have to quit my job.( i think) because i might have to study full time if i am to actually get the scholarship. The whole idea of education is to get a good job but what if i got a good job. What if i left this job and only to discover this is the job i wanted. SIGH. If i cant get a no pay leave for my education and... I cant do it part time for my course. THEN i have to decide which one to let go and that itself is going to really put a HUGE MAJOR straint in my head.Both are not easy to get and on one hand i got into this job and i think i doing really very well.. on the other hand i manage to squirm myself all the way to the end in getting a scholarship for my studies.. which is to me quite a feat that i actually being able to go all the way to earn myself a scholarship.

The week almost over. I glad you message me even if its a short one. The fact that you message is enough to warm my heart. I hope you manage to get my message and hope your answer is a positive one. Until then take good care of youreslf ok?

2007-02-07T10:54:00.000+08:00

Its the midweek.. and yet i feel like the time pass by so painstakingly slow and strangely at times i feel the time pass by so razor sharply fast.. in either way based on my description you can see that it brings me some kind of pain.. Yeah.. life momentarily as it is been an ardous one this week..

Work has been going like a yoyo.. at times busy as hell and the workload can just simmers down within a blink of an eye.. so yeahh, you never know what to expect at work. So far life been neither bad nor good to me. I don have much to complain. I taking my day one at a time. As what they say living for the moment.. what comes tomorrow, tomorrow then handle what was yesterday leave it as it is cause things has already happened no turning back..

What saddens me for this coming February is that Bryce is leaving back to Aust to resume his studies, Indera been so busy working round the clock, Jay is busy in army and weekends he has his date to concern with.. So mostly i left with the great company of none other than myself. To make matter worse, next week Feb 14 is Valentine's day and there is super high chances that this day will be an alone day for me. Not that i not used to it, by god i been having valentine day as a single boy for as long as i can remember. So if this year history repeats itself, it comes as a no suprise. Though at this time and juncture, i hoping this year it would be difference but i dare not dream just in case the bubble burst and i end up curling on my bed.. despair and broken.

I watched the first episode of Grey anatoy for season 3 and GOD HOW I LOVE the show. THe things that they teached in the show is GREAT!! I gain some perspective after watching the show.. TIME.. Time makes one move, inertia, lost, stumble, strong, broken. Be it for good or bad time is the essence.. and the last sentence on in the end everyone just need time..

I waiting for your return. Time is the essence. I don know how it going to turn out but i am waiting. So please don dissapoint me. I don know how much more damage i can take. I willing to wait so please I pray you won dissapoint me.

2007-02-05T09:21:00.000+08:00

Today marks a monday.. The difference with this monday is that i started it off with a smile.. Apparently the Monday blues didn get me today.. :P Throughout the journey to work all i did was smiling sitting on the bike singing and smiling to the song "Irreplaceable" by Beyonce.. though the song is about the guy being ditched.. my Irreplaceable has a different meaning.. :P Thanks to you!

Its going to be a long one week wait but well, let just see how the week goes. I crossing my fingers pls don play me out.. Like Bryce say don put all your eggs in one basket.. So yeah.. i not this time but well somehow or rather the wait and all makes me able to get through the day but with a tinge of aching heart and missing feeling.. WEIRD i know.. Meanwhile i just busy myself with work and gym and those around me.. My moody mood swing kinda left me for now thanks to you!

Well, I miss going out with Jay this week.. he was busy with another really nice person.. WORK ON IT YOU GUYS!! KANBATE!! Meanwhile got to keep myself busy so that week pass by much faster.. Hurry back and hurry call me!! Waiting for you here!

2007-02-05T00:47:00.000+08:00

This is me Cam WHoring in my ROOM with my SISTA... YEHAAAaaa~~~~!!!

2007-02-05T00:40:00.001+08:00

Here is More of ME doing my CAM WHORING.. hahahhaa..!!!!!

2007-02-05T00:32:00.000+08:00

Its Sunday, the day been rather draggy.. Did not do anything much other than just hanging out tremendously alot at home.. just lazing in my room, playing games.. thinking about stuff.. Had small talks with Jay and Bryce...

AND THEN........... it STruck me.. i decided to be a CAM WHORE and start taking pictures of myself not wearing SHIRT.. hahaha.. IT does LOOK PRetty it looks Wierd.. BUt HECKS... haha well.. i show you the real ME in my actual self.. no make up no thing.. my WAKE UP OF BED LOOK..

View at ur own Discretion.. MAY cause involuntary cough.. regurgitation and etc.. so VIEW at your own RISK Too..